Relationship I Found Something That Works Well...

[Bella3]

Friends,

My love has pretty serious [combat] PTSD. He goes through periods of withdrawal where he disconnects. Many of you go through this as well. The forum has really helped me with support, but I've also picked up some important advice that works from some of you.

I learned here that in order to communicate- keep it simple. Sometimes when I talk with him, I want him to understand so badly that I get too "wordy". He's a very intelligent man, but the PTSD crowds his thoughts. He wants to understand me too. So, I found that when I kept concepts simple, sentences shorter and gave him time to digest it- that works a lot better.

Also, when I talk to him now I communicate the main points of my feelings. It helps when I specify what I need. I used to assume that he knew all the time. Again, one of the drawback of PTSD is that it doesn't matter how intelligent the person is- the mental and emotional anguish is crowding their thoughts. It helps when you don't accuse but rather briefly say how you feel, and ask for what you need. Then have faith enough in them to draw back and to think about what you've presented.

When it's something deep, where I know that what I'm saying can cause him emotional stress, I will use the same approach as above- but I place it in an email. That gives him time to mull it over. Sometimes the response takes longer than I would like, but this is someone that I love deeply, so having patience is worthwhile.

We're both in therapy and that is helping too... Still, I have found the most helpful coping tools here on this forum. Thank you!

~Bella

 

[Dallas]

That's a good approach and something I've found useful too. Instead of email though, I will use actual letters. He seems to really like those.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Bilby]

Great news, Bella :)

 

[anonymous]

Dear Bella, I am glad it is going well, and I think you are 101% spot-on correct. (Otherwise, it's like trying to have a conversation, or it be absorbed or retained, while the person with ptsd feels like at the same time the kitchen is on fire, and their mind is trying to deal with that. If that makes sense..!)

That's really a huge part, and very kind and intuitive of you to take the time and effort to do that, even when it's probably harder for you. :(

:hug:

 

[anonymous]

Oops, I must have hit 'anonymous' but it's Junebug. :)

 

[blstrauc]

I do the same thing with my sweetie. I try and think really hard before I speak when we have a problem, this allows me to get my point across in fewer words and with less unbridled emotion.

I've used the email thing in the past too and he responded very kindly to it. Since I was able to make my case before he could speak to defend or assume that I was angry (rather than just confused and slightly hurt) he didn't feel as threatened and we worked the problem out very quickly.

It's a struggle, we're all human and we all get angry or upset and sometimes it's difficult to contain those emotions long enough to think it out, but when I do take this time, its always been worth it.

Good luck everyone!

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings,

Perhaps something else to add and consider. For being in a relationship whereby my then significant other revealed telltale signs of childhood and teen trauma involving emotional abandonment and what was likely a sexual assault, something had to be negotiated to ensure that matters wouldn't spin out of control when debilitating anxiety was felt by one or the other. In short, one or both of us would dissociate and imagine everything was lost, with the danger being that once this self-fulfilling prophecy was set in motion, that indeed the basis of the relation would be undermined.

So what did we do? Most here will know the concept of a 'safe word' in relation to sexual activity; i.e. something that can be said to telegraph that matters are awry and that comfort no longer exists, that traumatic recall has been triggered, that matter are not right. We adopted this concept and applied it to those circumstances where highly amplified emotions consistent with the experience of traumatic recall would not be allowed free reign to destroy what was solid about the relationship for identifying and employing our own inter-relational 'safe word'. Such would signal a necessary disengagement where each partner would silently catalog feelings and perceptions to share openly and honestly - but only after what might be termed a 'cease and desist' P.T.S.D. cool down period characterized with unconditional support and caring reduced to a few simple words of love, encouragement and understanding that in no way would telegraph incipient abandonment. Twenty, forty minutes might pass before anything substantive could be said beyond words of unconditional reassurance again kept simple. In truth, it was really scary for I felt I was largely working alone for she'd not study fight or flight misfire, etc. to understand the mechanism underlying each of our respective interpersonal orientations if such is understood.

Hard to negotiate out the structure of this, and I was at a huge disadvantage for she imagined she had no specific need for psych. care, she hadn't explored her past and vulnerabilities rooted in her own experience of trauma, and stigmatized those who relied upon professional care; i.e. - me. In short, I felt I was doing all of the heavy lifting and finally registered fatigue. Matters had to be drawn to a close and for many a bump and a crash, eventually they were. The end suggested doesn't invalidate the concept of a safe word and related protocol, hence I would hope my experience might help others who like myself require 'special handling' and atypical understanding to experience anything at all like intimacy. Kind regards to the community...

M.K.

 

[Tinyflame]

M.K., I'm sorry she was not ready or able to deal with her 'stuff', but I think your suggestion is very well-expressed, and tremendously accurate (and therefore practical and potentially very effective, too). Your present or future relationships will be bound to be quality ones. :tup: :)

 

[PTSDMama]

Thanks for sharing, Bella! Very good advice and I know I have the problem of speaking too much at times too. My brother-in-law had told me the same advice and I'm trying to put it into practice.

 

[HopeForever]

I'm glad to know that this works for others! I am "too" wordy too..so I have learned to keep things simple and sweet. And exactly like you, when it involved something that cans cause emotional stress, I leave it in a note so that he can look at it when he's ready...and it has always seemed to work. I usually don't ask about it until he brings it up, and I think everytime but maybe once, that's worked.

 

[belong to live]

Seems like a good approach.I agree when I am in an emotional state the primal mind takes over.

Whatever the emotion is at the time is overwhelming and thoughts don't stand a chance especially rationale ones.It's all about action including fight,flight,withdrawal and utter despair.

At times when this is happening I can't even make sense of what people are saying.My on again off again girlfriend is a very fast talker and we have triggered each others trauma's before.It's like emotional ping pong.It's fast,we keep hitting until someone misses or hits too hard.Then it's game over.:cry:

I like all the ideas.Learn to speak slowly and simply.The use of a safe word is excellent and I had been considering it recently.Going to the cool down stage with unconditional love is also great although I feel my lady may struggle with this one.

She has her own trauma related to her family.She perceives judgement,being abandoned and unconditional love from her family.

The slow speak and safe word are worth a go and then take it from there.

Thanks everyone.