Undiagnosed I Found This Forum Useful

[SketchyPaddy]

Hi, I'm James and I'm 22.

I have recently entered therapy and started on medication for depression. I wanted to understand the root of it and found a lot of PTSD resources useful. Never asked my therapist about the possibility of PTSD, as I don't feel I have told her enough for her to make a call. 4 sessions in and I still have some problems opening up.

I was neglected as a child. My mother was obsessed with another sibling while my dad was depressed. I got hit and yelled at when I did get noticed. Over time I developed a tendency to hide which means I avoid facing my problems. I have never been in a caring relationship, I simply don't know what one is like. I deal with shame and self criticism on a daily basis. I don't take very good care of myself as I tend to ignore problems.

Long story short, something happened and I decided to pick myself up again. Good to meet you all.

 

[Red Feather]

Welcome to the forum James. :)

 

[shikira]

Hi James,

I am also new here.

I can honestly relate to your background as a child: my mother placed priority over me with another sibling and the impact this has had, has created enormous damage.

You have an abundance of emotional maturity for 22, so never underestimate just how empowering that can be, even though you might not feel this now. Even though you have avoided facing your experiences as a child, does not mean that you are now meant to open yourself up so quickly or so suddenly: you will go at the pace you feel comfortable with and no one ought ever to make you feel pressured - not even yourself. Talking therapy (counseling) is just one type of therapy, yet there are many different forms of getting help, and the time to get it will be up to you, no one else.

All children want attention and positive recognition from their parents, yet children who have been through neglect and other forms of abuse, will always grow up feeling as if it was their fault that the parent/s did not provide them with the fundamental love and affection they need. The "shame and self criticism on a daily basis" is something no person should ever feel, yet understandably, you have every right to feel this given your experiences.

Placing unnecessary pressure on yourself is something most people feel, even those who have not been through trauma. I still expect myself to be a multitude of everything that I am not, and my people skills better than my academic ones agitate me sometimes! - I want to be so much more and successful in some capacity, yet thriving and not merely surviving the past is my priority goal.

You are courageous and you are doing some really positive work on yourself (even) though it might feel as if progress is slow. You have taken initiative and great strength to arrive at this juncture of your life, so never feel as if you are taking steps back - you have and are going forward (even) if sometimes you need to step back from the intensity of therapy - it is all part and parcel of healing and making important changes to your immediate situation.

As for love, definitely this will come your way because you have enormous courage to face something very traumatic - the rest will be a doddle when the time comes!

Believe in yourself and never feel as if you are on the outside - we are all here for similar purposes, so be reassured of this.

 

[SketchyPaddy]

Thank you Nadia and Shikira.

I am still very early on my journey of recovery. For the most part, I still feel very different from other people. Whatever that happened to me has changed me forever. I sometimes feel immense sadness as I feel I have lost something very dear to my heart but I can't remember what it is.

There are nights when time feels like a long stretch of meaninglessness. I long for tomorrow to come because today is unbearable but tomorrow is only a repetition of yesterday. I have thrown so much of me away in order to survive.

I feel impoverished. I feel incredibly poor. Not in terms of money, but substance, or love or whatever that fuels other people. I feel that I am paying off the debts of yesterday. It sometimes scares me that I am the only person who can save myself. I don't want to be like my father who one day just stopped loving me.

 

[Red Feather]

There are nights when time feels like a long stretch of meaninglessness. I long for tomorrow to come because today is unbearable but tomorrow is only a repetition of yesterday. I have thrown so much of me away in order to survive.

I feel impoverished. I feel incredibly poor. Not in terms of money, but substance, or love or whatever that fuels other people. I feel that I am paying off the debts of yesterday. It sometimes scares me that I am the only person who can save myself. I don't want to be like my father who one day just stopped loving me.

You do write really well and have such a tender heart! I totally relate to what you are saying. The repeating patterns, over and over again. I know what it means to throw things away just to be able to survive. Geez do I know that... You may be the only person who can save yourself, but it doesn't mean you can't ask for help in doing so! That was a lesson I learned a half a year ago. I hope you find the support here you are looking for.

 

[SketchyPaddy]

Thank you. Things have been getting a lot better since I reached out. A year ago I wouldn't have imagined getting into therapy. I am still dancing around the 'beast' because last time I went near it, I had a meltdown. Not sure if that was a flashback but I have definitely embarrassed myself.

I do feel more alive now as I start to process the grief. It sometimes overwhelms me but that's what support is for. :)

 

[iMPACTt43w0r1d]

Ahhh.....don't you have those breakdowns? can be very detrimental to your relationships...especially with people who don't understand or know about PTSD.....

I'm really glad you joined us here. If you do happen to have PTSD, then we will be with you here and you can find support amongst us. However, for your sake....I really hope you don't have PTSD. Instead I hope you develop the undersanding and compassion we sufferers have because of PTSD without having to go through PTSD. If that made any sense :)

 

[SketchyPaddy]

What do you specifically mean by breakdowns?

I have never been close to anyone. I made my first friend when I was 21. I am too sensitive to rejection.