Mr. Anonymous
New Here
I graduated with a Masters of Science from University College London (ranked minimum top 5 in the UK and top 20 in the whole world) two years ago. Since then, I have never even been asked for an interview on any applications I've sent out. I look on Linkedin and see other people who've found work and almost always come to the conclusion that something must be wrong with me specifically (like my brain is so filled with traumatic synaptic connections that I'm a walking clusterf*ck, never to be hired, unloveable). I second guess myself all the time and don't believe I'm worth much at all. I deliberately dissuade myself from having dreams or considering a brighter future because the evidence at hand says that no one will offer me the opportunity for a better life.
I've had a few healthy romantic relationships but all of those eventually ended. I am terrified of attempting to cultivate new romances (even though i'm trying) because I'm convinced that, if given enough time and knowledge about myself, others parties will inevitably decide that I'm not worthy of their love and will leave as well.
I do not talk to other people about how I feel, how I think. or the few dreams I sometimes fail to stifle because then people will REALLY know how f*cked up I am... then I think about how that might just be "who I am"... a f*cked up irrational failure and that no one will ever really want to employee, befriend, love, or commit to the crazy person in the room.
I recently moved to D.C. to try and blindly, stupidly, foolishly put myself closer to the jobs I want so that maybe now they'll like me... I've managed to send out networking messages today. I don't believe any of them will write back to me (and even if they do, I don't believe the advice they may provide will get me any closer to the healthier life I've dreamed about since I knew healthy lives existed). I feel nothing but shame and embarrassment for every aspect of myself. I have an MSc and I work as a janitor. Today is not a good day.
I've had a few healthy romantic relationships but all of those eventually ended. I am terrified of attempting to cultivate new romances (even though i'm trying) because I'm convinced that, if given enough time and knowledge about myself, others parties will inevitably decide that I'm not worthy of their love and will leave as well.
I do not talk to other people about how I feel, how I think. or the few dreams I sometimes fail to stifle because then people will REALLY know how f*cked up I am... then I think about how that might just be "who I am"... a f*cked up irrational failure and that no one will ever really want to employee, befriend, love, or commit to the crazy person in the room.
I recently moved to D.C. to try and blindly, stupidly, foolishly put myself closer to the jobs I want so that maybe now they'll like me... I've managed to send out networking messages today. I don't believe any of them will write back to me (and even if they do, I don't believe the advice they may provide will get me any closer to the healthier life I've dreamed about since I knew healthy lives existed). I feel nothing but shame and embarrassment for every aspect of myself. I have an MSc and I work as a janitor. Today is not a good day.