I Give Backhanded Compliments And Insults To Others? Why?

[Deleted member 27262]

Sometimes when I talk to people, I'll give them a backhanded compliment. I'll kind of say something nice, but then add a twist to bring them back down. Even with girls, if I feel like they're trying to hurt me even if I THINK they are not...I'll say something that I think will make them insecure.

Sometimes I am afraid to talk because I feel like I do it so subconsciously. I think it's from the way I was brought up in a very critical family where we used to each other's flaws against each other.

Does anyone have any experience or can relate to this? I don't like being mean but I don't know how to joke unless I'm being mean either.

 

[RussH]

Having been hurt by "jokes" I always ask myself this question before teasing someone Am I just saying it to be funny, or do I mean part of it? If I mean, or am feeling part of it, then I don't say it. I also ask myself, will it hurt them? If the answer is yes, then I will not say it.

The bottom line: If the joke is meant to hurt, then don't use it. I am not trying to be harsh, but why intentionally hurt someone? Does it really make you feel better to hurt them, or do you feel worse that you did.

I read a paper on the long-term effects of bullying, and I am not calling you a bully, just bringing this up to make a point. It seems bullies suffer as much long-term effects of the bullying as the victim. So when you are purposefully doing something to hurt someone, even in a teasing manner, you are hurting yourself.

I know if you grew up in that kind of evironment it is what you have learned, but you can learn different ways of interacting with others

 

[Deleted member 27262]

Sometimes I am unsure if I am being mean or if they are sensitive.

 

[The Albatross]

"Sometimes when I talk to people, I'll give them a backhanded compliment. I'll kind of say something nice, but then add a twist to bring them back down"

Considering the first line of your opening post, I'd say you might ought to investigate why you feel compelled to do this?
Though I see you're not sure now... I think that your relationships are being jeopardized by your habit. If they are sensitive so what? That is an opportunity for empathy, not put downs.

 

[Notsowild]

I know I have a sarcastic sense of humour. My whole family is like this. I know a lot of people take it the wrong way. I need to think before speaking. It's hard.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you're giving backhanded compliments, its not about them being sensitive, rather its about you being mean.

Yes, it is OK to joke with people in a sort of "mean" manner, but I'd save this sort of joking for people who know you well enough to know that it is just your style of humor. If you use this type of joking with people you've just met, then yes, they will take it as an insult. And, not everyone you've known for awhile will be able to understand/tolerate/enjoy this style of humor, so you really have to be careful whom you use it with.

I recently started seeing a new guy and he really gets my style of sarcastic, dry humor. We can sling things back and forth, and know that its all said in the name of humor. (Well, most of it!) If an outside observer were to overhear/oversee our joking, he/she would likely be appalled that we speak to each other in such a way. But, *we* know it is all said in jest, so it works for us. So my point is that your style of humor won't be understood by all, or even perhaps many, and it takes someone who understands you in order to be able to joke like this. Even when you do find someone who "gets" it, you may even still cross a few lines.

When in doubt, hold back. There are many non-insulting, non-backhanded ways to joke with people, so perhaps you could try those styles of humor instead?

 

[RussH]

Sometimes I am unsure if I am being mean or if they are sensitive

That being the case; err on the side of caution. Think about it this way; if the person is a casual aquaintence, someone you don't know well. You don't know their history. What if they have a history of being abused, and you kind f humor is a trigger for them?

Do you really want to risk triggering someone? I hope not.

 

[Philippa]

Sometimes I am unsure if I am being mean or if they are sensitive.

Is this really true, or is it a way you try and justify when you know you are being mean, by making them out to be wrong somehow?

 

[Nicolette]

@Philippa , the original poster has been banned so I doubt you'll receive a reply.

 

[Philippa]

How silly of me. I did see the banned sticker, but for some reason that didn't register. Must be one of those days. Thanks Nicolette.

Why'd rara get banned anyway?