Relationship I Guess We're Done

[Peach]

I've heard barely a peep from Tater in the 2 weeks since we Skyped and I brought up the vacation ideas. He had seemed mostly okay with it then, but I knew he'd need time to process and think. Well, yesterday when I wrote I asked if he was okay and if it was me because I could feel the silence was different this time.

He basically said the vacation talk was the last straw, that he's made it clear he wanted nothing more than friendship (extremely debatable!). He won't be coming here, I won't be going there, we won't be traveling elsewhere together. He said he can tell by the way I look at him on Skype that I want more...this explains why his computer has been so "broken" since November that we could only use voice instead of video on the 3 occasions that we have actually spoken in real time since November 18th.

I'm hurt that he felt he had to lie about his computer being the problem...or at least dragging it on so long as an excuse as I do believe there were issues. I've given him 5 months of being extremely patient (on top of the usual patience) with his excuses and lack of interaction and worrying about him only to find out that it was probably a lie and he was just avoiding me.

It is absolutely true that I did/do want more and was willing to try, but I don't understand why it scares him so much to even be together in person or skype...unless it's because I'm right and he does get those butterflies around me and that scares him. Until he gave me a clear indication that he was ready to try, I haven't/wouldn't do anything inappropriate - I'm not gonna jump his bones, I'm not going to show up at his house unannounced. I've gone back to school for an Associates program, so he knows I'm busy here for at least 2 years, and it's a career that's not "good enough" to get a job in the UK. So guess what would I do after graduation? I'll still be here working!

Normally, I would have written him back right away - apologetic, trying to smooth things over, and calm his nerves, but I'm going to give it some space this time.

I don't know what to say.

Regardless of if we can still be friends, and I think that'll depend on if he can speak to me like a friend rather than an acquaintance as has been the case mostly since November, I now have a definite answer for if there is the chance for a romantic relationship. I may still think he's hiding, but the answer is no anyway.

 

[Mytime]

Sorry your hurting. The only thing I can say is, take care of you. Keep living your life. Who knows what's in the future. But be good to you. Sending hugs

 

[Sighs]

Oh Peach! I'm so sorry to hear that.

I think space is a good idea for you too. I know I will love my vet for the rest of my life, but I also know I could not be friends with him if we broke up. I couldn't cope. Think about YOU for once and what you need rather than what he needs. Take some time and space for you.

Hugs if you accept them!

 

[The Albatross]

Very sorry to read Peach. Vacation ideas hardly sounds like the stuff a last straw is made of, but apparently it was his. I do think he handled it poorly though and am glad you're giving it space instead of what you'd normally do about smoothing things over. Having been extra ordinarily patient you handled yourself as best as you were able... now take some extra ordinary time for yourself and take good care.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes @Peach you just have to do you. Maybe it's time to go out with the other gentleman who was interested in you.

His loss darlin' :hug:

 

[Bubbles215]

So sorry to hear how things are @Peach. Hope you can spend some time on you and pampering yourself. Huge congratulations too on your Associates program. I think you raised a really valid question as to why your sufferer appears so scared of seeing/being with you. I'd be really interested in any responses regarding that.

In the meantime big smiles for you :)

 

[nursenurse]

Hi Peach
Breaking up just sucks. Hugs, Peach, as someone said, his loss really.

 

[Peach]

Thank you everyone! I've done a lot of thinking and started to type out my reply to Tater. Getting everything out of my head has helped to calm me down tremendously. I don't like that this happened, but I almost kinda think it was a good thing. I was in such limbo about if we were friends or more and now I can move on and not have to worry about hurting his feelings. If, and that's a big if, he changes his mind later, well, I can certainly point back to this and say that he made his stance perfectly clear.

I am sad, of course, it's sad to close the door on something that I felt could have been a really good thing. But you can't have a relationship if the other participant is scared to death of admitting that they have feelings. If being alone forever makes him calmer and as happy as he can be, then I wish him luck. In the end, while I want ME to be happy, I also always wanted HIM to be happy. I'll have to find my happiness elsewhere.

I can now see that he is either still having the same issue from 9 months ago that I thought we had resolved or that it isn't really the issue, but it's convenient to hide behind it. We had the big blowup that brought me here, a month later he calmed down enough for us to talk things over. We had made some agreements on where we were emotionally and moved on. It was slow going, but we were getting better.

Now I find out that in November, I still don't know what happened exactly, but he was stressed and for some reason it seems his brain went back to the old blowup from before the resolution of the issue. He says I need to get over it, but he's the one who reverted and has been making excuses and backed away from me big time since then. Didn't know it at the time, but it was revealed in his last email. I took him at his word that he was stressed and having computer problems. I felt so awful for him that he seemed to be in this dark place for such a long period of time, the longest since I've known him. And while I do believe there have been the ups and downs, now I know he was not being 100% truthful and he was blaming me for something that I didn't do.

He never said that I said or did anything that set him off, he said he "could see it in my face." Well, I've only got one of those and whatever he saw was his own interpretation. I had left the ball in his court, but never forced him to do anything or acted inappropriately, so his freak out is on him.

I do want to remain friends, proper friends like we used to be. But he also needs a boot up his ass - which I will be providing. I don't think he'll be completely at ease until I'm with someone else (how's that for a turnaround!?!), unfortunately I'll probably be the crazy spinster cat lady of the neighborhood, so he could be waiting a long time.

I'll keep you posted on how things go. And thanks again. Y'all have helped a lot. :)

 

[Peach]

I have given us both a few days to chill and sent him a message Sunday night telling him that I was okay, that it was good this came up again since it is clearly still bothering him, and asking if he felt he was in a good space to listen and have a conversation.

I do tend to get long winded, and asked him if he wanted the shorter version with not as much insight, or the longer version which will hopefully drive home my point, but it would also have righteous indignation, and that boot up his ass that I mentioned here. Then advised that the short version would likely also have the boot.

He said he was ready a couple days later, but maybe without the boot. Haha What a nut! That's why I fell for him.

Ahhh, what a sweet, sweet man....he thinks that was an option! LOL Nope, mama's unhappy and he will be hearing about it...cause if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! Am I right ladies??? :p