tapdancingtunas
New Here
My therapist was showing me "calming" photos to help me find my "safe place" for EMDR since I can't visualize my own. She flashed 5 images in a row and the 4th was a picture of a bright blue sky with clouds in a wispy pattern. It looked exactly like the sky did when I was raped, the clouds and everything. It immediately triggered a flashback. There was only about 10 minutes left in the session and we spent it doing grounding exercises, so I didn't tell get the chance to tell her why I suddenly had a panic attack. As soon as I hung up the video chat, I lost it. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like my lung had collapsed again and my chest was filled with blood. I became paralyzed like when my spine was broken. I could feel the baseball bat being shoved inside me, the splinters ripping apart my cervix. I could feel his hands squeezing my throat, Michael's boots breaking my ribs, Jason's fingers pinning my arms to the ground as I thrashed and fought. My throat became clogged with mud as Jason tried to keep me from screaming. I could smell and taste the earth. And I could hear their laughter and the sound of high fives as they started cleaning up and getting ready to leave me. The blankets I was laying on morphed into dirt and leaves, and I could feel them burying me on the trail. Each pile of mud plopping against my skin like slime.
I knew none of it was real, that what happened was 14 years ago, but I couldn't make myself believe it. I couldn't calm down. I just blacked out and came to 20 minutes later, exhausted.
So much for a calming photo lol.
I've been getting panic attacks a lot lately, but that was the most vivid one of my life. It's been hours and I can still feel it all, their hands and his lips and the cool breeze and the warmth of the sun.
Besides grounding techniques, how do ya'll deal with panic attacks like this? I'm terrified it's going to happen again. I wish I could talk to my therapist about it since I kind of wasted the last 15 minutes of my session trying to ward it off, but I don't see her again until Tuesday. I am so tired of all of this.
I knew none of it was real, that what happened was 14 years ago, but I couldn't make myself believe it. I couldn't calm down. I just blacked out and came to 20 minutes later, exhausted.
So much for a calming photo lol.
I've been getting panic attacks a lot lately, but that was the most vivid one of my life. It's been hours and I can still feel it all, their hands and his lips and the cool breeze and the warmth of the sun.
Besides grounding techniques, how do ya'll deal with panic attacks like this? I'm terrified it's going to happen again. I wish I could talk to my therapist about it since I kind of wasted the last 15 minutes of my session trying to ward it off, but I don't see her again until Tuesday. I am so tired of all of this.