I Hate Myself

[Deleted member 28403]

I don't know what to write really. I'm angry, sad and don't know what to do. My parents are raging around the house, yelling at me for everything. They got mad at me because I didn't work enough today. I spent 1h doing math and 1h doing language stuff. And I did a lot of work. Then I did a bit of programming work and learning. And now it's 3PM. They yelled at me and called me all kind of stuff. They are talking about dumping me off and shit. I hate them. They keep talking how I don't work enough and how they will start with serious punishment s to get me to work, and I get no peace from them. They keep telling me that I am just taking revenge on them for something they did to me as a baby and stuff and that I'm awful and that I will fail in life. I wanna die.

I don't know what to do. I want to get away from them but for the next n years I will have to live here. I hate them. They are yelling constantly and my mom keeps yelling at dad how he should take "that child of his dick" and go somewhere else. They keep telling me bad stuff. I hate them.

I do a lot of work but they are never satisfied. If I'm done with work they just shove mire in my face. I am tired. I want to be away from this. I don't know what to do. They are mad at me for everything. I want to get rid of them. I hate them.

And they just keep telling me that it's COMPLETELY NORMAL for things to be like this, and use puberty as an excuse to everything.

 

[Ice_Fire]

No it's not normal. Sadly, too many parents do it wrong and so, many adults hear of other parents doing it wrong and follow suit. How long are you stuck living with them? Are you approaching uni age?

I'm sorry you're parents are being horrid. Sometimes it's just a case of keeping your head down and managing as best you can until it's financially viable to leave

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I got 5 years till I can leave them. I hate this wait

 

[Intrepid]

They are yelling constantly and my mom keeps yelling at dad how he should take "that child of his dick" and go somewhere else. They keep telling me bad stuff. I

Something like that experience is one of the sources of my PTSD. I ended up taking on all of my parents problems. Too much of a bourdon. I had enough of my own already. I have since learned (though not really well) that if it's not my problem I don't need to take responsibility for it. If your parents are talking of "dumping" you on someone else, they probably have a reason they are not telling you, a reason that has nothing to do with you.

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope this is doing you some good.

 

[Casey_03]

First off, two cliches that in this case are true: 1) It does get better (and you will get stronger) and 2) Forgive them, they know not what they do. I know these two things will do little, if anything, to comfort you right now, but keep them in the back of your mind and hold on to them -- they are the two things that I held on to for years of hell and they got me through it. I hope they will do the same for you. Parents don't always know what they're doing, and more often than not, they don't even realize that the things they are saying are hurting you. I don't really know all the details about your situation so don't know the best advice to give, but I know that in all my years of hell the thing that helped most was getting out of my own head and taking a step back. Reading helps, especially when it's about other people's suffering (which helps to remind you that you're never alone). Or planning for the future, for all the things you want for yourself and want to accomplish. It may be hard to see very far ahead when you're under a dark cloud, but there are better things ahead as long as you don't give up on yourself. In the end, the reality is that you are all you've got in this life. That may sound pessimistic and harsh, but it's true. And it also means you should never give up on yourself. Not now, not ever. Block out their yelling if you have to, in whatever way you can. And try to understand that they may be taking their own unhappiness out on you -- it doesn't mean you should hate yourself. They know not what they do.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Sh*t dude, 5 years... there's lesser prison sentences

 

[ycartf]

I can tell you this .... it gets better. That is one of my main pieces of advice to teenagers struggling with issues at home. Whether it is toughing it out until you can leave, or something else (like authorities getting involved if there is abuse or something), it eventually gets better. Hang in there, get through it, and especially get the proper help in keeping it from messing you up (talk to teachers, clergy, etc. if they cannot help they know where to guide you). We had a very abusive father (physically, emotionally, etc.) and we all made it through the teen years and into adulthood, but two of our brothers killed themselves within a two year span of time. Losing them, two very stressful jobs in emergency services for 20 years, and the pile of stuff from childhood finally caught up with me, but I am getting help and working through my PTSD. It won't go away, but I can learn to live with it. I look at it this way (and this may help you to think this way), if I can make it through living with my Dad all the years I did (and during the formative, fragile years at that), I can make it through anything. One thing I STRONGLY urge you to do is hang in there. Sometimes teens think they will hurt their parents or get even with them and escape their situation by checking out, but that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Many people who have not experienced suicides in their family will never understand just how badly it screws a family up .... and not just your parents .... your siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc. It leaves a hole larger than you can imagine, and nothing can fill it. Prayers up for you, young man, you CAN make it through this.

 

[Cool Cat]

Wow that sounds hard. What age are you? are there any nice people in your life atm? Hang in there.

 

[scout86]

At your age, 5 years seems like forever, doesn't it? It's too long to spend in a place where you aren't loved and appreciated, for sure.

My best suggestion is to try to find things to do and people to be with OTHER than you parents. People they will approve of, would be a plus. It would make it easier. I'm not suggesting you run out and join a gang. I'm suggesting you find as many positive after school activities as you can and be as involved as you can. Find other adults who can and will mentor you. The more adults you can have on your side, the better things will be, I think.

From this far away, it's impossible to know and understand all that's going on there, so I can't give any better advice. (wish I could!) The most important thing is that you take care of yourself and stay safe. Keep learning and growing into the remarkable adult that you're going to be. Sometimes it helps to try to understand your parent's point of view. It's easy to misunderstand sometimes. But, sometimes it doesn't make sense because it doesn't make sense too. Sometimes the anger is really mostly between the 2 of them and kids just get caught in the cross fire or used as ammunition.

What "work" is it that they think you should be doing?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@scout86
I am not quite able to socialize in this town, due to amount of people who I don't want to meet or remember, and there a lot of those that I coupd stumble upon by random chance.

I got a busy schedule, I get home around 6-7 PM after a load of work: schoop, musicians school and 2 days of week physics and math for the competitions. And then I get even more work. I basically leave my house in the morning and come back around that time and work more, they sometimes make me work even after midnight, but I mostly get to go to sleep around 10-11PM. They somehow assume that on average a person my age spends 9 hours a day working and learning, and as I'm smart, I should do even more. Even if I wanted to socialize, I wouldn't be able to for many reasons. I am locked like this, stuck in this precise state till high school, and stuck here for a while.

@Cool Cat

I am 14 years old. I got a girl that I know, and she is more or less only reason I keep moving. For the day we can be together.

 

[scout86]

If I'm remembering some of your earlier posts right, you've had some problems with bullies? That would sure make socializing a problem. I wasn't so much thinking of "socializing" in the usual sense. When I was your age, I had a horse and spent all my spare time with him. It was something I enjoyed, but it also got me out of the house and away from my mom. (I still had to get chores done around the house.) If it hadn't been for him, (my horse) I'm not sure what I'd have done. But, there's more stuff available now, although I don't know about that where YOU live. I was more thinking along the lines of, is there a special project of some sort you could take on for a favorite teacher. Even grading papers (work, right?) that would keep you out of the house, but not make them mad.

You put in pretty long days, for a kid. I'm of the opinion that you've got your whole life to work. Some work is good, but kids should still be kids/

So, is this "work" they want you to do work around the house, or a family business of some sort, or what?

BTW, things got a lot better for me once I graduated from high school too. There's hope, even if it seems way down the road.

 

[Deleted member 487]

When I was your age I'd run away from home to escape the abuse. I learned a lot about psychology and wilderness survival. Most importantly I learned that it doesn't matter what anybody does, I'm still there to take care of myself. To hell with the other people. I'm not their whipping boy.