I Have A "situation"

[scout86]

@joeylittle , I don't wear glasses, but I LOVE the idea! You guys are right, this event is about my dad, not this "individual". The more I think about it, the more I'm thinking that, if he has the audacity to show up, I ought to try to make the event as uncomfortable for him as possible. I wonder how you do that? I've always imagined "these people to be purely evil and beyond remorse."

@Justmehere, I think you're on to something I didn't really expect. That comment about "mace" actually brought tears to my eyes, and maybe because some part of me actually IS scared. You know, I kind of like that idea! It has a good feel to it! I think I have some "dog repellant" stuff here, somewhere, that's along those lines. (Someone gave it to me for some reason. Not something I generally feel the need for.) I could even carry it openly and begin the speech with a joke about "Just in case I have any problems with anyone in the audience." (?)

 

[Justmehere]

I like that you have dog repellant! I like the joke - it would make me smile. But, if you make a joke, people might ask more questions, or they may not. They may not get it at all and it might just be awkward. If you carry it openly and people ask what it is for, you could say it's to keep predators like dogs away. I say to go with whatever helps you feel safe and protected, and helps you go with confidence to celebrate your father's life. You will do well!

 

[anthony]

My dad died a few days ago. The funeral is Sat.

First, condolences...

Rumor has it he's coming to my father's funeral......

Well... I guess you could hope to ignore him. If he chooses to come near you, scream child molester at him... that will get him away quick smart. People may think twice about him... they may simply put your outburst down to mourning!

Got nothin really...

 

[Recovery4Me]

@scout86

So very sorry for your loss. I am sure that you will offer a beautiful eulogy for your Dad. :hug:

I often have been coached by my adult son (when a frustration provider or a past predator is near) to force my thoughts onto what the actual event is about. It is quite hard for me to do the right thing by others when I feel justified anger. But then in a unfortunate way, if I do choose to act out (even if I am justified) I fall to their level. I can destroy too, if I am not careful the beautiful memories for the innocent parties. So a few times, despite all odds (within my conflicted self) I have managed to forge gentle memories for others concerning the event.

The stage could be set for you to grieve, praise your Dad and bring your community into closure concerning his sad loss. Perhaps, you can find your inner strength to look pass that disgusting cousin. Perhaps at the funeral you will show him that your love for your father WILL never take a back seat to his sick crap.

There is an old saying,"It will keep." To me it means, when I am ready, at my decided time, I will deal with that person or situation.

You can choose your own time Scout86. You are one fierce member. This sad time is for you and your loss of your father. But as always, only you really know what is truly best for you in the moment. Peace be with you during this season of challenge and loss. My heart goes out to you and yours in sincere sympathy.

 

[littlelostchild]

I am so sorry for your loss.

My two cents is just to say that you are strong and will honour your dad. At the time he will be your focus, to bring his memory forward and help everyone celebrate his life. You had a wonderful relationship with him and will bring this to the day.

Your strength won't allow your cousin to ruin this important time for you and the rest of your family. You can't control what he does (unless you can get a restriction letter) but you can control your reaction which will be poised and respectful in the utmost to the memory of your wonderful dad.

 

[scout86]

Had an email from my T last night suggesting that "firearms are best left out of weddings, funerals, and other extended family gatherings." Sometimes he's NO fun at all!

Thank you all for you input and condolences.

Where I'm at with this right now (subject to change):
1) I'm going to focus on the objective, which is to do the best darn job on that eulogy that I'm able.

2) I'm still PO'd (can I say that here?) at the worthless waste of skin that molested me, particularly for thinking it's ok for him to show up at this event. A wise friend told me long ago that, if I let this "guy" mess up the rest of my life, I let him win. I now realize that that wouldn't be the right thing to say to everyone. You could take it that it's your fault if you have problems. For me, it was a good thing to say. My biggest regret is not fighting back and I'm up for any remote chance to fight back now. So, as best I can, I plan to look him right in the eye and make sure he sees all the contempt and hatred that I feel. If he approaches me (and I kind of hope he doesn't), I may go with something along the lines of what @anthony said. Maybe starting with a warning that he was not welcome to approach me and I have nothing to say to him in that time and place.

3) Having said that, although I don't plan to start anything, if he does, I have every intention of finishing it in some way, shape, or form.

I love @Justmehere 's mace idea! I'm taking the dog repellant along. If for no other reason than moral support and to remind me of you all. There's a picture on my desk of me and my "unofficial adopted brother". Kind of a weird picture we named "cult members". (Long story.) He lost his battle with PTSD last spring, when he shot himself. Someone at the VA in his town had told him, not long before, he "didn't need help, he just had a bad attitude." After his death, I drove 1200 miles and dropped in on the VA, to see if I could chat with that gentleman. (They wouldn't let me. :() Someone told me after that that he thought what I did was "brave". I told him it wasn't brave at all, I was just too angry to do anything else. He said that "sometimes courage comes from anger." I hope so! I'm taking the picture because it will remind me of that.

Thanks for your help!

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @scout86 ,
I am sorry for your loss. My father was my abuser and of several of my cousins . Another family member died and he was all set to go to the funeral, like he had not even considered that he might not be welcome. A distant cousin called him up (not a victim - but aware of the situation) and said that many family members did not want him to attend. It was as simple as that. He stayed away, and there was no unpleasantness.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. It will take a long time to recover from this loss and I can so relate to what your situation is.

At my husbands memorial service my husbands daughter a psycho and her mom showed up. I was welcoming the guests and I did not recognize them at first and welcomed them. Once I saw who they were I did not acknowledge the daughter and the ex wife said he was her husband too. She had cheated on him and divorced him.

I was in shock but went ahead and read what I wrote. I stayed away from them afterwards and they left and it was all over. No big drama, only the pain of them being there.

I hate the ex wife and have disowned the psycho stepdaughter who did so much damage to my family.

I got through it the best I could. I am proud of myself for rising above it.

I understand that your situation is far more complicated and your own dad would understand if you went or not. Facing an abuser is so traumatic in a situation where you feel so raw from the grief of your loss.

Follow your heart and trust your gut instincts. My heart goes out to you at this time. This really is an impossible situation.

I rather like Anthonys suggestion quite a bit. The best wishes for you. Please make taking care of you the number one priority. Hugs.

 

[The Albatross]

I was in an extremely stressful and difficult place when my dad died. I too had to be prepared to speak and had little control over who came to the funeral. I choose to put the focus on my father with a twist. I also allowed for my own room away from the block my family had reserved. I scouted the location and found a quiet room to be able to withdraw in. It was about honoring my father... not about me. I gave myself permission to withdraw as needed, and also to retreat from the guests and help in the kitchen apart and away from the crazy.

I got through it with a focus on the significance of the event, and with some fore thought about my own needs. I went in with an obligation/responsibility and also a strategy. It worked.

Not an easy situation, but it can be navigated. My sorrow for your/your family's loss Scout.

 

[scout86]

Well, I'm at my mom's house, about 5 hours south of my house. Found out after I got here that the cousin in question is not only coming, he plans to leave home EARLY so he gets here in plenty of time. I'm glad I brought the dog repellent! The 2 times in the last 40 or so years I've had to be in the same room with him, there were a LOT of other people in the room. It was easy to avoid him. If he gets here early, that's maybe not going to be so easy.

It would be kind of nice if there was going to be somebody else there who knew the situation and had my back. Probably not going to happen and a bit late in the game to try to involve anyone. Although I'm thinking about talking to the minister. I met him, briefly, that last time I was down here. He seemed nice, he seemed like he MIGHT "get it" and he's not directly involved in the situation. I don't know how much help he can be, but maybe he can come up with things I can do elsewhere.

I'm trying to decide if this is personal or if that's just me & the PTSD. Is it possible that his view of the universe is such that this seems appropriate to him? Obviously he doesn't care how things affect others, or me anyway, or he wouldn't have done the things he did. So, is he TRYING to make this hard, or is he just clueless?

I'll be glad when this is over! I was just thinking, this isn't the first time he's set it up so I felt that way. That might be the thing that bugs me most of all! And I don't know that I can do much about it this time either. Just try not to give him the satisfaction of knowing how I feel. And I've done THAT before too.

Oh well. this time tomorrow it will all be history!

 

[The Albatross]

No harm in enlisting a person if need be to be privy to distress if you don't want to divulge anything now. The Priest is a good option. Sending courage and focused thoughts about it all your way Scout.

 

[anthony]

I'm still PO'd (can I say that here?)

Say whatever you want about the person... they're not a member, so you're not breaking the rules. If someone is a molester, then call them whatever the hell you want here. A f*ckin piece of shit, is always a good one.