I Have A "situation"

[scout86]

I guess we all get to show up here, now and then, in a state of panic, huh?

My dad died a few days ago. The funeral is Sat. He'd be sick a long time, death was really a blessing. He was the only member of my family I've ever had much of a relationship with. That's "just so you know". It's only indirectly related to my problem.

I was molested by an older cousin when I was pretty young. 5ish? I'm not sure of the age or the duration, just that it went on awhile. I haven't gotten to the point of being able to talk about this in therapy and have never told anyone in my family. Well, except my brother. I told him when his daughter was born because I wanted to make sure he kept the scum bag in question well away from my niece. A few years ago, on the advice of a spiritual adviser who was trying to help, I wrote the cousin a letter. So, he knows well that I remember. (I may have mentioned that I'd make sure he was sorry he'd ever been born if I ever learned that he was hurting anyone else.......) He didn't respond. Other than that, we've had no contact in MANY years. I have avoided an assortment of family gatherings so I could avoid HIM.

Rumor has it he's coming to my father's funeral...... Oh, and I'm supposed to do a eulogy! Which I figured I could do, and which, I guess, I WILL do. Before or after I throw up?

I emailed my T just now, to update him. I saw him today & he's actually meeting me tomorrow to help me through an eye appointment. Not that there's much he can DO about this, I suppose. How do I handle this? I'm honestly not sure if I'm afraid of the scum bag as much as I'm afraid of myself. I hate him. I mean HATE. I have a great fantasy about .......... (deleted on the advice of someone with a much cooler head than I have!) It would be fun to watch him sweat and it would be fun to know he has some vague idea what the word "horror" means.

How do I do this, guys? I'm trying to think of ways I can avoid going to my dad's funeral. I know my dad would understand, if he knew. No one else will, and it's kind of a cowardly thing to do anyway. If I have to do this, and I guess I do, I want to do it well.

Help?

 

[RussH]

@scout86 First of all I am really sorry about the loss of your dad. I know that is really hard.

I would suggest that you focus on your dad, and what you want to say to honor him. Another suggest would be to have your brother intercept your cousin and let him know he is not welcome at the funeral.

Now as a suggestion from one member to another be careful how you post your fantasies on how you would like to treat your abuser. These forums are public places where anyone can read them.

 

[scout86]

I'm afraid my brother won't be any help. I told him, but I don't know that he believed me. We've never spoken of it again and, in fact, we barely speak. I'm not real sure what the deal is there. He's angry about something but refuses to discuss it.

As far as the fantasy goes. Sorry if I broke or bent a rule, I didn't mean to. I can delete it if you want.

One of the things that's bothering me more, the more I think of it, is the NERVE of the individual, showing up at a time like this! Doesn't help the anger at all.

Thanks for the condolences.

 

[RussH]

Sorry if I broke or bent a rule, I didn't mean to. I can delete it if you want.

I was responding as a member, and not a moderator, but it would be a good idea to delete it, you don't want to bring unwanted attention to yourself by posting things that could be construed as a threat.

 

[scout86]

You know @RussH, I'm in such a "Go ahead, make my day!" frame of mind right this second, the first thought that crossed my mind was, "I don't make threats." (That's a fantasy, I'm not real sure how to actually pull it off anyway.) I'll take your suggestion under advisement though.

 

[RussH]

I know it wasn't a threat, but, unfortunately, in the wrong situation, others could see it as such, and cause you problems.
but believe me, I understand the fantasy.

 

[StellaBlue]

You could tell your therapist you are planning to harm your cousin...If he believes you, he's obligated to warn him :).

 

[Justmehere]

I am so sorry you lost your father. :hug:

One option is to overnight mail your cousin a certified letter telling him that due to issues you previously wrote him about, he is not welcome at the funeral, and the police will be called to quietly escort him out if he does arrive. (Yes, the police will generally do this based on simply telling them someone was informed via certified mail not to come to the event and they came anyhow without more need for any details. It's technically trespassing. I think if you send that letter, which he will have to sign for - that you won't really need to even bother doing anything as it would be very unlikely for him to show up.) I would mention but not go into specifics about the previous letter because that will likely shut him down to showing others the letter. They would naturally ask what the other letter was about. Another option is maybe to have a friend contact him?

I once had a abuser family member say they to another family member that would show up at my house on my birthday. I had a sheriff deputy civilly serve them a letter to not come or be around me. It wasn't a restraining order, just a two sentence letter. It was kind of satisfying. And they left me alone.

This is your father. You are giving the eulogy. I think your father would understand if you didn't go, and I also think he would be proud of you for asking his perpetrator of a nephew to bug off and stay the hell away from his daughter...

Other than telling him to not come, you could also bring things that help you stay grounded and focused. Maybe a rock you could hold in your pocket or something of your father's to hold on to. Maybe a friend could come with you and run interference to keep him away from being near you and thus triggering.

 

[scout86]

@StellaBlue that's an interesting idea! It might land me in jail, but it's an option. There are multiple states and many hundreds of miles that would complicate the warning..... But, it's a thought.

@Justmehere, thanks for the :hug:! I think this is as stressed as I ever remember feeling.... I had no idea you could get the police to do that! I'm not even 100% sure how to contact this guy, I've avoided him THAT much. I was just told he's coming. This is one of those situations that would probably turn in to a big messy fight about who's lying and who's not. I honestly think most people would believe him. I'm not real sure ANYBODY would believe me. :sorry: I'm not just saying that. He's a well loved, respected member of the family. I'm kind of on the fringes. I'm not sure I'm up for that. It's easier to go with anger, I guess. But, my step kids & me ex-brother-in-law (of all people!) might be going to go. They (of all people!) would believe me. How weird is THAT? You've given me some things to think about, for sure!

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I'm sorry for your loss as well Scout86!

I too would suggest you focus on the memory of your father and honoring him with your thoughts, words, and actions. You are no longer that 5 year old child who can't stand up for or defend yourself. You have much bigger and more pressing things to deal with that concern your father than to let this cousin invade your thoughts. Focus, focus, focus. You are no longer a child, you are no longer in danger, he is no longer a threat to you, and you are in charge of your own thoughts. He is nothing.

Best wishes to you!

 

[joeylittle]

You've been asked to speak. He's not been asked to speak. You're more important to the event than he; I think you can feel very justified in letting him know that he's not welcome.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Can you maybe ask your ex-brother in law to make a phone call to the cousin on your behalf? (And likely dig up the number as well). And here's the most ridiculous but effective coping strategy. If you wear glasses or contacts, don't wear them during the eulogy; you won't be able to really see faces and can stay focused on what you're doing. Anyway, it's worked for me in a pinch.

 

[Justmehere]

That's the one draw back and downside to telling him not to come - it could lead to more drama.

I can see why you are stressed. It does sound like this is triggering you enough to set off your fight or flight system! It's just trying to protect you from possible new danger from this guy. If I were in your shoes, and I am not, my therapist would probably be telling me to tell my younger self that I can protect myself now. I know you probably know that, but that some aspect of you is still very understandably scared and needs to be reassured that it is safe now, he really can't hurt you anymore... Which is not to say that you should have to endure being around him. Your reaction is justified. But another way to deal with it all is to really remind yourself (and let us remind you too!) that he can't hurt you anymore.

Anger is normal reaction. It's a way to fuel yourself up to protect yourself. Doing things that remind you that you are safe now from him might help you feel more ok about it all. You could even pack mace. My therapist told me to do that once, not because either of us thought I would use it, but to give my brain and body a sense that I couldn't protect myself as a kid, but I can protect myself now. It wasn't really logical, but it kind of worked to help me feel calmer.