Relationship I Have Done Something Stupid... Message Another Guy And Hubbie Has Read The Messages

[Sunshine71]

Dear likeminded friends

This group has always been such a rock even though I haven't posted in quite sometime.

I have done something stupid - however for the first time in 10 years I felt some happiness. I felt that I turned someone on and made them laugh. Someone was thinking about me.... I felt alive.

BUT sadly it isn't my husband and it wont ever be.....

I knew it wasn't going to pan out to anything serious with this guy I met at a business event I help run. We had such a good laugh and the messages went from flirty to more very quickly. I have NEVER done anything like this before in my life.

However nothing physical happened - I have never even kissed another guy and been with my husband for not far short of 30 years - we are in our mid 40's.

My PTSD suffering husband read the messages accidentally as they came up on an old lap top and he is beyond upset.

I feel terrible for hurting him but also I feel terrible as he is just so negative and horrible to me - even before all of this. Is asking for a smile and a hug too much? I don't know why I am still with him - yesterday I could hardly function, my eyes are bright red and we argued non stop.

He knows I am sorry and he says that he can understand - but it has just crushed him as he thought I was his rock. I never went to look for anyone - it just happened out of the blue and it really felt good.

I dont know if anyone had experienced anything like this - I welcome any support and advice.

I cant be myself and we just argue all of the time.

Thanks for reading.

With love - Sunshine

 

[Silver.]

You had an emotional affair, while nothing physical happened, a lot of people still consider that a form of cheating. You did this because there is a level of unhappiness in your marriage, and it sounds like your husband isn't meeting your emotional needs. (a hug or a smile being too much...).
Sometimes thinking about leaving seems so hard, so many obstacles instantly pop into our heads, when in reality, staying is the hard part.
So thinking about the fact that in addition to the emotional affair, and you two argue all of the time, do you want to stay in your marriage? Do you want to try and work things out with him?

 

[mamachick]

From what you have said about your marriage, you were vulnerable for this or something more to happen. An unaffectionate marriage is more lonely than being alone by far. I would not beat yourself up over this. We all need some positive feelings eventually.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I feel for you, I honestly do, but as Silver says, you've had an emotional affair. I am of the belief that my SO (or ex, dunno at this point) has done so too, she has isolated from me and invested in her friendship with somebody else with full commitment. Whether anything physical has happened or will happen is irrelevant to me, it's hurt, deeply.

As a supporter, it's very hard. I've gone from having my emotional needs 100% satisfied to being treated like a leper and cast out, it's very hard to exist in a relationship where you get nothing whatsoever in return, people have emotional needs and if you want total honesty, I'd take this as a sign. You're clearly not getting what you need or want from this relationship, so the question you have to ask yourself is, is this a turning point where you really sit down and communicate or is this a sign that this simply isn't for you any more.

You can't just neglect your own needs forever, you said yourself you're not allowed to be yourself, all you do is argue. This isn't a relationship, it's an unhealthy bond between two people that either requires serious work to repair or it needs to be untangled, as best it can be.

You shouldn't have "cheated", I understand his upset but... it has to be looked at in context. You've need affection that he refuses to give, whatever the reasons may be you can't just go through life with nothing forever for his sake. Your emotional needs matter as well, we often lose sight of this, in many relationships.

Me and my SO or ex-SO have stopped talking now, things are very much muddled, but I am having to embrace the fact that my emotions do matter and regardless of whatever happens, it may require a termination of a decade long link because I don't believe she has the capacity to make me happy any more. The blame, the cutting off, the lack of affection, it's all made me feel miserable and hurt and alone, I am sure it has for you too.

Whilst I haven't "cheated" per se, I understand how you came to that crossroads.

You must think about what you want and need, you do matter, as much as him. It's time you both did what was best for each other, if that means parting, you must do so. Don't linger out of habit.

 

[Sunshine71]

You had an emotional affair, while nothing physical happened, a lot of people still consider that a for...

This reply really struck a chord thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my message.

I would love to make things work - however I say the same thing time and time again and it never changes.

I am lingering out of habit and never saw it like that - I have spend so long with him - and now I don't even know him.

Thank you again Sunshine x

 

[Sunshine71]

You are

From what you have said about your marriage, you were vulnerable for this or something more to happen. An...

You are quite right sadly xxxxx :(

 

[Sunshine71]

I feel for you, I honestly do, but as Silver says, you've had an emotional affair. I am of the be...

This is just such a helpful reply and I am reading it again and again. I am of course sorry to hear of your challenges too.

Cheating is such a strong word but sadly you are right and I feel terrible. I never set out to hurt anyone.

It was just so nice to get the attention from a rather clever and funny guy - Its been more than 10 years really..... and I never realized I missed this until I had a taste of it again....

THANK YOU xx

 

[TheMinsterman]

This is just such a helpful reply and I am reading it again and again. I am of course sorry to hear o...

I 100% believe you never did it with the intention of causing him pain, but I think it really is a sign of your own, long term, emotional pain finally just bursting out of control. You've put up with the lack of affection for years whilst feeling awful, and it sounds like you finally got a taste of what you SHOULD be getting and you dove straight in to get as much as possible to feel it for as long as you could before going back to being starved of it with your husband.

I understand his pain, but he hasn't been investing in your relationship for so long now, it's not really the same for me and my SO, we were exceptionally affectionate until she went into a PTSD spiral, this isn't years of either of us withholding affection, for you this has been your every day for far too long.

This has to be a wake up call, it is a huge signal to me that you've been neglected for far too long. If you are to repair your marriage, he has to delve deep in himself and see if he feels that he can provide the affection you need to feel nurtured and loved and you must think about whether you can give him that opportunity if he feels he can. You deserve happiness, you can't just put your happiness on hold for the rest of your life to satisfy being around for him.

Love has its ups and down, there will never be perfection forever, but you have to have the affection and love and closeness for it work, even if sometimes there's less. It can't just be empty forever.

 

[Sunshine71]

I 100% believe you never did it with the intention of causing him pain, but I think it really is...

To be honest I feel as though you know us as this makes complete sense and is completely correct.

We met when we were just 18 so its very scary - I dont know a life without him - but the life I have is a nightmare - I feel the whole house change as he walks out of the front door. I really have done the best I can do - but 10 years of this with the past 7 years really full on and I am just running on empty.

Thank you again - I feel you must be a counselor or coach!!!

Sunshine

 

[Gs172003]

Yes it is an emotional affair. Right now feel like an escape. Maybe it's time to sit hubby down and let him know how much you are missing affection and that you love him. Maybe it's time for the two of you to get help together instead of seeing this as a sign to jump ship. You have betrayed his trust and that will be extremely hard to get back but if you want to work things out with him you will have to cut things off with that man.

 

[TheMinsterman]

To be honest I feel as though you know us as this makes complete sense and is completely correct.

We...

I'm just a very good listener (when I am removed emotionally from the situation anyway, I wish I was able to be as rational about my own issues!) and you've found a great place full of very good ones :).

I completely understand the fear, I've known my SO/ex-SO for more or less a decade, that is effectively my entire adult life, we've not been a couple for the whole of it but her sudden disappearance and removal from my life, potentially for good is very hard to contemplate but I am having to do so for my own good, she's hurt me deeply and I can't just be friends as she moves on with her life.

For you, you can't just stay with no change, it's going to eat away at everything you are. Things must change or you must go, it's very sad but it's very vital for you both.

 

[Sunshine71]

Yes it is an emotional affair. Right now feel like an escape. Maybe it's time to sit hubby down and let...

Thank you - and yes sadly I have cut all ties.... its hard as we had a lot in common... and he is a little bit famous too.... it could get worse if he gets more well known.... ironically I had just put an end to it (again)... but he carried on... and so did I... and I now of course wish I never... :(