I Have Just Realised I Have Been Disassociating Ever Since I Was A Very Young Child

[Wakemeupwenitsallova]

A couple of months ago I stumbled onto this site and ever since then I feel like I have been able to solve a 1000 piece puzzle that I have been working on since I can remember! ...I was diagnosed with PTSD in around September last year after escaping from a very dangerous relationship where my partner not only physically and mentally abused me but where he also drugged me so I could not defend myself and would rape me over and over, sometimes I would wake up days later covered in bruises and bleeding, the bed covered in blood, not knowing what had happened (but obviously knowing) and not even knowing what day it was...

Anyway I managed to get away almost a year ago and have had no contact with him however it has effected me so badly that up until a few months ago I was suicidal to the point where I had planned to kill him and then myself. (Don't worry I'm not there ATM!) And even now I go into these states of what I now know to be dissasociation. The thing is since learning about dissasociation I have realised that I have done this my whole life!

I have always been afraid to leave my girls alone with any male and have always had a couple of vivid memories of when my mother and sister and I lived in a caravan park when I was 2 till about 4 but thought I probs made them up as I had imaginary friends up until I was about 10...so I did some asking around and found out from my sister that've caus or mother was depressed I was left on my own while my sister was at school to when she cam home and was always running around with no knickers on. The thing is while we're were living there a peadophile was arrested and charged of the rape of numerous children not only in the caravan park but all over the place. I don't know for sure if anything happened to me however it would explain so much! I used to live in my own world as a child and pretty much still do now? I had imaginary friends and as far back as I remember I felt like I was fighting within myself and talking to myself but kinda thinking there was someone else there?? I feel like there are 3 personalities inside my head and 2 of them I can deal with but the last one sabotages anything and gets so evil and nasty! I hope I'm not sounding like a freak it anything but I'm scared that the last one will take over at any stage and hurt either me or someone else??

So after all that what I would like to know is after reading what I have written, does anyone think this could have happened to me as a child or is it the result of too much tv??

Thanx for letting me get it off my chest guys xox

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

You're welcome.

I always have that wonder... what else happened that created all of this, that I simply do not have access to or ever even stored a memory.

A lot of this experience is being able to separate yourself and who you are from the bad things and what's going to come and go on good or bad days

 

[Wakemeupwenitsallova]

I went to my therapist last week and I told her of my concerns.. that I have been going of into a far away place or 'off with the fairies' as my family and friends always tell me ever since I can remember. I also told her how I had imaginary friends...this apparently is quite a comin occurrence in children who have been traumatised, it's just another coping mechanism? The thing is I only have a few memories so I have no solid proof...my mum denies ever even leaving me alone but my sister was the one who had to look after me and make sure I had food and clothes every day. I know my mum was depressed so I can't completely blame her but it hurts to think she wouldn't even listen to me about it!? My sister says that there was contact between the man and myself but she doesn't know if he hurt me? So maybe he didn't? But if he did and I don't remember then I think I want to keep it that way... I dissasociated and blocked the memories out for a reason, I'm having a hard enough time getting try my current situation let alone dragging things up that should be left alone!??

 

[saoirserylyn]

If it is on your mind and you are worried about it, you are not dragging things up. It is only natural to be curious about your past, about what happened, and there is nothing wrong with that. I cannot give you any answers to what you are seeking, but I can tell you that there is a chance you may never remember.

My entire life prior to he age of eight is a blur. I have no real memories from that time period aside from stories told to me by my best friend and my foster brother. I've always lived with a sinking feeling that something terrible must have happened because as far back as I can remember, I have suffered from mental illness.

Your mind may release this information to you whenever the time is right, or perhaps a therapist can assist you in your search. I know my therapist has worked wonders with helping me feel capable of handling the truth, but still nothing comes. I've just come to a state of acceptance.

 

[Wakemeupwenitsallova]

Thank you saoir, I have been feeling quite confused as to whether I should try to remember or not, I am thinking I will try to let it go, for now anyway. My therapist told me that I have blocked it out for a reason and when the time is right I will remember? I, like you, have a very blurred childhood however I feel as though my whole life is a blurr?

I used to think I was just stupid or forgetful but these days I realise it's because my brain couldn't handle bring in reality so I used to go somewhere else...I remember always playing and 'living' in a massive treehouse in the jungle where all my friends were animals and my favourite was a monkey I felt safe there. It had been a long time since I had taken myself to the treehouse but the last year I guess it's been, I have often found solitude there again. It's like I want to go there all the time so I don't have to face reality...but at the same time I hate it because I want to be normal and I want to go to work so it's a constant struggle within myself to do anything! Grrr it's do frustrating :(

 

[Lotusstarr]

I have a similar story to yours, I have gotten a few memories back, but mostly just experience nightmares and night terrors every night. Your mind protects you, because when the memories do come back, it is a terrifying experience, as if it is happening all over again. The mind is brilliant at knowing when you're mentally and emotionally ready to handle this. I understand the frustration, take care of yourself and in the mean time it sounds like you are working with a good therapist whom you can trust. Remember that the dissociation is something that protected you, even if now it seems like it is working against you.