I've never fully felt what you describe, minus the multiple moments of being deeply immersed in active abuse, but certainly have periods of time when those feelings manage to work their way to the front and center of my day and can easily suck up all of my energies and attention, often leading me in all directions except those that were genuinely helpful.
Unfortunately, I was being directed to, and insurance paid for, many of the ways that caused me more harm than good, although those methods seem to work like a charm for MANY others. I was often left feeling like I could no longer rely on the ones I'd been told to trust the most, but then again, I'd learned that lesson many times over in many other ways as well, so it only added a whole new level of confusion and chaos within.
I had to re-learn how to have a genuine interest in myself before I could get close to others, it seemed. Learning to unconditionally love and care for self helped(s) me tremendously. No one ever taught me that, nor did I have healthy role models to mirror, be it familial or on the paid expert level.
The learning process never ends, even once you've aced a thing. The breath became one of my best therapeutic tools, along with what I choose for fuel, what I use on my body's largest organ that gets absorbed, what I breathe, what I think, what I speak, re-learning all the systems of my body to better innerstand the actual processes I never thought twice about unless it broke down and how I can better aid their functioning, etc. Each path is as different as the individual and the circumstances.
I would continually and repeatedly shut myself out while shutting others out, too, but didn't realize/couldn't see it at the time. Had it not been for a time bank in the local community that offered a chance to meet/barter with several complementary/alternative healers, I'm not sure which direction I'd be headed. Thanks to them, I learned there may not always be a way out, but there's always a way in. Best wishes in finding the most user friendly methods for individually sorting it out within. There really are some amazing beings around us. Both human and otherwise.
