I Have No Interest In Others

[joeylittle]

@Dexter Engvik - I am sorry to read how much you are struggling right now.

You said 'if this doesn't help, nothing will' - I don't really think that's true, but operating under that assumption for a moment, I'm going to ask you some questions, and I hope you engage and answer them.

I don't think you fully understand my situation. Life as it is for me as of now isn't worth living.

Your words. Life as it is for me as of now - meaning, now, not in the future.

No matter how much you think you can predict your future based on past experience - you cannot.

Please list for me three things that would make life more livable. They can be simple or big. All that matters is that you be the person who does them. So, your answers cannot be thing like, "my family would leave me alone", because that depends on the actions of your family. But: (for example), what if you moved half a world away from them? Would that make life more livable?

You do not need to know how to do these three things. They will probably seem impossible. But name them anyway.

The best thing would be total amnesia to forget everything up until now.

Try and come up with one thing that you would not like to forget. So, pretend you are going to get your wish, total amnesia, but there is one thing that does not leave you with bad thoughts or feelings - one thing you want to be able to recall. You might need to think for awhile, but come up with it. It could be unbelievably small. It could be a quality about yourself, it could be a memory, it could be a piece of knowledge...

I have tried so many things. There is no help available for me in my country.

List all the things you've tried, chronologically. I'm serious. The people on this site have massive amounts of collective experience, and I don't doubt that you've tried a lot of things - but, you need to share them with us so that we know, and can suggest alternatives.
I am looking forward to your answers....

 

[Cabinfever]

I think I get you to some extent.

I hate people too, very genuinely. and furthermore... (that's not a grammatical error by the way, I did it for style - thank you very much) I have a lot of good reasons to hate people. I really, really do. I've been screwed over again and again. I'm trapped in this cesspool of blathering morons and the narcissistic human gods they worship. The world seems broken. Pointless. And the cherry on top of the hatred and despair sundae is... I also really hate myself.

...And I really hate that I hate myself... And I really hate that I let things get out of control to the point where I hate everything... and I really hate myself for hating people... but then again, I also think that I'm justified in hating people and that I'm not really all that wrong... GOD. It's just so tiring bouncing back from global depression to internal depression. I can't really decide who I hate more, me or the 'not-me's.

So yeah, these days I basically just exist to hate things... in fact, I'm so talented that I can both hate people for being so hateful AND comment on how awful hateful people are all at the same time... while acknowledging my own hypocrisy! Sometimes I even have the time to squeeze in some hatred for inanimate objects, it just depends on the day really.

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, if you get the whole lame Star Trek thing.

I'm not going to tell you not to do it. I image that you're a big boy who know what he feels and can make decisions for himself.
I'm not going to preach to you about the miracle of life. I'm not going to tell you about all the various ways that, "You're Life is Worth Living!!! :) HAPPY HAPPY !! JOY JOY! ;) (---> hope you caught my sarcasm there) because I don't know what your life is like. I'm not going to tell you to live for other people, cause honestly... it's other people that contribute to the problem, so why would that be helpful, to have your inability to connect with people further pointed out?!? If people are the source of the problem, how could you possibly take comfort in relationships with other people? Ridiculous.

I don't know what burdens you. I don't have any advise really. All I can do is sort of commiserate... and you're damn right that this posting is as much for me as it is for you. I came to this forum because I was also suicidally depressed. But I'm even a failure at suicide. I haven't bothered to make a plan because I'm always too lazy and unmotivated to follow-through. I already know enough to conserve the energy and not even bother getting all busy about it.

You know how it is, you tell people all the things you're planning to do, and then it never works out, plans for self-immolation fall through- you lost the matches or your robe really just isn't flammable enough for head to toe crispiness, and people talk... they wonder how serious you really are... will you?, won't you?, why haven't you?.... so much pressure....
(this is what we call "projection" in the mental health field. I'm projecting my own feelings about myself onto you. Don't worry, I remember that you don't have friends, connect with people or talk to anyone else... I'm not saying YOU told other people about your suicide plans... sheesh give me a break here okay? I'm a cynical foul-mouthed bastard just like you. Are you foul-mouthed? I don't remember. I hope you're not like 12 years old. If you're 12, stop reading this immediately and call a suicide hotline.)

Because suicide hotlines are so helpful.... haahahahahahahahahaha

At work for like 40 minutes I sat in front of my computer with a new thread open on this site, the title of which was "Why Bother Living When the World is such a Shitty Place." I kept writing and re-writing a few paragraphs and then deleting everything. It all sounded wrong. Badly formed. Pointless. Too whiny. (and here's a secret for you... I myself am a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL! who yes, sits at work and wastes tax dollars trolling ptsd forums and writing posts about how much I hate people. The hypocrisy is everywhere! Even in your healthcare workers... granted you can even get access to good care... stupid selfish bastards.

My most confident prospective posting went something like, "I hate myself and I hate all the other filthy human trash on this planet." I decided that was a little, "Please track my IP address Intelligence Agency. I'm red-flagging as a possible clock-tower mass-murderer," so I erased it.

Some later thoughts were,"People keep telling me I'll make it through this and that if I can just get out of this moment I'll realize that it's really not as bad as it seems... yet it IS as bad as it seems... they're just big fat liars who have no idea how I feel, and this feeling of emptiness and rage doesn't really go away... it's always there, even when I'm happy, trying to pull me down.
It's almost like an awareness of the underworld that other people don't see.

I ultimately decided not to post anything out of fear of getting the comments like the ones you got on your post earlier. I didn't want to hear all these inspirational platitudes from people. Hell, I didn't really even know what I was expecting from posting... maybe all it was for was to get it off my chest? Who knows... I'm pretty irrational and moody like that.
I'll let you on a little secret:

I'm kind of crazy.

(Again, that's my grand-master acerbic wit you're reading... don't be fooled into thinking it's sincerity. I want you to read all of my asides with the looming voice of James Earl Jones in the background, preferably full of hatred and bitterness. You're gonna need to imagine Stars Wars Era J.E.J - not any of that Lion King, Circle of Life crap)

This certainly is not my first "suicidally-depressed/hating the world/venting to strangers as a desperate last attempt on an online forum", rodeo.

Yep. at this point I'm like an expert on this.

Yet, I was surprised just how "hopeful" the posts in the depression/suicidal ideation thread are... well, good for them, and I do mean that. Good for them that they don't have to feel the way you feel right now. Good for them that they still can find some positivity in it all... but for the rest of us there is humor.

I already wrote a lot of self-serving crap... so I'll end it on this note:

Today was an especially bad day for me. Last week I was depressed, but not quite this badly.

Last week I was listening to the radio and this classic American folk song came on by this dude named Phil Ochs. I believe he was a contemporary of Bob Dylan ~ if you follow such things~ and the lyrics gave me pause. The song is called "When I'm Gone"... and it's better if you listen to the actual song, not just read the lyrics by themselves...

As I was driving to work, feeling completely helpless and hopeless, angry and embittered, I realized that Phil Ochs, with his guitar, pen and paper, more than 50 years ago was thinking the same things about the world that I'm thinking now...
...and I had this tiny blip of hope for a second.... just knowing that some other crazy weirdo in this world was thinking the same things as I was, feeling the same hopelessness and despair, yet able to find something productive to do with the thoughts... and that his sharing of his thoughts caused me to feel just a tiny bit more connected to the world.

I wikipedia'ed him and he was the real deal. Totally, certifiably crazy. Phil Ochs committed suicide when he was 35 years old. Five years older than I am today... and you know what I'm gonna change my perspective for a second. I wish he hadn't committed suicide, because then maybe he'd still be writing things that gave other crazy loner weirdos a little bit of perspective. I've decided, we can't lose you after all. I need more angry, out-spoken, hateful, hypocritical pessimistic bastards on my team. We're a dying breed. You've got to make sure those genes get passed down to future generations.



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[Deleted member 41702]

@Dexter Engvik - I am sorry to read how much you are struggling right now.

You...

First I tried one therapist from age 9-14 before they knew what was wrong with me. They just thought I had ADHD. I then tried another therapist after my first one retired. This new therapist was a rookie and we didn't at all connect, at least I didn't, so I just told her I was fine and after a month or two I was out of the system. In early December of 2014 I spent 4 days in a mental institution, and it didn't help. After I got out I was set up with yet another therapist, though she wasn't a psychologist. With her I underwent EMDR and cognitive therapy. In very late January of 2015 I was once again put in a mental institution, for over a month this time. The last day when they were gonna send me home, I felt fine. When I got home everything got bad again. I continued seeing my therapist at the time and recieved EMDR and cognitive treatment until around the Summer when we ended our sessions (her call). During the simmer I was institutionalized once again. I honestly don't quite remember if I was on antidepressants back then, but I know I was about two months later. A month and a half after my 3rd time in an institution, I was put in foster care. On September 1st 2015 I moved in. I started seeing a new therapist, a man this time. This man's name was Pedro and he was from Portugal. His Norwegian wasn't too great, so our sessions mainly went in English. I also asked to try antidepressants. I tried Fluoxetine for a couple of months, and then Zoloft for about the same amount of time, though they had no effect. In February of 2016 I dropped out of school. I eventually went through the process to stop taking medication. I had no negative effects from this. I continued seeing Pedro until the summer when he determined I was fine. After that I gave up on therapy. Since then I have been by myself. I have been more and more withdrawn from everyone -even my long time best friend. We see each other every two months or so now. Hope this explains things more.

 

[joeylittle]

Hope this explains things more.

Thanks, @Dexter Engvik - it does.

I'd still be interested in reading the answers to your questions.

Also: it sounds like your depression is unremitting and difficult. I'm sorry for that. Mine is very bad as well, and it's been a lot of work finding some kind of medication that even helps a small bit.

What about going back to see Pedro, and telling him you are not fine?

I found this article - it's about a specific treatment center, and one has to be referred, but you might find the sound of this place interesting...

Norway orders drug-free treatment in psychiatry

 

[Deleted member 41702]

Thanks, @Dexter Engvik - it does.

I'd still be interested in reading the answer...

Well my sessions with Pedro ended when he was quitting his job to work with refugees. He offered to set me up with a new therapist, but considering all the effort it took to get set up with a man as well as the inefficiency if the treatment, I said "no".


P.S. Many studies suggest that most antidepressants are a scam intended to make money, as no one has been able to prove effects as anything other than placebo. In short, I'm not touching those sugar pills again.


That treatment centre is in Tromsø, way up North. I live down South. Thanks anyway.

@Dexter Engvik - I am sorry to read how much you are struggling right now.

You...

Three things that would make life more liveable would be getting the hell out of Norway, being self sufficient and being able to play music with others.

 

[Deleted member 41702]

Thanks, @Dexter Engvik - it does.

I'd still be interested in reading the answer...

The only thing I can think of that's worth remembering is how to play guitar.

 

[The Albatross]

In the interest of being self sufficient, is there any chance you could resume your education?

I had a keen desire too as a young person (I left at 17) for self sufficiency and independence. It was hard to finish high school but it did make it better for employment purposes.

 

[Deleted member 41702]

In the interest of being self sufficient, is there any chance you could resume your education?

I...

I started going to school last fall. I have to do something the first year of upper secondary before doing IT (industrial technology). I'm currently doing a first year electrician program on a trade school.

 

[The Albatross]

Good on you. Electrician is a good vocation pretty much everywhere, including the states.

 

[Deleted member 41702]

Good on you. Electrician is a good vocation pretty much everywhere, including the states.

Well I won't be an electrician though. Next year I'm doing IT. You know, computers, software, mainenance and service, that kind of thing. After one year of that I'll hopefully be an apprentice. After 2 years of apprenticeship my education is done -if I pass the final test.

 

[The Albatross]

Well it is a trade... and whether or not you're gonna choose IT... it is a choice that can give you a lot of flexibility.

 

[Deleted member 41702]

Well it is a trade... and whether or not you're gonna choose IT... it is a choice that can give yo...

IT is a hot profession, espescially in more urban areas. I hope that sort of education will be enough for me to settle down in america while I'm still in my early 20s. I'll be 20-21 when I finish my education.