I Have No One To Share....

[Anarchy]

I know that I have problem with my obsessive thoughts but I am trying to work at them. I know that I won't give up because I am a very determined person. I will keep trying until I make it...

Jess, have you listened to any of the "mindful way..." audiobook yet?

There's a Zen story in the early part, about a novice monk who was sent up a mountain to sit in a cave for a day and to clear his mind of all thoughts, to just sit there and think nothing.

The novice thinks this is great, what could be easier than thinking nothing...

At the end of the day, the novice was feeling like a complete failure, how could he think of nothing when even the thought of nothing was a thought, and there were so many distractions?

strangely his teacher didn't seem either angry or disappointed at his abject failure.

The next day the teacher gave him a new task, go to the same cave and sit as before, but this time to never to allow his mind to rest, he must constantly keep it occupied with thoughts, it didn't matter what thoughts, just don't stop thinking.

That shouldn't be difficult thinks the novice, and he set off up the mountain. By mid morning he was distraught, he just couldn't find anything more to think about, and when he returned to his teacher at sun set, he felt like a total failure, and dreaded the questions of how he had got on.

His teacher did ask him how well he felt he had succeeded at the task, and he replied truthfully that he had run out of thoughts by mid morning, and had totally failed at that task as well as the first one.

His teacher just smiled, and told him that now he knew how to succeed at both tasks.

I think you'll enjoy it.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Anarchy : Omg, hahahah, wow. This story is exactly how my mind works. You have written everything in this story. My mind works in two extremes and I always have something negative to think about, then I will argue with that one negative point to create a new negative project. Hence I keep going in circles. By that time I'm totally negative, I end up crying and mentally exhausted. I wish I could spend a day without thinking a thing, then my mind would be at peace, sadly this doesn't happen. If that happened I would be reaching the heavens of spiritual world.

 

[Tanishq]

@J_trustno1 Can you try to stay occupied by your tasks and never allow your mind to rest for a while, then see what happens? Will you give this a go?

 

[J_trustno1]

@Tanishq : what kind of task? Are you referring to the one where I think all day?

 

[Tanishq]

No Jess. How about you find one positive activity? so you will like to stay occupied with it. Note down how you feel after being occupied with it most time, make notes in your diary and share with us, we will be grateful to witness your progress. :)

 

[J_trustno1]

Oh cool Tanishq. I'll try it :)

 

[ihateusernames]

But for some reason some guys think that if you speak nicely to them, that you are just all for them which is not true. It kinda made me sad that I am being viewed just as an object.

Oh yeah they definitely do that, but there is no reason to see it as a negative or to assume that you are being objectified. Men are people, too. Often insecure and sometimes desperate and they jump at any positive attention they get, especially from a pretty girl. I'm sure those little "omg what if she's the one" thought bubbles pop into their heads sometimes when you're friendly toward them. Who knows what this married man's intentions were, of course, but I am sure they are not all seeing you as an easy- well, however you want to put it.

I'm not saying that you should jump at their attention at all, just don't feel so bad about all of it. That's far easier said than done, I know that, and I'm sure you've heard it all before. It is so hard to stop thinking in the past and out of your past, obviously, that's a big part of why we are all here, isn't it? But I promise you that not everybody is looking at you in a negative, demeaning light. I'm not ;)

Majority of young guys only want "sex" and that's all for them but for me it's more than just sex. I wouldn't have sex with a guy until marriage and until building emotional intimacy. I want to be able to relate to him at physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual level.

I'm having a hard time remembering whether you addressed this- why don't you have any interest in older men? I don't mean old men, I mean those who are a few years older than you, mid to late 30s maybe? My point, and if I'm not mistaken, Anarchy's point, is that these guys might be looking for the same things you are. 20-somethings are a mixed bag. Most people don't really grow up until their mid 20's (sorry under 25s, not meant to be belittling). Some want grown up relationships early on, right out of school. Others just want to play right through those years. But many of them start taking things more seriously into their 30s and on up.

I feel like I'm rambling now and have lost hold of what I was trying to say, but I'm sure you get the gist of it. LOL

 

[Anarchy]

I think people are a mixed bag at all ages. In my own case, I've been into relationships pretty much right the way through, and even though I was setting age brackets in my mind when I was on the look out, they tended to go out of the window when I met someone who I really liked and who liked me.

Now at around a half century, I've just learned what isolation is, and hopefully that will be my last isolation.

Each of my exes was allergic to the idea of having children (or atleast to the idea of having them with me as the father!), and I was keener on being with them than on pushing to have kids.

If I want to have kids now, that means that I would need to be meeting someone of around 15 years younger than me - plus whatever margin for us to get to know each other and that we wanted to be together and have kids. Late twenties very quickly becomes thirties, and then forties and then fifties... I'm sure that there are lots of other people in the same situation.

A very good female friend and former colleague, who was intelligent, ambitious, well qualified, competant and good looking, in her late twenties, had a guy in his late fifties as her partner. he was the person who she loved, and I think it was her who had made the first move too. She'd had to be tough in defending her choice, with both her own family and with one of his sons, who is her age.

There are also people of all ages who want to party or are looking for something light - and there is nothing wrong with that, so long as there is no deception involved.

It really is a question of what is right for who at whatever age.

 

[Deleted member 36516]

OMG! I am sufferer similarly