I Have No Where To Turn

[dianne]

My husband is 65 and when he was 60 our world fell apart.

Something happened to him, at first he was just nervous and depressed and he was always the rock u could lean on. Now 5 years later and several hospital visit in a mental ward at the VA, he has violent rages, verbal everyone are liars and I no longer can see any of my family. He said they all lied to him, brothers, sisters etc. Police have been here from neighbors where he rages at them, he no longer cares what he says or who he says it to. Call me bad names and our son yells at our granddaughters.

I am isolated from everyone, I am scared of him, he has never hit me just, verbal but tears me up. Just got out of hospital not any better maybe worse...VA says PTSD form Vietnam. I thnk and know its much more but can't get him to go to another Dr.......He is rages now need help.

 

[IvyMillie]

Wow I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It's probably especially hard because it sounds like he changed all of the sudden. What started it? Do you know?

I hate to say this, but I think PTSD does get worse the older they get. My husband is also in his 60's and a Vietnam Veteran. He has sought therapy at times, but does have alot of anger issues at the way he gets treated. I think they felt so hurt by the experience and lack of support--that the resentment and bitterness are still there. That's why many of them have a problem with authority figures.

My husband has gotten worse in many ways and depending what is going on in his life. He can't handle new situations where he doesn't feel in control. So he is upset alot. Alot of that is that they feel worthless and powerless. It's so hard for us to understand because they are very capable, yet feel worthless.

One of the worst times my husband had was when the VA wrote him this terrible letter regarding his experiences in Vietnam. Yikes that was bad!

Is your husband mad at them and won't seek any more help?

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. This site really saved me. The more you learn about the illness the more you will understand what is behind the rage and the more you will depersonalize it. In other words you won't take his behavior quite so personally--although it still hurts.

You will not feel so alone either, which for me was a godsend. It just made me realize that I wasn't crazy. This is a real illness just like if he had a broken leg. I think it's funny because I can recognize things he does related to his PTSD that he doesn't even know or understand.

Your husbands feeling like everyone lied to him--sorry is kind of a symptom. They tend to have paranoia and think people are out to get them. They saw so much evil in humans in Vietnam that that carries over. My husband generally thinks the worst of others, and will think they are out to get him.

I can't talk to my husband about his PTSD and how it affects me too often. I will occasionally be able to say things. When there are those moments you might be able to gently talk to him. He probably knows he needs help desperately, but doesn't know how to talk about it. You might be able to bring up Vietnam and be sympathetic. Then lead into his PTSD and how it has affected you both.

Is his rage precipitated by drinking? or some other trigger?

Since he used to be so good--I'm sure that guy is still in there. If you are super scared of him--maybe you and your son could sort of do an intervention at a time he is calm and able to be more receptive. He is still the same person in there--he just needs some help. Be as reassuring as you can be. Remind him how much you love him. However, you probably need to find away to express your fears and concerns.

Don't give up hope--the more you learn the better off you will be. My husband quit therapy a year ago and now is talking about going back--so I'm just glad that he is opening the possibility for that. Your husband probably knows he needs help, but his anger is stopping him. His anger may subside in time.

 

[dianne]

Oh thank you so much IvyMillie for responding.

No my husband has never drank or took drugs he was the kind of person everyone love and he would do anything for anyone. He is very verbal to my son cusses him and they get in really bad fusses, so son stays away as much as possible, I am alone in this.

My husband goes to thearpy every 3 months at VA and as I said, he just got back out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago and he is worse than ever. I don't know how to help him I have stuck by him, but I am sick myself and it is getting harder and harder. He is on so much meds for this and they say he has a form of Dementia didn't spell that right.

I am so lost after they sent him home, I just don't know what to do. In the hospital he is always good, never gets mad and acts like a gentleman and I ask him how can you do that up there and not out. His answer is, they don't make me mad.

 

[Tabula-Rasa]

Hey, Dianne! I'm very sorry for what you're going through. My own father was a Viet Nam vet in the Navy (river boats and mine sweepers) and, unlike your husband, was a violent, self-medicating user of alcohol. The thing that strikes me is the age and the sudden turn of events. It reminds me enough of my Alzheimer's grandmother that I have to ask if this has been explored? Although I suffer "Delayed Onset PTSD." my own symptoms seem significantly different from your husband's.

My experience with my grandmother, though, was that she was getting upset and agitated (with me) about things that happened before I was born and there was a paranoia that everyone was "lying" to her. I'm curious why you're thinking about PTSD?

In any case, I feel for you. It's VERY hard and confusing when a loved one suddenly changes like that. All I can say is to hold on tight to the good memories of your husband and don't take things personally when he's angry and upset: It's not him. It's that.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum Dianne :)

 

[Nighthawk]

Thank you for taking the step to find yourself some support.

Welcome to the forum:)

 

[wife of]

Lots of us here hunny.x

 

[Fembot]

Its so scarey listening to the echos of the behavior (paranoia, no longer cares what he says and to whom, authority figures are THE worst!)

Mine has been like this since age 33 when the abuse came back to him and the post op accident traumas left him in excruciating pain (so, no winking at passers by as to hint at Alzheimer's or the like aged diseases seeking sympathy...they just thought my spouse an ass....which he was) At its worst, we couldn't even go to a fast food joint with our toddler for fear of some unsuspecting food worker setting him off. Irrationality, irritability, hurtful words..I could go on, and on.

I am so sorry that he has lost himself in the rage. I will think of you. I can only hope you will advance me the same favor. :x3:

 

[Fembot]

He needs more than therapy once every three months. Can you speak with his doc? Do you have a medical power of attorney with HIPAA release to allow you to facilitate a discussion with his doc(s)?

 

[Laura]

I thought the authority figure issue was just my issue. I have that issue at work and I am fine if people say things to me calmly and in a way they want to help without harming me, but it is hard to do. My husband has had to separate me into 2 people the person that I am and the person I am with the illness. I really can't control my illness and I even cry and feel bad if I get mad at him. You no it is like releasing anger because it builds up, since you feel no one understands you and what you are going through. The anger that I release helps me get better but it hurts my husbands feelings that I yelled and cussed at him and I feel like crap for doing it. I am sure your husband doesn't do it intentionally. My meds have helped me with anger and irritability, but it seems it has turned into more stress for me inside and upsets my stomach and all more and more. I even had shingles in spring and I am way too young to really have to live with all this, but it is life. I hope you realize that he isnt mad at you, because I am sure he isn't. He probably doesnt understand what to do with him self at times. Just stay strong, but if it gets too bad I would get your self help.

<Please post in the forum default style font. Artistic post is for the Chit Chat section only. Thanks Amethist>

 

[jo may]

Hi Dianne and welcome to the forum:)

PTSD is not a given right to treat you badly, I truly feel for you.

I'm a suffer but I don't treat people badly, it's very wrong on his behalf.
And it seems that now your son thinks it's ok to treat people this way even his children.

I hope you find this site as helpful as I have.

(((Dianne)))
Take care.
JM

 

[Srain]

Welcome Dianne,

I'm very sorry you are struggling so much. This is a life changing situation that you are dealing with and I'm glad that you are seeking support. I agree that your husband does need much more support. In the meantime you certainly need to get out more and not become isolated with him. I understand that he is difficult, however, if he can be "good" in the hospital then he can be "good" for someone else to be with him while you step out. Since he is willing to go to the hospital I would look into a day program or support group for him to attend regularly. I get that he is paranoid but these are not affiliated with the VA but rather with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) but often meet close to if not at the VA facility. These are Vets meeting in support groups.

Take good care,
peace,
Rain