First of all,
to ALL who responded so positively to this thread and to AKJ and myself. And to those who have supported either of us in other ways or in other threads.
You all deserve more from me than I can offer you today, as it is one of those more difficult days, where my physical pain is negatively interacting with my mental agony.
To be quite honest, I have been so sick and stressed out that my last posting here is a little bit stunning even for me to read. Yet those are my very real feelings and sort of my life philosophy. And if I can not live up to it than how can I expect or beg others with PTSD to do the same.
It gets me a little bit miffed at times when I read from PTSD sufferers and supporters alike that we, PTSD sufferers, are not capable of reaching outside of our own baggage to befriend someone else. Just as it does when some PTSD sufferers "ask others to trust them and their personal narratives, but then state that they can not trust the words of other fellow sufferers".
Although I also must confess that I do understand it in the micro sense, as I too have been betrayed since birth by the very one who chose to give life to me. Most definitely, trust and friendship must be earned by both parties over time. And we do need to be cautious and protective when it comes to both.
Yet on a more macro level (which obviously starts on the micro level), we must, in my opinion, make trust, support, and friendship a choice we willing to choose to make in our own personal relationships as well as in our marginalized community which is fighting for access to the respect and services we all need and deserve.
I am not trying to appear judgmental or superior in any regard, for I am just a hurt human being, struggling to get well and get by each and every day. Nevertheless, I did feel compelled to write this post because in part I have some regrets and wish others to understand.
I do NOT make it a habit of making "the personal public". However, though no excuse, this site and friends like you were my only outlet for the overwhelming and defeating pain I felt at that time, a time of such raw devastation. And AKJ understands that and how suicidal I became as my health further declined. Enough said.
Yet despite all my own pain/agony, my mind still saw a much bigger picture (as it always does for whatever reason), a picture that no therapy, by its very nature can address. That picture or "lesson" being peer-to-peer relationships, where the investment is and can not be one-way. And if I was not willing to be vulnerable to all of you than how can I ask AKJ or any of you to be vulnerable to me and trust that I will honor such exposing vulnerability?
In my very humble opinion, we all do need to dig deep and find a way to choose to trust, support, and befriend each other if we are to find healing, hope, peace, and joy. And that we must be willingly to do despite our own traumatic pasts and fears which tell us that being vulnerable is both unwise and unsafe.
I apologized to AKJ for taking our personal problems and making them public on here. But in my defense (or to explain), I truly believed that she had "closed the book on our friendship" and I felt insignificant, betrayed and thrown away. However, as time passed I felt it would be hypocritical of me if I did not live and lead my own philosophy and beliefs. So I reached back out to her and to all of you...and so far ;) I have not regretted it. :)
I apologize for how poorly this was written, but I trust that you read this and my prior post in this light: Me being vulnerable to all of you in the hopes of helping some of you.
Thank you again for supporting me, during my medical, physical, and mental challenges. And more specifically, I hope I have indeed earned such support and returned such support.
Warm Respect and Regards,
Alex
