I Have Permission From Icon Nikon To Tell You...

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hi, Y'all, (((Alex))) has had several surgeries, and there is another big one looming. She has been gracious and forgiving to me during my week-long depressive episode. She SHOULD be wary of me, I would be. But, I am here for the long haul, whatever direction that takes her.

Anyway, she is grateful beyond words to all of here, and those who stop by her profile to say 'hello'. She appreciates your support. Words and thoughts, can help others' who know how it feels. Especially when you are in the hospital intensive care for a year.

Every day is a new day...thank heaven!

 

[CraftyCath]

((((((AKJ))))))

Thank you so much for the update.:tup: Send Alex my love. x

 

[Icon Nikon]

To all those reading this thread,

I have indeed had far too many procedures, tests, mistreatments, non-treatments, wounds, and surgeries. And as Loloma wrote, I am severely struggling to recover from a very virulent virus and pneumonia, which as AngelKeeperJ (AKJ) wrote is prohibiting a much needed, but pending and also looming, major brain operation.

With that stated, I would like to be completely honest and comprehensive about these past two weeks. As AKJ alluded to, she had been in the throws of deep depression for many weeks, which culminated in her "feeling as if she needed to end our friendship, for her well-being as well as for mine" one week ago Monday.

And yes, as anyone who has read my profile page will attest, I was hurt beyond words. Enough said. However, in one of her postings after that I saw and felt the pain she was in, and I tentatively (and tearfully) and cautiously reached out to her. And she reached back.

It has obviously not been easy on either of us and she would be the first to tell you that she does not deserve my forgiveness or my friendship. And in the throws of such illness, hurt and grief of that week I would have agreed, and if fact did agree, with that view.

Yet in spite of everything going against us, our respect and affection for each other in the end prevailed over the hurt and the pain. I am in no way saying that either of us is over what happened, just that we value each other and our previous friendship enough to be in the process of forgiving and healing, and I strongly feel that we will get there together.

I gather what I would like to say from my heart to everyone on here, is that:

1) forgiveness and healing would not have been possible after that tragic day had AKJ not shown me the kind of person and friend that she truly strives to be (and had been to me during the most challenging of circumstances - befriending me on such a personal level while I am so critically ill);

2) forgiveness and healing would also have not been possible if it had not been for this site and for all those on here who took the time and the care to support one or both of us and to help us remain connected to our friends on here (mind you that I think AKJ would agree - but right now she is struggling to forgive herself); and

3) friendship IS indeed possible between two people with PTSD if both people value it and are willing to work/fight for it when things go wrong. PTSD, etc, for the most part, can not be used as an excuse for failing a relationships (IMHO). Although one can only be accountable for their own actions, never those of another, and PTSD, etc does help when it comes to understanding, forgiveness and healing.

The bottom line is simple if you think about it. If we can not support or befriend "someone else" in good times and bad, then how can we have the nerve to ask "anyone else" to support or befriend us when we need it? And how can we ask others to fight for our needs if we ignore or neglect theirs? The caveat being that even professional psychotherapists (a truly one-way relationship) get paid for their time with us.

So please learn from AKJ and myself, and before you post asking for help or support, please look inside and ask yourself if you are "giving" as much to others as you are "receiving" from others (though those times of being able to give versus needing to receive do ebb and flow - as "I" very well know).

Nevertheless it is the "giving of AKJ" that beckoned me to reach back out to her in the depths of tremendous illness, hurt and grief. And she truly did deserve
that from me.

Where we go from here is solely up to us and time!

Thank you all for reading this and for supporting both of us when we needed it the most. May each of us return the favor to each of you when the need arises!

Now I MUST go offline and rest - I have exceeded my staff restricted Wifi access time for now!

Endearing <3 Hugs,
Alex

 

[KP the nut]

(((Alex))))

 

[Loloma]

(((((Alex))))) Both you and AJK are remarkable people. In any good relationship there are both good and bad times. Moreso with PTSD! None of us are perfect and personal circumstances can alter our moods and coping capabilities.

A true sign on friendship is the ability to say "I'm sorry", forgive each other and move on. You have both demontrated this, and we can all learn from it. :)

 

[ISupportHer]

Thanks so much for sharing this! She is in my thoughts and prayers!

ISH

 

[CraftyCath]

((((((((Alex)))))))) ((((((((AKJ))))))))

You are both in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((((((Hugs to you both)))))))))))))))))

Alex, this could not have been easy to share but it's clear what remarkable people you both are, thank you. Life seems to be a struggle at best but under these circumstances true friends are even more difficult to find and yes, forgiveness and understanding can be short supply if there is not communication and patience to some degree.

Sending peaceful and thoughts to both of you,
Rain

 

[Sammy]

I just had a conversation about this with my T.

((((((((((Hugs to both of you!!!))))))))))

It takes courage to be vulnerable. It even more courage to be openly vulnerable. You both are an inspiration to me. My prayers go out to both of you for healing - physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, whatever you need. I feel blessed to have read this thread and it gives me courage to open up to some people who deserve my full self. Not just the parts I feel safe sharing.

 

[intothelight]

(((Alex))) (((AKJ)))

I wish I could hit like a million times, but I can only hit it once.

Your post and your friendship touches my heart and my soul. :)

Deb

 

[Icon Nikon]

First of all,

to ALL who responded so positively to this thread and to AKJ and myself. And to those who have supported either of us in other ways or in other threads.

You all deserve more from me than I can offer you today, as it is one of those more difficult days, where my physical pain is negatively interacting with my mental agony.

To be quite honest, I have been so sick and stressed out that my last posting here is a little bit stunning even for me to read. Yet those are my very real feelings and sort of my life philosophy. And if I can not live up to it than how can I expect or beg others with PTSD to do the same.

It gets me a little bit miffed at times when I read from PTSD sufferers and supporters alike that we, PTSD sufferers, are not capable of reaching outside of our own baggage to befriend someone else. Just as it does when some PTSD sufferers "ask others to trust them and their personal narratives, but then state that they can not trust the words of other fellow sufferers".

Although I also must confess that I do understand it in the micro sense, as I too have been betrayed since birth by the very one who chose to give life to me. Most definitely, trust and friendship must be earned by both parties over time. And we do need to be cautious and protective when it comes to both.

Yet on a more macro level (which obviously starts on the micro level), we must, in my opinion, make trust, support, and friendship a choice we willing to choose to make in our own personal relationships as well as in our marginalized community which is fighting for access to the respect and services we all need and deserve.

I am not trying to appear judgmental or superior in any regard, for I am just a hurt human being, struggling to get well and get by each and every day. Nevertheless, I did feel compelled to write this post because in part I have some regrets and wish others to understand.

I do NOT make it a habit of making "the personal public". However, though no excuse, this site and friends like you were my only outlet for the overwhelming and defeating pain I felt at that time, a time of such raw devastation. And AKJ understands that and how suicidal I became as my health further declined. Enough said.

Yet despite all my own pain/agony, my mind still saw a much bigger picture (as it always does for whatever reason), a picture that no therapy, by its very nature can address. That picture or "lesson" being peer-to-peer relationships, where the investment is and can not be one-way. And if I was not willing to be vulnerable to all of you than how can I ask AKJ or any of you to be vulnerable to me and trust that I will honor such exposing vulnerability?

In my very humble opinion, we all do need to dig deep and find a way to choose to trust, support, and befriend each other if we are to find healing, hope, peace, and joy. And that we must be willingly to do despite our own traumatic pasts and fears which tell us that being vulnerable is both unwise and unsafe.

I apologized to AKJ for taking our personal problems and making them public on here. But in my defense (or to explain), I truly believed that she had "closed the book on our friendship" and I felt insignificant, betrayed and thrown away. However, as time passed I felt it would be hypocritical of me if I did not live and lead my own philosophy and beliefs. So I reached back out to her and to all of you...and so far ;) I have not regretted it. :)

I apologize for how poorly this was written, but I trust that you read this and my prior post in this light: Me being vulnerable to all of you in the hopes of helping some of you.

Thank you again for supporting me, during my medical, physical, and mental challenges. And more specifically, I hope I have indeed earned such support and returned such support.

Warm Respect and Regards,
Alex

 

[CraftyCath]