I Have Really Had It This Time

[sonickel77]

Two weeks ago I tried killing myself with overdoses of valium, panadeine forte and prozac. I can't remember how many times I have tried to end it all in a similar manner, but I am still here.

Every time I try suicide I'm already on antidepressants. I've been off them for two weeks and really feel like a zombie who just wants to die but has no energy. dont' want to eat etc. the usual.

The GP would not prescribe me another type of antiD because he thinks that's the psychiatrist's job. Meanwhile the shrink has made it clear he does not prescribe medicines (even though he's a doctor and psychiatrist) and that's the GP's job. I was supposed to go in to have a session with the shrink today but didn't, thought, what's the point. He didn't ring up to see why and he is going away on holidays until next year.

Mum and Nanna are constantly in my face about trying to keep me alive, crying, going through the guilt trips, and I just want to be LEFT ALONE.

Because after 24 years of suffering, with no real resolution or relief, disability pension looming, the judgement of family over xmas who will berate me for not "amounting to anything", I really don't want to exist anymore.

 

[anthony]

Hi Sonickel...

Firstly... I want to ask that you please refrain further from speaking to members of this forum like crap, ie. editors personal messages to you. Not called for or appreciated, hence why you got a temp ban placed on you.

The post above. Here's the thing... here you are reaching out, but then you respond with anger / ignorance, by admission, you want to be left alone. You are trying to kill yourself, you want help, but then you won't accept it.

Very normal behaviour... help me, but I won't let you, however; if you won't let loved one's atleast care for you, to help you, if you won't talk with them and help yourself, then you are just wasting everyone's time, including your own.

Been there, done it, so don't get all pissy about this... this is experience and having walked the same path as you are on right now. I get it... I really do, but you are here and wanting help, so how about you stop pissing in pockets and start truly helping yourself!

What that means is that when your brain is telling you to be left alone, you need to reach out to those close to you and ask for help... you don't need a pity party or sympathy from them, and you need to tell them that... that is what pushes people further away. It may simply be you need to be around someone, you may need to just get out with someone and do something, you might just want to really chat with them, but every ounce of PTSD is telling you that you will be judged or such. Stop thinking for others and start blurting the crap in your head out. It is doing major ongoing damage to you by keeping it in... secrets are what kill us, because PTSD symptoms thrive on secrets, as they cause negative emotion.

If you really are serious about wanting to help yourself, then how about you start acting like it, stop being angry and pushing those who try and help you away, and start listening, start doing, start taking control of your life to get some what better from what you are now. You have that power and control of your own life. Otherwise... if you want to die, then you may as well do it, because nobody can truly stop someone who wants to die... but you can stop you, and I don't believe you really want to die, because your here, reaching out, wanting help.

So how about you stop pushing help away and start dumping the crap in your brain and let others provide some assistance? The choice is yours... live or die.

 

[just me here]

when you say 24 years of suffering, I assume that means you are 24 years old. Man, there there are few things I can think of that I knew for sure at 24 that have turned out to be the truth at 48. I mean that, almost none. Some basic, deep level decisions about who I was and who I would be were forming and have stayed pretty close to the same path I was on at 24, but even the most dearly held ideals and plans I had for my life have been modified and adjusted over the years. Okay, maybe one thing, I was and am heterosexual, and that one never got adjusted. But honestly, I am constantly thinking to myself- If you had told me this is where I would be at 48 back then when I was 24, I would have questioned your mental capacity and asked you if you were stoned or stupid.

Don't ever underestimate your own ability to adjust and modify your life and thought processes. If you need help, get it. If you don't accept the help, be aware that you can do this on your own too and don't forget what I said- never underestimate your own abilities.

Sounds like you had some trouble with Anthony, I don't know what that was about, I don't care. But I can tell you he is right about one thing, you want help.

I want to give you the best advice I can based on my experience, it just happens to be exactly 2 times as much as you have, I want you to read this and think about it, OK? Read and think, this is all I got and I want to share it with you, just give me a little bit back- read and think, OK?

You will look back at this time in your life and be glad you didn't kill yourself, but only if you let yourself get to a point that you can look back from. I promise.

Very little that you are sure of right now will be the truth in 24 years.

Never underestimate your own ability to make adjustments and changes, beleive me, it will surprise you.

There are people that care about you, and the fact that you are posting here tells us that you are one of them.

I am one, Anthony is one, we are here for you, but you are the one that can do something. Do us all a favor and do for yourself what we would do for you if we could- save your life. We will all be glad you did.

I know, I am old and preaching, it's easy to shine me on based on just that. I could do the same with you, but I didn't. give me a little bit back for that, OK?

 

[Abrasky]

You mentioned about changing antideppressants. Are you thinking about changing antideppressants because you have a suspision your antideppressant is making you feel suicidal or because you don't think it is working.

Some antideppressants can make you feel suicidal. And some don't work. One antideppressant made me feel suicidal this for me and I didn't realise it until I was on a different antideppressant. I reccommmend getting a third or forth opinion from doctors.It sounds to me like your doctors are not being helpful by not listening to a proactive request like this to improve your situation by trying different treatments.

Try all the treatments. If one doesn't work, try another and try another and you might find that one thing that works and gives you some hope. It sounds like you have a very proactive approach to trying different treatments and have frustration with not being able to do anything about it. I say be a rebel and get a whole heap of different opnions and see 10 different pyschologists who specialise in different areas.