I Have To Tell My Siblings Why I Don't Communicate With Them Very Soon

[cupfish]

I have gotten a lot of good guidance from this community on family relationships that resulted in my CPTSD. I am the only one of 4 sibs who got this disease, they are all at least a decade older than I am. Although I informed them about my unique challenges on several occasions since CPTSD really became full-blown in my life around 10-12 years ago, none has responded, asked any questions, or recognized that I opened up my darkest secret which was then largely ignored.

The second component to the sibling relationship is that the two most opinionated sibs dig in, never talk about the impact my dad had on their lives, and clearly don't want to recognize how our shared traumas shape our relationship today. One sib is an alcoholic, the other married a bully. The nicer sib married a schizophrenic.

You can't change what you don't acknowledge, and as a result I had that AHA! moment last week which was that it's too little, too late with my sisters and brother. I should not have to curry their favor, or play by their rules, or be what they want at the cost of my mental health. It's been awful, playing their game. I haven't talked to them for several months, one sib tries to reach out but she is the worst of the 4 in pounding on me to fit her mold, not my reality.

So do I write? Email? Individually or as a group? What do I even SAY? Is this a bad idea? I do feel inform them that I have tried their way, it obviously doesn't work. They trigger me harder than anything else on this planet, but I can't talk about it so it doesn't get better. Sigh. I feel like I am in junior high.

 

[WillyKat]

Many years ago when wanted to tell my brothers and some friends about what I went through, my shrink asked me to think through exactly what I expected to happen with each one. While my case is different from yours (a neighbor abused me, not a family member), I think this is probably good advice.

If you're seeing a shrink, talk this over.

It serves two purposes:

• Sets realistic expectations. Sometimes, we have fantasies about how we would like people to react and then get extremely distraught when the fantasies don't come true. This is an exercise where all such fantasies are replaced with realistic analysis.
• Don't give someone else power over our lives. This is harder to explain. But often, we get dependent on how other people react to us instead of focussing on our own reactions. You can't put yourself in a situation where you need them to tell you "oh, yes, you're right, I was wrong. Expecting the worst case scenario might not be a bad strategy.

After you think this through, you may decide to leave one or two out. Or just put it off until later. Or, if this is really about putting your truth out there, you may decide to go for it.

There was one person I wished I had left out. I predicted she wouldn't respond, but my emotional side really needed her to respond. Of course, she didn't and I was devastated. Lesson learned.

I wrote letters, one version for friends, another for my brothers. They really didn't differ very much, except that my brothers knew who my abuser was; the others would not have a clue.

In terms of what to say, that's really up to you, but I think its important to concentrate on your truth, how it affected you, continuing challenges.

 

[cupfish]

This is genius. I now have a plan.