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Deleted member 47099
Hey DFT1
I think partners behaving abusively is understandably a huge trigger for many/ most people. And I think it's easy to immediately think "OMG the other person should get out of the relationship NOW"
In principle, I agree with this too. There's no "excuse" for abusive behaviour and there's no reason to tolerate it, and trying to keep an abusive relationship going "for the sake of the kids" is often back-to-front logic, because an abusive relationship is actually worse for kids than the end of a relationship...
Having said that, I also don't believe that most situations/ relationships are a clear-cut black-and-white thing, where one person is being a "horrible abusive monster" and the other person is the "innocent victim that needs to run as hard as they can". YES, there ARE many relationships where this IS the case, but that doesn't mean => all relationships where there is some abusive behaviour immediately fall into this category.
I do think trying to separate "which of these 2 situations is it?" is incredibly difficult and may not be a 100% sure call.
The forum I recommended to you (BPDfamily) is totally specialised on these difficult relationships, where one person is exhibiting some abusive behaviour due to a mental illness. They are very knowledgable and skilled and experienced at working out "is this plain abuse - you need to get out" or "is this a mentally ill person with some abusive traits and you can work on the situation by learning massive coping skills and getting help, if that's what you choose to do".
It's a very difficult call and my recommendation would be to touch base there and tell your story there in detail, giving all information about your wife's alcohol issues, infedelity issues, abusiveness, mental health issues, how it impacts you, how it impacts your kids and how she is cooperating or not in therapy.
It's certainly a place where you will get non-black-and-white answers and will be able to read up on hundreds of cases exactly like yours.
You can see examples where people decided that there was no way they were putting up with it and who got out for the sake of themselves and their children.
You can also see examples of the few people who have put in unfathomable amounts of work and have "made it work" - these are very rare cases tho and IMHO these partners are more like "carers" for their mentally ill partners than in a "true relationship". I'm not sure all of them would agree with my analysis, and there are probably truly a few exceptions, but IMO, many/ most of them are basically "carers" not partners.
You can also see examples of people putting in the huge, incredible amounts of work and effort and whose relationships are still drama and focus entirely on the needs and issues of the mentally ill partner. These examples taught me the most - seeing how much work would be required to make it even work "a tiny bit" and knowing that if after massive, massive work I could even "get there" that I would still only be the "carer" for my partner and not actually BE his "partner"... those examples made me give up in the end and say: My life is not being the carer/ caretaker of someone who is mentally ill and who refuses to get treatment and who is abusive to me and who thinks that I am the one who can "fix" everything if only I would do everything "right"...
Other than "go check out that forum" I don't really have much advice to give... cos all other advice pales in significance...
Wishing you well in a difficult situation and with the difficult decisions you are facing...
