General I Just Don't Understand...

[KittyKat]

I'm just at a loss for understanding.

I have a friendship with a former Iraq Vet who has combat ptsd, though that friendship seems to be on the rocks at the moment....which I am having a hard time with.

But my sister has had a long time fiance....they have dated for about 6 or 7 years, she is about to start med school, and he is in the Army reserve. Though he has been to Iraq. Well, it goes without saying that he is COMPLETELY different since his return.

He has always treated my sister with love and respect. But now he drinks uncontrollably, he started hanging out with another girl, who is quite the party girl apparently, and broke off the engagement with my sister.
He started dating this other girl, sharing this details with my sister. But of course, he would tell her he still loves her, and they will be together....but yet spends a lot of time with this other of course.

My sister told him that she does not want to deal with him until he stops seeing her, goes to counseling and stops drinking. But he won't admit there is anything really wrong with him.

My sis is a VERY sweet and caring girl, like many of us, and she of course has had a really hard time seperating herself from him. When he calls and says I love you...she wants to believe it. I would too.

But it continues...and he spent the majority of last week with her, then all of a sudden went off on her last night, said she was needy, this is why they didn't work, and he can't take it.....then tells her he needs to go see that other girl, changes his shirt and leaves....

then of course leaves her messages today like nothing happened, and that he needs a ride to work because of some car accident and he can't wait to spend the next couple of weeks with her.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Because of my own relationship with my friend, who has also recently pushed me away, I have tried to read as much as I can about combat ptsd....but I don't udnerstand this. It's easier, sort of, for me to believe that when "my guy" says he doesn't want a relationship with me, that he means it. Aside from the MANY mixed signals.

But it is VERY hard for me to understand my sis's ex. If there is anyone with any experience or any insight as to what could possibly be going through his head?? Why would he treat her SO poorly, so disrespectfully??
I know that he is a different man now, but I just really need for someone to explain to me as best they can what is possibly going on?...

Thanks everyone. So confused right now, hurt for my sis, and myself.:wall:

 

[Nicolette]

Hi KittyKat

There is a lot which has been said about these topics in the past if you have time to read all the past posts. If you do you will also see there is a pattern, as unfortunate as that is.

In its simplest form, a person suffering from uncontrolled PTSD and who is in denial doesn't know which was is up let alone able to manage relationships well. Love is not the question here....it is the sufferer's ability to process things without feeling that they are going to overload. They themselves are on a roller-coaster ride which they don't understand so they have no hope of explaining it to you.

From a Carer's point of view....it is important to have strong and healthy boundaries. You say your sister has set down the rules yet she is still allowing this man to act as he is....she is in-fact enabling him if she allows him in while he is still seeing the other girl while stipulating otherwise.

You will get mixed signals and you have to believe what you want but know this....someone with uncontrolled PTSD in denial is a very ill person who must help themselves first and realising that is difficult for them.

Perhaps you could read the information section and the sticky threads at the top of this section. I would start with this... [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread7738.html"]Should I Stay Or Should I Go? A Reality Check.[/DLMURL]

Remember too.... working out what is happening to your sufferer will not change anything if he himself does nothing.

 

[KittyKat]

Thanks Nicolette,

I am going to pass along what you said to her. She really needs some strong support. She comes to me because I support her, like no one else does, because of the research I have done.

I will look at that link too! Thank you very much.