I Just Want To Be The Old Self Again

[Megan]

Hello,
I'm relatively new, but posted a few post already.

I hate my life... at least I hate my life NOW. I used to happy - easy going person. I have always been polite to others, treated people with respect, even though some of them didn't deserve my respect but since I was brought up with treating others the way you want to be treated, I was nice to every one. But nobody has shown me any in return.

The last time I had any true Real Life Friends was in 5th grade...(I'm 24 years old and out of college already). Things after 5th grade got bad, then worse...

Anyway, back to the present. I am not happy. I end up crying. Sometimes for no reason at all - nothing bothered me prior to crying. I can't live in the present. I can not take one day at a time. I'm either living in the past by remembering the fun times I had, or the future where I will no longer have my parents around to help me. I always think about them dying and leaving me -helpless. As I am typing this I am crying my eyes out just thinking about it. I can not go past a cemetary. If i have to i will look the opposite way, same with funeral cars etc.

I worry constantly bout my parents. And miss the things we do together when they are gone. :(. My mom and i go to Disney every year and I just think about the time when she can no longer go with me.. My dad and I go crabbing every year, a few times a year and can't imagine him being gone.

I don't want to be here when they do die or even get older. I don't want to see their health deteriorate in front of me from people who used to be going on cruises and vacation to people who can't do a lot of things they used to be able to. I think about this a lot. Especially with my dad's health. My dad has had two strokes before the age of 60. He has balancing problems and recently fell and got a black eye. It breaks my heart to see him like this.

I no longer can go to sleep on my own. I have to take melatonin at night/early am. and always wake up stressed out. i do not enjoy life any more. I'm 24 years old, No friends no job.. never been in love. I suffer from PTSD and major depression. i have been stabbed in the back by sooo many people that I no longer know who to trust any more.

I just remember the old days. I look back on my life.. like i can really see my life flash before me. LIke i'm scrooge from A CHristmas Carol looking back on my life except my life seemed to be happy for me at the time. At times i get light-headed and dizzy, and get stressed to the point my stomach hurts. I am really sentimental and everything is both happy and sad because some day my parents won't be here which is like 20-30 years from now but the days feel like they are going by sooo fast.

I'm not ready to be on my own. I don't think i will ever be ready to be on my own.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Megan,

Welcome to the forum! I am glad that you had the courage to post how you are feeling.

Some of the things that you worry about constantly (e.g. the fear of your parents' death and that the fear of being on your own) I think are things that should be discussed with a therapist. I think you need some support from a professional to cope with that. Do you have a current therapist?

I am not sure what your PTSD is from. That is fine, but I cannot figure out how that affects your current struggles. You seem to have positive memories from your earlier childhood and strong positive relationships with your parents. Can you draw on those positive memories and relationships to help get you through the tough times?

As far as seeing your father ill, frail, and weak, I can definitely relate to that. My mom has been battling advanced breast cancer since this spring. It is definitely hard to watch her feel weak and tired and struggle through the many side effects of chemo. She has 3 of 16 chemo treatments left. Surgery and 33 radiation treatments will take place this fall.

I understand what your dad must feel like with having balance difficulties. Not having balance is difficult. With increasing age, bones become weaker, which makes falling more dangerous. Scarlet fever completely damaged my inner ears. As the inner ear is responsible for both hearing and balance I lost both as a young child. Without assistive devices I fall regularly (30-50 times a day) which often lead to concussions. Until 2004 I primarily crawled to move safely or held on to walls, making it difficult to teach my classes at the University and complete my Ph.D. program. Through physical therapy I received a wheelchair for longer excursions and complex settings and a walker for shorter distances. Luckily in 2005, I also received a wonderful service dog. My situation is different in that I am younger and have been disabled for most of my life. I am proud of being Deaf and being part of the Deaf Community. So many things are different for me.

I wish you and your parents a good journey!

Take care!

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Meagan, Welcome to the forum.

Nomad has some wise words above. I was also bitter, I wanted my life the way it was before PTSD. It took a lot of therapy and soaking in the information here that I began to realise I will never be that person again.

I am learning to accept and love who I am now, accept what I can do now as opposed to what I could do then.

Wishing you peace and healing. I look forward to knowing you better
KP

 

[ronin47]

As much as we would like to, there is no turning back the hands of time. The only thing you can do now is look forward because time is going to keep going whether you want it to or not. I too dread the day that I must bury my mother, but death comes to everyone, at one point or another, in one way or another, and nothing can ever change that.

If you do not accept what you cannot change, you will never be at peace.

What you can do is work hard in therapy and at your recovery. If you do that, a life even better than what you had before PTSD is a very real possibility. Instead of longing for what can never be, look forward to what can be even more wonderful than before.

I have friends now here in college, friends that call me and leave worried and concerned messages on my cellphone when they hear I got taken to the hospital. I have an amazing relationship with my mother and a healthy relationship with my father. I have the courage to step up and apply (and get accepted) for leadership positions in student organizations. I have the energy to got out and do all kinds of activities in the community.

I didn't have any of that even before PTSD.

No matter what, you will have hard times in your future. I still have my mountains and valleys and I know I always will. The difference now is that I know I can make it through them.

 

[Megan]

The thing is that I'm out of college. didn't meet any positive people for long lasting friendship. i really never had a long-lasting friendship. I keep wondering why. It is hard for me to meet new people because I have came across people who have lied just for their own gain. I just don't know any more. I feel isolated, even with family around. I just don't feel like a person any more. I just feel disconnected from the world. Every day I pray to god i die in my sleep. So far my prayer has not been answered.

At times i feel sad/depressed and other times i feel like i'm extremely happy like a delusional happy.... feels like i'm on - i guess pain killers to make you happy - but i'm not. I just want to feel normal again...

 

[ronin47]

Oh goodness, that feeling of being alone even when surrounded by friends and family :(.

To me that's an indication of the need for inner healing and personal introspection. I once used the analogy of a house with someone else. A house is like a heart and mind.It can look as pretty and fancy as you please on the outside, but if it's a mess on the inside, it's no good for living in.

 

[Megan]

I just don't know any more. I have panic attacks and it seems for no reason. I think about death a lot and not the way you think I am thinking. I think about people close to me dying. Like my parents. They are in their early 60's and i just keep worrying because they are getting older and they are not in the same health as they used to be. I can not wrap my mind around living w/o them. I don't think I can ever be on my own. Never. I felt more independent when I was in HIGH school. I had a job and was able to leave my parents for more then a day. Now i just have panic attacks. I am scared to want to be on my own.

I might be going on anti-depressants but I'm not sure what they will do for me. I just am scared about the future. Scared about a lot. I don't have any friends here just pen pals (that have stopped writing for some reason.) I don't enjoy life any more. I just think i'm on borrowed time and waiting for death to come. I cry myself to sleep more often these days. As days pass my dad gets worse. and when days pass - it just means one less day w/ them even though I spent my day w/ them. I just don't know.

Every night I pray to God that he kills me in my sleep. I don't want to live life like this any more. I'm scared about the future, I miss the past and just want to be my old self again. I get stomach aches a lot. I'm never hungry.. It's just a bad life for me....

My parents had to take care of my grandparents. I honestly don't know how they do it. I don't know how they can live with their parents getting older and dying. It's all about change. I am afraid I'll have to take care of my parents and if i do i don't know if i can handle it. But I will take on the part of care taker because they have taken care of me for the past 24 years. I just don't want to be here when they do "go."

 

[Ron]

Hi Megan, nice to meet you. You have a friend here and that's me. I am 46 (been around the block lol) and I can identify with your struggles. I want to ask you this. Are you getting professional help? If not, please do so as soon as possibel.
I believe you are suffering from depression and there is a way back. Get your loved ones involved in your recovery.
Tell them you need them.
You and me and everyone else on this planet is mortal. We are all going to die some day, that's a fact. If we lived forever life would be meaningless.We would be bored out of our minds and it would lose its flavouir say after a 150-200 years or so. All we have to think about is the now.The past is gone forever, and tomorrow hasn't happened yet.

You are VERY FIXABLE. Your state of mind is only temporary. Please get help and get help soon. And keep this guy posted ok? Sincerely, Ron (((HUG)))