I Keep Dissociating Over The Same "memory"

[FabulousEnding]

My first real dissociative episode was about all of the awful things my father had said to me. Then, I got another really horrible one triggered by something small while laying in the dark in bed with my boyfriend. I thought my bf was my dad and I was in sexual danger, but 25% of me was still there so I asked my bf to keep talking so I could hear his voice to remind me it's him. I felt so petrified I couldn't even talk. I hand-signaled my dog to ground me three separate times. Two days later, I buried all of it so much and still felt the sense of terror, and the sound of a local church bell triggered me into a full on dissociative episode. It was a neutral memory of a time I felt safe. The walls were a different color, the scenery around me changed and I truly believed I was somewhere else. Third flashback was last night in my sleep. Apparently, I was dreaming about a man coming into my bed in the middle of the night and I was scared. My boyfriend said I sat up in a complete state of terror, said some things he doesn't remember, said I thought he was someone else I was petrified of, and he reassured me it was him... and at the sound of his voice and words I completely calmed down and went back to sleep. He said I wasn't asleep, that I was fully awake.

I don't know why this keeps pestering me. My father is a giant whore sex addict and used to sleep in my bed all the time when I was 13-14 instead of sleeping in the bed with my mother. The only thing I remember is that sometimes I would fall asleep by myself and would wake up and he'd be in my bed, and I remember feeling scared he was there for another reason. It's all strange.

I don't understand what is happening to me.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yeah, you've been violated. Fathers should NOT be sleeping with their teenage daughters. Even if he didn't molest you, just being there is a betrayal of your trust. I'd keep distance from him for sure. And what was your mom doing allowing this to happen?
You've got some buried memories. Everyone has their own theory of dreams so I won't comment on that. But memories want to be released. Make a safe place you can go to, if even just in your mind, when these episodes occur. Your boyfriend did a stand up job supporting you! And work on these memories with your therapist. Working on dissociation is kind of like balancing on a log flowing down a river.

 

[FabulousEnding]

You're right, it is trust betrayal. I mean, sleeping in my bed is weird yes but the fear I feel during these episodes is beyond what I would think my reaction is... I dunno it's all so confusing.

As far as my father goes, back in feb he told me he didn't love me and wanted nothing to do with me for the rest of his life. Been gone ever since.

 

[FabulousEnding]

I told my NPD mother about the topic of the flashbacks and all she had to say was "Sounds like you need to stay in therapy." Makes me think she knew and didn't give a shit. When I was 6 I had a bad dream and slept in the bed with my mom (just me and her), and I woke up with my dad lying next to me completely naked. He used to demand sexual details from times with my boyfriends when I was 19. It seems more probable than not something could have happened. I've been saying for years that with the kind of person he is, I'm surprised he never did anything to me because he's totally that type of person. My mom said when my cousin was 14, she caught my dad looking at my cousin in this super creepy old man perv kind of way. Over the past few years, I didn't feel like he had a connection in his head I was his daughter as he looked at me lustfully.

I don't want to know the truth. It hurts and makes me terrified and I don't want to deal with it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I don't want to deal with all this crap either. For me naming it, claiming it and dumping it has helped me looking forward instead of being frozen in the past