I have no idea how to begin this honestly. I'd say the beginning but I'm not even sure what/where that is so please bear with me, it might get messy.I'm also just throwing everything out there, which I've never done before because I hope/think it might be good call out these things without too much euphemisms.
I'm a 30 something mother of 2 wonderful smart social kids, and married to my husband (who was my BF for more than 8yrs).I have a good job that I used to love, bit less now but a promotion is coming up as a junior 3rd line specialist while I have next to none official training -> this is kind of a big deal. I have a good relationship with my family and think I am generally well liked, although considered fairly quirky :) I believe in God, and have recently been diagnosed with ADHD after a lot of effort on my part since there isn't much experience in diagnosing adults where I live.
That is me now, or at least a part of it.
Some other parts are, I come from a dysfunctional family.My father was an alcoholic, not a violent one but we did have money issues (not extreme) and my mother had to do practically everything alone for four kids which of course created some tensions. I have been bullied for as long as I can remember in school.Not physical (or very seldom) but just continously,relentless namecalling,humiliation,pretending to be my friend when alone and butchering me when in the company of other people.One of the recurring "reasons" me being a redhead, which "ofcourse" meant I was filthy,stupid,smelled,.. I don't think I ever was one year or week in school (starting from kindergarden) that I didn't hear "you stink" yelled at me. My mom tells me apparently I held up a paper once when I was 7 or 8 in the back of a school bus,written with "they're bullying me, I want to get off this bus".
School was war for me, everyday was like walking into a minefield.
Another part is that I have been abused by my two male siblings, one a lot more relentless than the other (whom is mentally "behind" which might be why I'm having it less difficult with that..or maybe I just don't remember it enough). I have no idea how long, if I were to guess I would say from somewhere between 8 and 12 but it could be shorter,longer,..it's somewhere in that or surrounding that timespan. I always knew it was abuse but because there was never penetration I thought..I don't know.. It couldn't be something that causes something like cptst. I know logically that's convoluted thinking at it's finest but it's just hard to see myself as a victim because wherever I look I see people that seem to have gone through things so much worse.I think in one way that's good because I can still recognise a lot of the values and good things I had/have in my life.But it makes it very hard to even feel ..stuff about all this.Again, seemed like a perfectly valid coping mechanism to me which I was perfectly ok with =) were it not that apparently these things do make me feel a lot, only it seems more and more to express itself in having difficulty breathing.
You know that feeling when you're about to cry and your longs and throat aches, and your muscles tense.That's what I have, but without the crying. I have it when my husband snuggles up to me and I feel his erection pushing against the back of my body, or when he touches my breasts or performs oral on me, or when somebody stands just that little bit too close, or even touches me (not innapropriately, it can be just a pat on the shoulder with no malintent) for a second too long, or when I have the feeling someone is interested in me, even a little bit, it makes me want to run away and I'm mad for them laying that on me.I'm constantly afraid of not being smart enough to do this or understand that, which is fairly ridiculous since everything and everyone (including my employer) show me that's not the case but.. it just feels as if whichever bar I set for myself I'm never able to reach it. I have no idea what to do with strong emotions, I always thought it was just because of how my brain works, which I'm certain is a factor.I'm somebody that prefers to take decisions based on if/then/else and logical scenarios rather than "how it makes me feel" , but in the rare occasions I really want or need to know how I feel, I have no idea.
It's like making something out in murky water, the harder I focus the less clear it becomes.Just as with my memories of the abuse.I know glints and pieces but when I look deeper it becomes nothingness.I can sometimes feel so much and just have no idea what it is.I used to cope by cutting myself, overeating and throwing up,drugs,drinking,alcohol,promiscuity,.. posterchild here :) Some of these things still flare up from time to time, but almost in a (strange but true) medicinal way.Like one or two cuts, not more just to be able to breathe again.
My brother already apologized to me for what he did, and I know he means it.I have (i think, how do you know that) forgiven him. But despite being a proper functioning adult I just know (even aside from the breathing issues) stuff isn't right.
I read about dissociation and think I might experience this, but I'm not certain.Maybe I'm just a spacecadet, maybe it's something else.I often feel as if I'm walking around and in my hand is a balloon, and in that balloon is my mind.It's weird but I don't know how else to put it.I also feel as if I'm not connected to my husband or children. Not that I don't love them or like being near them, I just have these moments that seem like I should be taking all in like just enjoying my kids but it's a if I experience it through a cellofaan wrapping. I can feel of notice how hard soft warm cold fun bad something is, but there's a thin layer which makes me not completely connected. This isn't always and could be adhd related because amphetamines seem to "pull me in my body" a bit more.I startle extremely hard, as in jumping up from the ground.And I do experience emotional flashbacks I think (I also have flashbacks flashbacks from 2 car accidents I was in but they're different, and gradually lessening)
Ther's probably a lot more, but I don't want to break the record for longest first post :) so I think I'll stop.
I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish here, but it beats not doing anything.
(I'm not a native english speaker so my apologies for any mistakes I may have made)
I'm a 30 something mother of 2 wonderful smart social kids, and married to my husband (who was my BF for more than 8yrs).I have a good job that I used to love, bit less now but a promotion is coming up as a junior 3rd line specialist while I have next to none official training -> this is kind of a big deal. I have a good relationship with my family and think I am generally well liked, although considered fairly quirky :) I believe in God, and have recently been diagnosed with ADHD after a lot of effort on my part since there isn't much experience in diagnosing adults where I live.
That is me now, or at least a part of it.
Some other parts are, I come from a dysfunctional family.My father was an alcoholic, not a violent one but we did have money issues (not extreme) and my mother had to do practically everything alone for four kids which of course created some tensions. I have been bullied for as long as I can remember in school.Not physical (or very seldom) but just continously,relentless namecalling,humiliation,pretending to be my friend when alone and butchering me when in the company of other people.One of the recurring "reasons" me being a redhead, which "ofcourse" meant I was filthy,stupid,smelled,.. I don't think I ever was one year or week in school (starting from kindergarden) that I didn't hear "you stink" yelled at me. My mom tells me apparently I held up a paper once when I was 7 or 8 in the back of a school bus,written with "they're bullying me, I want to get off this bus".
School was war for me, everyday was like walking into a minefield.
Another part is that I have been abused by my two male siblings, one a lot more relentless than the other (whom is mentally "behind" which might be why I'm having it less difficult with that..or maybe I just don't remember it enough). I have no idea how long, if I were to guess I would say from somewhere between 8 and 12 but it could be shorter,longer,..it's somewhere in that or surrounding that timespan. I always knew it was abuse but because there was never penetration I thought..I don't know.. It couldn't be something that causes something like cptst. I know logically that's convoluted thinking at it's finest but it's just hard to see myself as a victim because wherever I look I see people that seem to have gone through things so much worse.I think in one way that's good because I can still recognise a lot of the values and good things I had/have in my life.But it makes it very hard to even feel ..stuff about all this.Again, seemed like a perfectly valid coping mechanism to me which I was perfectly ok with =) were it not that apparently these things do make me feel a lot, only it seems more and more to express itself in having difficulty breathing.
You know that feeling when you're about to cry and your longs and throat aches, and your muscles tense.That's what I have, but without the crying. I have it when my husband snuggles up to me and I feel his erection pushing against the back of my body, or when he touches my breasts or performs oral on me, or when somebody stands just that little bit too close, or even touches me (not innapropriately, it can be just a pat on the shoulder with no malintent) for a second too long, or when I have the feeling someone is interested in me, even a little bit, it makes me want to run away and I'm mad for them laying that on me.I'm constantly afraid of not being smart enough to do this or understand that, which is fairly ridiculous since everything and everyone (including my employer) show me that's not the case but.. it just feels as if whichever bar I set for myself I'm never able to reach it. I have no idea what to do with strong emotions, I always thought it was just because of how my brain works, which I'm certain is a factor.I'm somebody that prefers to take decisions based on if/then/else and logical scenarios rather than "how it makes me feel" , but in the rare occasions I really want or need to know how I feel, I have no idea.
It's like making something out in murky water, the harder I focus the less clear it becomes.Just as with my memories of the abuse.I know glints and pieces but when I look deeper it becomes nothingness.I can sometimes feel so much and just have no idea what it is.I used to cope by cutting myself, overeating and throwing up,drugs,drinking,alcohol,promiscuity,.. posterchild here :) Some of these things still flare up from time to time, but almost in a (strange but true) medicinal way.Like one or two cuts, not more just to be able to breathe again.
My brother already apologized to me for what he did, and I know he means it.I have (i think, how do you know that) forgiven him. But despite being a proper functioning adult I just know (even aside from the breathing issues) stuff isn't right.
I read about dissociation and think I might experience this, but I'm not certain.Maybe I'm just a spacecadet, maybe it's something else.I often feel as if I'm walking around and in my hand is a balloon, and in that balloon is my mind.It's weird but I don't know how else to put it.I also feel as if I'm not connected to my husband or children. Not that I don't love them or like being near them, I just have these moments that seem like I should be taking all in like just enjoying my kids but it's a if I experience it through a cellofaan wrapping. I can feel of notice how hard soft warm cold fun bad something is, but there's a thin layer which makes me not completely connected. This isn't always and could be adhd related because amphetamines seem to "pull me in my body" a bit more.I startle extremely hard, as in jumping up from the ground.And I do experience emotional flashbacks I think (I also have flashbacks flashbacks from 2 car accidents I was in but they're different, and gradually lessening)
Ther's probably a lot more, but I don't want to break the record for longest first post :) so I think I'll stop.
I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish here, but it beats not doing anything.
(I'm not a native english speaker so my apologies for any mistakes I may have made)
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