I like the fact that I know nothing about him

[Emotional girl]

I have had 6 sessions with a counsellor who specialises in sexual abuse and so far I have found it difficult but I also know I need to do this in order to move on.
My new therapist is completely different to my last therapist in that I know nothing about him at all apart from his first name.
With my old therapist I knew quite a lot about his life from the name of his dog to the problems he had at work.I think one of the reasons I became so attached to him and developed transference is because I wanted to look after him and love him.
So far with my new therapist I haven't developed any feelings and it is very much a therapist/client professional relationship.
I was just wondering if you prefer to know a lot about your therapist or nothing at all ?
Does it make a difference in the therapeutic relationship ?

 

[ILoveLife]

For me it makes a huge difference. I prefer a detached professional approach.

 

[Emotional girl]

I always thought that I needed to feel attached to my therapist in order for therapy to work but I found that it also cause me a lot of heartache and pain because I couldn't deal with the abandonment issues.
Thank you @Sietz for you view.It is always intresting to get other people's view.

 

[barefoot]

I’m very interested in following this thread as I don’t have enough experience to know which option would be most effective.

My current T is the only T I’ve ever had and I’ve been seeing her for 4 years or so. I know quite a few things about her...what she did before she was a T, her boyfriend’s name and occupation, stuff about her cat, the town she lives in, where she goes on holiday, some past health things...they’re little snippets...not huge overshares by her, I don’t think, and it’s never been in a sense of focus of sessions being on her not me...

I think she shares little things to help build relationship, and I think that’s what happened with me...I was absolutely terrified at the start and her decision to share some things about herself made it easier for me to see her as human and to feel more comfortable with her...to build trust, rapport, relationship and for me to also open up and share things about me, which I don’t find easy to do. So, I think this warmer, relational, more sharey approach helped me on that front.

As you say though, having that warmer, more relational, more personal feeling connection has certainly has its pitfalls in my experience. There have been times when the relationship has just felt like such a head f*ck...attachment stuff, abandonment feelings, feeling attached to her and loving that in one way but finding it incredibly painful and confusing in other ways etc.

I do sometimes wonder if I would do better with someone detached who didn’t share anything about themselves. Because then there would be less intimacy. It would feel less intimate. And that would feel a lot easier, I think. To not feel like we have a relationship at all, really.

My gut feeling is that I would find that too cold and terrifying and that I wouldn’t be able to feel comfortable with them or open up. But maybe it would be ok and would just let me avoid the more confusing/painful relational stuff?

There again, perhaps the fact that I feel the painful/confusing stuff and that I experience such a push/pull in terms of my attachment to her...maybe that suggests I will benefit more from someone more relational (like my T) who can help me work on that stuff with her?

Ha! It’s a confusing topic for me, as you can probably tell with my rambling reply!

Would be interested to hear others’ thoughts on this.

Main thing though - I’m really pleased that things seem to be working out for you with your new T!
Just curious: did you deliberately start with this new T because you knew you wanted a more detached approach? Was it your intention to move to a deliberately more professional relationship? Or is that just how it’s turned out?

 

[Emotional girl]

@barefoot Thank you for your reply and I didn't think your reply was a ramble at all and I found it very interesting and could so easily relate to what you are saying.
I live in the Uk and I saw my last therapist on the NHS.My new therapist works for a charity which deals with CSA so on both occasions I didn't really have a choice over who my therapist would be ,so it is just how it has turned out really.
My old therapist allowed me to give him a Christmas present and leaving present but with this one I have signed a contract that no personal gifts will be exchanged so that is something different as well.
I quite like the fact with this new one that I don't feel like I have to look after him and protect him and I wouldn't feel devastated if he cancelled a appointment because I don't feel that attachment to him.
However saying all this I still miss my old T a great deal and often think about him.

 

[Emotional girl]

Also I will say even though I do not know anything about the new T I have managed to form a therapeutic relationship and I like him.He comes across a kind person who wants to keep me safe.

 

[barefoot]

I’m in the UK too but see my therapist privately (hence why I have been able to keep seeing her longer term as we don’t have a finite number of sessions available from the get go as is often the case with NHS)

Sounds like things just worked out pretty well for you by chance then, with this new T. Excellent!

Great that you feel you’ve built a good therapeutic alliance with him and that you like him. Sounds like you’re really comfortable with him.

I understand that you still think of your old T and miss him. I’m sure you’ve made a good move to this new T though if you were getting caught up in feelings of trying to look after/protect your previous T. Sounds like you’ll now be able to focus much more on you and what you need and won’t have distractions around being concerned for him. And that sounds very useful!

 

[ladee]

I always liked having some personal info about my T's. It helped me to relate on a more human level.

And I was lucky that each of them had a good personal boundry with revealing things about themselves. I don't think I would have liked having a detached T, to the point that it would feel cold and uncaring.

 

[Emotional girl]

Yes unfortunately with the NHS you only get a certain number of sessions,I was lucky I suppose because my therapist pushed for me to have more sessions and we were together for over a year.
At the moment I am struggling with all these different emotions and I think if I had another therapist who I was attached to this would complicate things even more.I need to concentrate on my problems and trying to get my mental health more stable.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you @ladee ,I can see positives and negatives with both types of therapist.
I wouldn't say my new one is cold or uncaring he just has a different approach than the last one.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ahhhhh NOW I understand why people have so many therapist issues!

It actually never occurred to me that there even was a style of therapy where people knew all about their therapist. (And yes I have seen many therapists over the years.)

Of course I know snippets, but not much at all considering I’ve been seeing my therapist for 1.5 years.

Really, I don’t want to pay to know all about my therapist. Yes, this is a damn selfish relationship where it IS all about me, but again, that’s what I pay for. She’s not a friend. I don’t care about her problems, as they’re none of my concern.

 

[ladee]

I am happy to hear that you like him and feel there will be a theraputic relationship. One of the great things about so many different T's, hopefully there is one for everyone.

Wishing you a lot of success and healing with this new T. It matters a lot that you like him just the way he is. It does help in the long run. So, onward on the healing journey!!!

Hugs if you accept.