It's really normal for people with PTSD to push loved ones away. It's our way of protecting them because we think we're so screwed up no one could handle us/want to be with us/survive the experience intact. Just play things by ear and be good to yourself. Giving him space is exactly what you need to do - he needs the time and space to figure out what he really thinks instead of letting the PTSD do the talking.
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Relationship " I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You."
- Post starter sadiebabie
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Nicolette
Supporter Admin
If the above seems a little fragmented it is due to duplicate threads being created now merged into one. Sorry for any inconvenience. Thanks
I read your posts sadiebabie with empathy. The relationship with my partner was always undermined by my gut feeling of 'you love me but you aren't in love with me'. We occasionally (over 14 years) talked about it. He said that he did not have those feelings for anybody and hoped he never would have. He tried to explain that he showed he loved me in other ways, like cooking me a nice meal, running me a bath, taking me to see nice things etc. I did not understand until it was too late that this was his love. I becoming increasingly insecure and lost my self esteem. Sex was the next thing to suffer and after 2 years of feeling bad about myself. He left following an argument over a woman calling at our house for him several times and me telling her to X@XX off. He always denied having affairs but would not promise he would be exclusive to me. I always felt he was almost asking for 'permission' which I refused to give. When trying to discuss this we came to a full stop when he said 'it is my body I will do what I want with it'.
As yours is a newish relationship, I think clearing these basics up first can only help and understanding that that is his way of showing you love and celebrating it. I wish I could go back and understand what I know now that this was HIS real love. I have been left in a total meltdown but refuse to fall out with him. We still remain in contact but I feel very worthless. Wishing you better luck.
As yours is a newish relationship, I think clearing these basics up first can only help and understanding that that is his way of showing you love and celebrating it. I wish I could go back and understand what I know now that this was HIS real love. I have been left in a total meltdown but refuse to fall out with him. We still remain in contact but I feel very worthless. Wishing you better luck.
caliaviator
Silver Member
You know, my therapist recommended a book for me called the 5 love languages. It actually changed how I viewed relationships, and I think it made me realize that in order to be happy you need to speak in each other's love language. I'd check it out in addition to trying to working with your boyfriend with his PTSD. You never know, it might help you crack the barriers.
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- #17
sadiebabie
New Here
I'm making myself seek out therapy. As much as I hate to and I feel like a hypocrit for it, I am. I asked myself today at work as I went from person to person offering advice and words of encouragment for them and their family- "how can I be helping someone else when I'm a wreck myself?" I'm not trying to "get over this" but the state I am in now is healthy for no one.
The latest update to my sob story is my search for a new place to live. I'm avoiding his house like the plague for now and staying with my brother. His mother called today and informed me that he had called her and told her to go ahead and give me everything in his house- the bed, the dresser, the sofa, the tv's, the dishes. I don't understand it nor do I feel like I can accept it. It seems like maybe a form of an apology from him, but having all his stuff is still not having him. And how sad to come home to my new place and see all his stuff when the whole reason it was suppose to be there was because he was suppose to be living with me before and after deployment.
The latest update to my sob story is my search for a new place to live. I'm avoiding his house like the plague for now and staying with my brother. His mother called today and informed me that he had called her and told her to go ahead and give me everything in his house- the bed, the dresser, the sofa, the tv's, the dishes. I don't understand it nor do I feel like I can accept it. It seems like maybe a form of an apology from him, but having all his stuff is still not having him. And how sad to come home to my new place and see all his stuff when the whole reason it was suppose to be there was because he was suppose to be living with me before and after deployment.
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Nicolette
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While your loss is sad Sadiebabie the above passage shows you have strength, courage and are thinking in a way which can only make you healthier. Well done!
caliaviator
Silver Member
Sadiebabie
Each and every one of us is a wreck in our own way. Where we may have it made in some areas we are completely vulnerable in others. The only thing we can do is if we are strong in some areas that others are weak in we give support to them. Sure most of us have the same problem, but iron still sharpens iron regardless. I wouldn't give up, because when we do we let the world snuff out the thing that is worth keeping alive. It's an uphill battle for most of us, and thankfully we don't have to do it alone, and neither do you. We're beside you on this even though we're broken for the most part.
As for him giving you all his stuff, I don't want to worry you or anything but that kind of makes me uneasy. I would try to check up on him more often. Maybe I'm just being paranoid or something but doesn't hurt to check.
I'm pulling for you, and I think it's safe to say that the rest of us are too.
Each and every one of us is a wreck in our own way. Where we may have it made in some areas we are completely vulnerable in others. The only thing we can do is if we are strong in some areas that others are weak in we give support to them. Sure most of us have the same problem, but iron still sharpens iron regardless. I wouldn't give up, because when we do we let the world snuff out the thing that is worth keeping alive. It's an uphill battle for most of us, and thankfully we don't have to do it alone, and neither do you. We're beside you on this even though we're broken for the most part.
As for him giving you all his stuff, I don't want to worry you or anything but that kind of makes me uneasy. I would try to check up on him more often. Maybe I'm just being paranoid or something but doesn't hurt to check.
I'm pulling for you, and I think it's safe to say that the rest of us are too.
Linda Lee Bogard - King
Silver Member
My Viking warrior and I are both dealing with Chronic PTSD, there is a lot of turmoil; both of us really 'like, like' each other, both afraid to say the word 'love' directly to each other, detachment is a cover-up - I found myself clenching my fists when in the throes of passion ... afraid to hug my man when we are intimate. I have to tell myself 'open your hands and grab him.' We say things like, "I got to get away" every time we cross another threshold that brings us closer, and reveals another secret about us. Even recently, holding me he says, "I never want to leave you alone." Afraid to be hurt, though, we must take a chance or regret will dominate everything else that is good about us and I'm not willing to give us up because I fear my heart may be broken, once again.
Sadiebabie... I know this line all too well.
I have the "5 Love Languages" and agree with caliaviator that good communication is so important.
Since my boyfriend's (ex-boyfriend's) PTSD brought us to technically an end, I've been trying to work through the rest... him coming to me for help, still referring to himself in front of me as my 'boyfriend', acting like it when we are around each other. PTSD is very confusing, for sure, and I know for a fact he thinks the above of me. All I can say is DON'T CHANGE. In fact, I agree with seeking the therapy... use this time to make yourself EVEN BETTER.
I don't believe my guy is a bad person. I'm still working out kinks in our communication and am even considering just backing off a bit because I don't think I'm helping either of us by being SO available all the time... but Thank you, Caliaviator because I'm back and forth on telling him I want to be there for him working alongside him and my biggest fear is driving him further away by telling him this, but also by not telling him clearly, he could be looking for someone else and that is something I don't want to find out... no matter what I do for myself, that is truly crushing if I keep putting in time for him.
It's confusing but just don't change you, Sadiebabie (the girl he loved in the first place)... I truly believe living a life towards greatness can only inspire greatness from the ones we love and truly deeply love us in return. They have to go through their processes in order to realize that we are for real because it's possible - as you stated with the engagement prior to deployment and then him coming home to her with another guy (same thing for my guy) - that his trust is broken and it's much harder for him to fix this in a normal manner and so it is like a test in some ways.
I don't know the answer as well as the insight you are given by Mr. Smith and Caliaviator. I wish it was more cut and dry. All I know AND HOPE is that if we take care of ourselves, don't change ourselves, then we won't have any regrets if they end up NOT choosing us because we've become that much stronger... "The Mastery of Love" has really changed my life and helped me in the last few months to at least start healing any wounds (where my distrust comes into play) from the past so that I can look upon my 'now' situation with a fresh set of eyes and a clear heart.
Good Luck to you! I always hope for the very best!!! :)
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- #22
sadiebabie
New Here
Hey everyone! So my update... it's been coming up on about a week and a half now since boyfriend / ex-boyfriend / friend left for outf state. I had not heard from him until today and I don't know what to make of the call I did get.
His friend had left some rims out our house and needed to pick them up. He texted me asking if I could meet him today to get them. I told him I could, then he said he'd let me know because after he dropped his truck off he wasn't sure how he'd get home. Against my better judgment I told him I could bring him home. Mind you this is not my friend, but whatever, I'm a nice person. So met said friend at the house, got the tires loaded. Boyfriend / ex-boyfriend / friend's mom shows up and she I chit-chat (we've still been talking almost every day anyway). I tell her I got a call today for a summer internship in virginia. I laughed because it's on the same base boyfriend is on and will be til late June. I told her I thought it was quite ironic and weird but that it was what it was. I just didn't want it to seem like I was stalking him across the country.
So fast forward about 20 minutes (if that) and I'm now driving his friend back to his house. He makes a phone call. And before he can even get off the phone my phone goes off. It's boyfriend. His friend says that's who he was just calling and decides to answer my phone with his usual "What up f-er!?" Suddenly I hear "Who the f* is this?". Even after he tells him who it is, he wants an explanation for why he's answering my phone, in my car, etc. Boyfriend is not the jealous type at all but this seemed very jealous-like. Friend then hands the phone over to me and immediatly I hear "take it! I don't care take it!". Confused I asked what? He replied "the job, take it, I don't care. Don't let anything to do with me come in between you and your future." A bit startled and angry at his tone I responded "I am taking it and I wouldn't let anything to with you interfere with my life. Ever! "Good" he said.
So then we get on the discussion of where the confusion developed on this topic (his mother) and talk for the next ten minutes about little things in a much calmer manner. He tells me "when you get up here, at least you'll know someone. If you want to call me and talk, or hang out, maybe go to dinner." I end up being the one to end the phone conversation because it's awkward and we're running out of small topics, avoiding the obvious discussion. I told him if he wanted to call me later he could. He said "again, congratulations on the nomination." The end.
I'm just as confused now as I was a week ago. I almost wish he hadn't called but then I'm glad he did. I feel like it's over but there's hope. I don't know what to make of our conversation if anything. Anyone?
His friend had left some rims out our house and needed to pick them up. He texted me asking if I could meet him today to get them. I told him I could, then he said he'd let me know because after he dropped his truck off he wasn't sure how he'd get home. Against my better judgment I told him I could bring him home. Mind you this is not my friend, but whatever, I'm a nice person. So met said friend at the house, got the tires loaded. Boyfriend / ex-boyfriend / friend's mom shows up and she I chit-chat (we've still been talking almost every day anyway). I tell her I got a call today for a summer internship in virginia. I laughed because it's on the same base boyfriend is on and will be til late June. I told her I thought it was quite ironic and weird but that it was what it was. I just didn't want it to seem like I was stalking him across the country.
So fast forward about 20 minutes (if that) and I'm now driving his friend back to his house. He makes a phone call. And before he can even get off the phone my phone goes off. It's boyfriend. His friend says that's who he was just calling and decides to answer my phone with his usual "What up f-er!?" Suddenly I hear "Who the f* is this?". Even after he tells him who it is, he wants an explanation for why he's answering my phone, in my car, etc. Boyfriend is not the jealous type at all but this seemed very jealous-like. Friend then hands the phone over to me and immediatly I hear "take it! I don't care take it!". Confused I asked what? He replied "the job, take it, I don't care. Don't let anything to do with me come in between you and your future." A bit startled and angry at his tone I responded "I am taking it and I wouldn't let anything to with you interfere with my life. Ever! "Good" he said.
So then we get on the discussion of where the confusion developed on this topic (his mother) and talk for the next ten minutes about little things in a much calmer manner. He tells me "when you get up here, at least you'll know someone. If you want to call me and talk, or hang out, maybe go to dinner." I end up being the one to end the phone conversation because it's awkward and we're running out of small topics, avoiding the obvious discussion. I told him if he wanted to call me later he could. He said "again, congratulations on the nomination." The end.
I'm just as confused now as I was a week ago. I almost wish he hadn't called but then I'm glad he did. I feel like it's over but there's hope. I don't know what to make of our conversation if anything. Anyone?
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- #23
sadiebabie
New Here
The whole conversation seemed like one you'd have with an ex you haven't seen in years. Completely void of emotion. On my part it was fake. I wanted to say "have you changed your mind? why haven't you called? what are we?" but I didn't. I just don't know if it was fake for him too.
caliaviator
Silver Member
Something completely random set him off. The same thing would happen to me if I was in a long distance relationship and some random guy answers my girlfriend's phone. Once the trigger is pulled nothing is stopping that emotional bullet from coming out. He does sound jealous but a little bit of jealousy is healthy. He cares for you, and if he didn't he would of been pretty cool about it all initially. Then what I saw when he became emotionless is he's preventing more damage from taking place by shutting the emotions down.
I'd call him to let him know where you stood, and more importantly, where he stands. Because these things are confusing, and it does require stating the obvious if only to get that clarification. Remember, we need things to be simple, and to the point. Don't avoid the discussion, only more unanswered questions and mystery comes from that; which leaves room for lots of interpretation..sometimes bad ones.
I remember my ex didn't give me the cut and dry intentions and I ended up screwing up again, and completely ruined the chances of rebuilding a relationship. She didn't understand what I was going through, my condition, or what was going on through my head because I wasn't allowed to communicate about certain things, and she never communicated at all. That brought the relationship down, and I don't want either of you to go through the same thing.
The tough things need to be talked about; that's the only way both of you can overcome this and move forward.
I'd call him to let him know where you stood, and more importantly, where he stands. Because these things are confusing, and it does require stating the obvious if only to get that clarification. Remember, we need things to be simple, and to the point. Don't avoid the discussion, only more unanswered questions and mystery comes from that; which leaves room for lots of interpretation..sometimes bad ones.
I remember my ex didn't give me the cut and dry intentions and I ended up screwing up again, and completely ruined the chances of rebuilding a relationship. She didn't understand what I was going through, my condition, or what was going on through my head because I wasn't allowed to communicate about certain things, and she never communicated at all. That brought the relationship down, and I don't want either of you to go through the same thing.
The tough things need to be talked about; that's the only way both of you can overcome this and move forward.
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