Relationship " I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You."

[May1321]

I remember my ex didn't give me the cut and dry intentions

Caliaviator. I know this is Sadiebabie's (Thank you, Sadie for bringing up the topic :) ) thread but I can't tell you how helpful your insight from the other side has been in even my communication with my ex. :tup:

I've been working on just keeping my emotions minimal as I know they just increase his reactions and the pushing away. This is something I've been working on FOR ME over the last 3 months and it has been SOOOO helpful. I've also been fairly up front when something is bothering me to be direct and pin point it at that time and he has worked to watch himself as well - such as dishonesty. He has a tendancy to exagerate or leave out details which trigger (obviously) 'trust' in me and it has really improved in our communication. Finally, after reading your post, another situation sort of started to bubble up for me and I was very 'cut and dry' (as you describe) with him. He got upset but I didn't go to the elevation his emotions were and he calmed down. We hung up and 20 minutes later he called back and apologized.

The hard part, we haven't talked since. I know it is harder on me in some ways as he is used to shutting off and I am used to the 'caring' role in past relationships.... also I've learned as co-dependency. I have done a lot of reading and trying to understand the patterns of PTSD, but the communication I'm learning, if nothing else, I think is truly so helpful in ALL relationships. No one likes beating around the bush or walking on eggshells. I must be thankful for 'you guys' wanting it up front and to the point because I truly believe the truth can hurt but not as bad as regret.

Sadiebabie. I'd tell him how you feel sooner than later, but keep it simple and to the point. It's each different for all of us but if you are caring and cared for still by his family, then it wouldn't hurt to even just write it out so he knows. He deserves to know and it would be freeing for you to express your feelings so at least you can live a life without regret. The ball would then be in his court. You'd be able to 'let it go'. I don't know... my communication patterns may not be for everyone and I'm by no means an expert. I just would rather live without regret.

 

[caliaviator]

May- You're very welcome. If I help others where I had failed in the past then at least the pain I endured would be worth it. I agree that we need to control our emotions otherwise we would just add fuel to the fire. That part I'm still mastering but that is an extremely good point you brought up. As for wanting it all up front and to the point, you're very welcome :). When there are a bunch of unknowns I'm unsure of how to go about things. When I'm unsure anxiety builds up and I'm walking on eggshells. This really was bad for me because I felt a constant weight on me, and I was unable to let everything out in a healthy manner. It was a horrible feeling. My diet was affected, my normal routine was affected, and I just came crashing down and had a severe attack. Your ex is really fortunate that he has someone working on herself, though hopefully he is working on himself at the same time. I'm also glad he called and apologized and both of you were willing to listen. Listening and effective communication is a really big deal, and if we all learned to do both how much better would our relationships be?

Sadiebabie, I agree with May. Write out your feelings so you know what you'll say and then express them. Once the ball is in his court wait for him to return it. don't put ball after ball in his court, as that brings on too much pressure. Regret and "what ifs" tear through me like a hot knife through better, and I'm sure many people don't want to live with those. We'll be here when you need us!

 

[May1321]

Thank you, Caliaviator. :)