I Miss Sex

[Frogs88]

So, I was raped, more than once and by more than one guy. I haven't had sex in four years, in fact I flinch when people put their hand on my shoulder.

But, six months ago I started working with a guy who was extremely good looking and actually made me feel safe. Having a sexual thought, at work, when you haven't had one (just disconnected frustration) in four years is a little shocking but I went with it as a good sign. He moved away.

But here I am, knowing that it is not a good idea to start dating at the moment but I am missing sex, I miss that I used to be able to be intimate with another person without thinking too much about it. I miss that I used to let people touch me, that I used to enjoy that and not flinch away. I miss accepting physical comfort from people. I hate the idea that though I want a family life I don't know if i'm ever going to do it the 'natural' way. But really I just hate that something that is normal and fun for a lot of people I've had taken away from me.

 

[somerandomguy]

You are not alone.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I never had it. You are lucky you had it at one point.

 

[Frogs88]

Thanks somerandomguy. I know it's a hard thing to talk about and although I don't wish it on anybody it's good to know i'm not the only one who thinks this way.Solara, I don't think any of my sexual relationships were normal or respectful as I became used to abuse at a young age and thought that was normal. But, with growing older and gaining knowledge and also working in charities that help other people with this sort of thing I am now stronger and more confident with being alone than I ever was. And I think that this confidence with being alone is what will eventually lead me to a good relationship. I don't need anybody, I'm fine on my own. So when I do find somebody I'll be with them because I want to be with them, because though I am fine on my own I am better with them. And not because i'm lonly and I need somebody. Hopefully that day will come, but if it dousn't , well, I am fine on my own.

 

[mikehoncho]

You are definitely not alone. I have two thoughts on the subject:

On Getting Support:

I'd like to ask what support system(s) do you currently have in place? Friends, therapist, family, etc. Reaching out to people who can empathize and understand where you are coming from will be a big part of being comfortable and finding the right person. Obviously you are reaching out here in the forum which is great. But creating a support system of people close to you who you can keep coming back to is essential.

After my own traumas, I've found that the best formula for moving forward is to:

1. Exit the harmful environment.
2. Find people with whom you feel safe.

On Finding the Right Man:

Being a husband of a survivor, I can tell you that there are men out there who not only care but are willing to open their mind to becoming a part of your support system. And you seem to understand that not every man makes the cut. Even if a certain man would never hurt you in a million years, he must still be patient. He needs to know and understand that, if you are "not in the mood," it's a very serious deal. He must not pressure you no matter how painful it must be for him. Trust me; you saying no may suck for him but if he is truly a man he will not only understand but he will be eager to make sure you feel safe (even if it's a sexless evening). Your need for feeling safe comes first without any conditions.

Well done on taking this first step in reaching out on this. I can only imagine how your feelings of attraction conflict with your desire for safety. Reaching out as you are right now is something to be admired. Keep doing this.

May you get everything you hope for!!! Best Wishes!!!

 

[mikehoncho]

Looks like I posted twice, the first one was before I logged in. It seemed like it didn't go through so I wrote again. Opps. :)
<mod edit to say: fixed that for you>

 

[Frogs88]

Thanks for your understand words mikehoncho. I do have a small support system, my nan knows that I am having some mental health issues, she is assuming however that it is to do with my brother being schizophrenic (which I guess is a part of the CPTSD) I have a few friends who know I have PTSD but none of the trauma's except the brother thing, and they are the perfect type of supportive, they do not ask personal questions but they listen when I want to talk. Then there's my EMDR therapist who I get along well with. She has my full background but I don't like to go into detail and I don't go into detail. I am not at the point where I talk freely about it, that's not my way. I can write though. I wrote a novel about it and that's been very helpful, i can say it without saying it if that make sense.

 

[ArlenePTSD]

A year after my rape, I made up my mind that I was not going to let the rapist stop me from living my life. I went out on date after date. Many times, I would flinch in terror as my date reached over to kiss me. Most would not call back but I still kept dating men. Trusting men again was the most difficult part of the healing process. I would not know what to say, I would flinch when touched. I used strong will to keep on dating. I did not let the rapist have fear over me. Through time and exposure to healthy men, I was slowly able to stop flinching and stop reliving the nightmare with every male touch. I am now married to a terrific guy and I am raising 2 wonderful kids. Dating and recovering from rape was like torture. However, forcing myself to live my life has brought me so many blessings (the most special- a beautiful family).

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:18

 

[mikehoncho]

I'm glad you have people around you who care for you. I encourage you to keep looking for opportunities to share your secret. I know how scary this is. Just know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a survivor and you have reason to be proud.

I'm nothing but proud of my wife, she is a source of inspiration to me. From what little I know about you I'm also inspired by your story as well. The term "survivor" is truly the right word to describe you, not "victim."

I genuinely wish you the best of luck.