I Must Be A Horrible Wife

[Punky143]

When i question how my husband can stay with me, the quick and easy answer is "I don't know." Then I think about everything I've done wrong, and take it a bit further then need be. I think about everything I've done wrong ever. And then I start getting flasbacks, my disassociation increases, isolation increases and inevitably we end up mis-communicating are arguing. That only continues my symptoms and I'll have days of migraines and chronic body aches that make no sense. I see him trying in his own way but he doesn't know about the disassociation piece and that's ok.
To counter the argument. Good intentions but, wasn't taught the same morals as I was and prior to his parents dying, they bailed him out of everything. For 17 years that I've known him, he's been fired from most of his entry level jobs after going to college for 5 years (only got associates). In every case, he has asked me to lie and say he was let go. I've been ok to agree because its embarrassing but now at 39, in an apt. with a wife and child, its stupid and selfish. He says things to me that I'm unclear if there somewhat true or not. I'm his wife and its my job to make him happy that he shouldn't have to pay a stranger, I make him feel like an asshole, how can I go to sleep(aka not have s__), punched wall, tells me he thought about me all day and trust me I know he did. He has maybe one friend who's10 years younger. I found odd charges on the bank account. Turns out he had a subscription to an adult web cam internet account, for the 2nd time in a year.
Problem is he has no problem verbalizing his everything on me but I'm gone by the time he's done. And guess what? I get to deal with an arrogant shovanistic a-hole boss. What triggers me these days? Everything.

 

[Silver.]

If I can speak freely, I think the real question should be, How can you stay with him? You are not living in a mutual respective marriage, at all. You deserve better than this. Don't let having PTSD and a child stop you, I used that as a crutch and let my ex husband live on the couch for 5 years before I got the gumption to kick him out and file for divorce. 9 years of a wasted marriage, those last 5 years were some of the most wasted of my life.
It's about time you take care of YOU x

 

[Punky143]

I've was taught the feeling of guilt from a very young age and lived my entire life letting it influence most decisions. That was up until I entered counseling 9 years ago and 2x through dbt class that I learned how to see life a little differently. As I started learning new skills and moving forward, my husband oh maintained. Two years ago all hell broke loose, or at least in my world. I came across a texting relationship with a woman at work and was at a loss of words for 2 months while I read some of them and saw pictures. Once the elephant was out of the closet, he had asked for months prior and I never tried. He tells me he has no family and I'm all he has. He tells me how much he loves me, thinks about me, all the time, and just wants to do anything to make me happy. So when I get texts like throughout the day that usually triggers me for an unpredictable environment but maybe I'm wrong and I'm going to be hopeful but guarded. I get home thinking he's going to be happy and maybe have a suggestion to do something but like always I'm a fool. He acts scared of me. If I'm near him he bolts away apologizing and when asked why he scrambles for words then says I'm just giving u your space. I try to spark,any random conversation up but I get nothing and at that point I know in my mind which thanks ptsd, I'm f*cked. No he doesn't touch me. Its the mental. Even the silence. Or if no ones doing anything I'll clean and at end of night he'll say how disappointed he was because he never saw me. A part of mine tells me that I need to drive myself crazy and figure out if this is my husband or my dad but its my husband. Involving a child is of up most importance to me and right now is not the time and I can't say why but its sad.