I must be punished for my existence

[Midnightmoon]

It's trauma anniversary o clock which probably hasn't helped, but my fixation on denial of anything I consider 'too much' for my existence is getting a bit spirally.

Don't eat until you pass out, my brain goes see, you didn't need that food, shameful/ greedy/ stupid.

Denying pain relief- again, brain is satisfied because I didn't even need it anyway, just stop being pathetic.

Basic self care- screw it, look at you, what makes you think your special.

Now I've leapt into intentionally triggering myself over and over again and my brain screaming it's pathetic, you are a waste of space, and you will get over it and do it again, so I do. And again I trigger. It's like a weird dissociation where you know it's all going on but you can't stop any of it. Exhausting

 

[Sideways]

What would it mean if, actually, you are deserving of care and kindness, from both yourself and others?

And separately…

Why is it that these thoughts require you to act on them? What would happen (apart from being extremely uncomfortable) if you didn’t behave the thoughts, and instead, looked after yourself anyway?

Me personally, I needed to start with ‘self neutral’, rather than self care (or, shudder, self compassion!). I agreed to at least meet the basic needs of being human that I assumed applied to other people.

It’s very hard to change our mind about something when we behave as though that thing is true.

 

[Midnightmoon]

you are deserving of care and kindness, from both yourself and others?

Yeah, at the minute that's like telling me the moon is made of cheese... Feels so impossible, so obviously untrue

Why is it that these thoughts require you to act on them?

Guessing survivors guilt is playing it's part. I'm ashamed I'm here and they're not, I believe I shouldn't have survived... So I guess I act accordingly?

, I needed to start with ‘self neutral’,

I like this, definitely an easier goal to get to as a beginner option

 

[Sideways]

I like this, definitely an easier goal to get to as a beginner option

Whatever helps you be less cruel to yourself, right now, go with that.

Trauma anniversaries are rarely time to break new ground, and we very often have to compromise our usually standards for ourselves.

But doing less harm to yourself during this period is important. If you can aim for self neutral, go with that, and leave persuading yourself about deservedness for when you’re out the other side.

 

[arfie]

i'll second @Sideways 's notion that the heat of a trauma anniversary is not a good time for breaking new ground. i have been therapeutically addressing my trauma anniversaries for decades and STILL won't approach new ground during an anniversary psychosis. it might be safer for me to drive drunk. the good news is that all that therapy intervention in that many of my anniversary episodes have been reduced to blips on the radar. i still feel the psychosis, but they are far more manageable. ^it^ happened. suckus maximus. onward through the fog.

It's like a weird dissociation where you know it's all going on but you can't stop any of it. Exhausting

good description of the phenom. no doubt about the exhaustion of the phenom. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

Now I've leapt into intentionally triggering myself over and over again

i am wondering, just wondering, if you are intentionally triggering yourself or feeling the heightened awareness which comes with recovery progress. early into my recovery, when i was still wearing denial like a badge of being **over ^it^**, i acted out many of my symptoms without awareness that i was doing so. i am fine. how are you? as my recovery progressed, my awareness of the acting out grew proportionately, alongside my part in the process. the term, "trigger" was not fashionable back then, but? ? ? would i have called that, "self-triggering" had the term been in vogue? just wondering with no clear clues on the validity of the wonder.

 

[Friday]

I find it really curious you assign those things as being punished for your existence.

Mostly because I’ve done all of those things… for totally different reasons.

Not healthier reasons, just… different reasons.

 

[Midnightmoon]

if you are intentionally triggering yourself or feeling the heightened awareness which comes with recovery progress. early into my recovery, when i was still wearing denial like a badge of being **over ^it^**, i acted out many of my symptoms without awareness that i was doing so.

This made me smile in recognition. Quite possibly. I am doing the classic PTSD'er response of being ABSOLUTELY FINE THANKS whilst internally having a breakdown, because, heck, of course we're fine, we're always fine, right?! So yeah, I see things and suddenly in all it's glory I realise how I react, and how 'normal people react... And jump on the shame spiral.

you assign those things as being punished for your existence

I guess that's the message internally, you shouldn't exist, therefore the basics of human life you shouldn't be having (sleep, food etc) I may well have completely the wrong angle on it...

 

[Friday]

Don't eat until you pass out, my brain goes see, you didn't need that food, shameful/ greedy/ stupid.

Denying pain relief- again, brain is satisfied because I didn't even need it anyway, just stop being pathetic.

Basic self care- screw it, look at you, what makes you think your special.

I guess that's the message internally, you shouldn't exist, therefore the basics of human life you shouldn't be having (sleep, food etc) I may well have completely the wrong angle on it...

For ME?

It’s more of a challenge. CAN you do this? Better, harder, stronger, faster? Refine. Perfect. Seize.

 

[Midnightmoon]

more of a challenge. CAN you do this?

Yeah, very much recognise this too. The satisfaction of needing less and less and less. I have chronic malnutrition, my BMI is 13 ISH, there is no way I should be restricting food/ rest ect etc etc...and yet the buzz I get from achieving stupid stupid 'rules' must mean my brain is satisfied, and crave it more.

 

[Friday]

Yeah, very much recognise this too. The satisfaction of needing less and less and less. I have chronic malnutrition, my BMI is 13 ISH, there is no way I should be restricting food/ rest ect etc etc...and yet the buzz I get from achieving stupid stupid 'rules' must mean my brain is satisfied, and crave it more.

It. Is. A. LETHAL. Fawking. Illness… ED.

It’s more dangerous than suicidal ideation. It is the MOST dangerous of ALL mental illness, with the highest death toll. Freaky as that may seem. Still? True.

So learning to take pleasure from control/competition the “other” way? Can be all ninja sneaky. But still? Totally badass.

Feed your organs. Not “you”. Feed your body. Not “you”. Get STRONG. (All you, if you allow it, if you don’t “need” to be weak/helpless/dying, find the ninja that seeks strength). Your body & yourself? Are 2 separate things. You may abc-xyz, but? Your BODY? Teach it joy, and strength, and all the things. Seriously.