I Need Advice For My Girlfriend Who's A Sufferer

[Coletrain88]

Hi there

I'm looking for done advice my girlfriend has completely shut me out atm. She's saying I'm causing her ptsd atm. Iv spoken to her sister about it and she said it's all be caused by her exs abusing her emotionally. She' has 2 kids and she's saying I'm trying to take control of her life but I'm far from it but the stress of every thing that these guys have done to her has caused it. I'm so lost atm because I know she's the 1 girl I want I'm my life and and I just wanna help her be the chick I met! Wat can I do please help me I don't wanna loose her

 

[Justmehere]

You have to learn to let go and let her be not the "chick" you met, but the person she is now. You gotta stop trying to change her. Only she can do that in treatment.

The best thing you can do is give her the space she has asked for, respect that boundary, and talk to a therapist.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Think of it this way.....your ex is this great, fun-loving, warm, caring person....she always has been, and she always will be. HOWEVER, there is this PTSD monster that sometimes comes along and pushes aside all of those great characteristics. Unfortunately you've gotta take the good with the bad when it comes to PTSD. (I'm not saying that you should put up with anything abusive, rather you need to understand that many of her symptoms are caused by PTSD and they aren't going away anytime soon.)

I've often been told that there are two sides of me. (I am not a multiple, there is just "me") That is, there is the awesome me whom people really do love, and then there is the PTSD side of me. Those who really care are able to see that the PTSD isn't me, rather something I am battling. They know who I am at the core, and they know that great girl will always be there. I have a feeling that your great girl is still there, but she is in over her head right now.

I think it is best if you give her space. Let her know that you still care about her and that you want to support her in any way you can, even if that means not seeing her at this time. ASK her if it is ok if you can check in with her every so often, maybe every 3 days or so via text just to see how she is doing.

I think its important to realize that this relationship will likely be VERY different than any other relationship you've had in the past. You have to be willing to accept this or the relationship will have even more bumps along the way. That is, if you expect this to be like a non-PTSD relationship, that isn't happening.

Is she in treatment right now? Seeing a therapist?

 

[Friday]

There's this thing with PTSD... What to believe & what not to believe... That seems to be hard for a lot of people. When we "mean" what we say and when we're having a bit of a moment.

It seems, though, that you've taken the line of just ignoring everything she says as being a PTSD moment that should be ignored. That really concerns me.

You say you're not trying to take over her life, but you're also telling her how she "should" be raising her kids (when & where they should sleep, what their routines should be). That will slam a door shut as fast in dating a parent without PTSD as one with. There really is nothing more fundamental in a single parent's life (or even most parents lives, period. These are not easy decisions, and they are not made lightly), and at best that is a huge line to crash through. Again, PTSD or not. At worst it's demeaning, demoralizing, insulting, & dismissive.

You also say you're not the one causing her stress... But relationships themselves are stressful. A relationship where someone is trashing your parenting even more stressful.

We all have "our side of the street". What I'm seeing, and what concerns me, is that it appears that you're ignoring your side of the street to focus entirely on hers.

 

[Coletrain88]

What u guys have said iv realised straight away but I don't know how to get her to let me tell her that I'm a lot maturer than my times and I realise my mistakes easily but this time I don't want it to be the mistake of my life.

 

[Justmehere]

@Coletrain88 - How old are you? (You don't have to say if you don't want to.)

 

[Coletrain88]

26 turning 27 I run my own business been engaged to sum 1 I forced myself to stay with but this time I'm listening to my heart with this girl it told me straight away she's right for me straight away

 

[Justmehere]

Being away from someone you love can get hard in the best of circumstances. Everyone makes mistakes. I don't think you made the mistake of your life.

I also think you may be moving way too fast for someone with PTSD. We need slow...

What people are trying to show you is something you still don't quite see yet. Your communication style conveys a sense of forcefulness and desperation - out of care and fear and good intentions - but you still come across as forceful and controlling.

You can't "get" her to do anything. You say you realize this, but then you are still trying to convince her, show her, ect, your viewpoint, even of knowing you made mistakes.

If you want her back, you have to change YOU, not her. You don't have to change her mind. You have to change the way you act.

Step one is to stop trying to prove your viewpoint to her. Show her with your actions and words that you can respect her need for space and wait. And you will need to wait until she is ready. She can't hear you right now. So even if you did try to talk to her, my guess is that she would be instantly overwhelmed with your need to have her understand you. Right now, you have to let go of that. This is a very hard skill that many very mature and healthy people really struggle with. It's very hard. That's why I tell every supporter to get their own counseling support.

 

[Coletrain88]

Yeah I really do understand what u r saying I'm just finding it real hard to think of what we were talking about 2 to 3 weeks ago to her completely shutting me out I understand her triggers I just need to take a step back and breathe for abit which really hard coz I miss her. Is there any tips for me to show her eventually that iv been away and looked at my life and changed I am seeing therapist have done for a while. Some one told me the heart will tell u if she's the 1 for u and it has that's y I'm guttered.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: how are things going?

 

[Coletrain88]

Iv been giving her space but she doesn't wanna know me from what I gather it's heart breaking coz 3 weeks ago she was talking about where we could have out wedding. I don't wanna give up on her but I don't know what else I can do for her. It's thrown my world upside down I'm seeing a councellor but I just keep blaming myself for it. I should done this and that differnt. Any tips ?

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things. Keep working on you, keep respecting what she says she needs right now, and maybe someday a door will open where you can talk with her again. Chances are, she's hurting too of she was talking about a wedding a few weeks ago. Give her time and space to heal too. Then if this relationship was ever going to work out, she will reach out to you. If not, then you will find a girl who won't drop you so fast and so hard.