I Need Some Opinions In This Difficult Time!! Please!!!

[Stickler]

He calls you to make you feel bad...yeaaah. Because screaming at you is really going to keep you faithful if you were minded to cheat? No.
If you are a cheater, you're gonna, if you aren't you aren't.
Screaming would only make a potential cheater go out and cheat faster, right?
Anyway...
As partners, it's our job to build each other up, correct?

He seems to spend his time trying to tear you down.
I think he has the potential to become a batterer. Do you?

 

[Hicktownchic87]

He calls you to make you feel bad...yeaaah. Because screaming at you is really going to keep you faithf...

I've never cheated on anyone I've been with, but I've been cheated on and I know how it feels and I would never put someone else through that. Yes it would make someone go out and cheat faster but no matter how bad things get I'll always be faithful. Plus I don't even go out and do anything really. I mostly work, eat and sleep. I've talked to one of his ex girlfriends and she said he was controlling with her and did a lot of the same stuff to her. He's never got physical with me but he had beat her up pretty good when they broke up. He also throws in my face about how he helped me financially. Back in Jan 2015 He finally got settlement from his accident in 2009. He paid off most of my debts and now he try's to use that against me all the time as well. I tried to throw him out and break up with him more than once. He wouldn't leave and say's that he will leave on his time. I honestly cant even say that I still love him cause of all the b.s. he's put me through. He swears up and down all the time he's going to change, but I don't know cause it seems like a repeat pattern. Another thing he does is reminds me of my past and I've told just leave my past alone. He knows about what I've been through and if I want to talk about it I will when I'm ready but he seems to bring it up on a daily basis. When he was in his car accident he legally died 3 times that night. He never knew Brandon and he claims that when he died, He saw Brandon up there and was talking to him. I don't understand that and it really upsets me when he say's it.

 

[Hicktownchic87]

I hope one day it's just the good memories. I have a different type of trauma and didn't think of your flas...

Yeah and every time I have the flashbacks it's seems that only the bad it what sticks in my head for days and days. I pray to God every night wondering why... I end up during the day getting that depressed, I sit and go through all the news paper clips from the night he died and I've caught myself typing letters to him as if he was still here. I've never figured out if that comes with the ptsd or not. I'm actually going tomorrow morning to talk with the pastor of my church about all this. I'm very glad that I've found this site and Thankful to know there are people that out there going through similar situations that are willing to help. And understand what I'm dealing with.

 

[MCCS]

Yeah and every time I have the flashbacks it's seems that only the bad it what sticks in my head...

That's completely understandable. When I have a flashback it is the bad that sticks with me as well. I hope you know that writing letters is a type of Journaling and is actually healthy, getting your thoughts out on paper helps clear your head a bit. Even if you just jot down your feelings or what you're thinking it's good for you.

I hate to say it but the more you express what you're going through with the guy you're dating the more it reminds me of my emotionally abusive ex bf. I would constantly break up with him but he would always come back, apologizing saying he'd change, things would change. They never did, he wasn't working on healing from his past. He was controlling, manipulative and put me down verbally. It was so difficult for me to see that our relationship was unhealthy. One day when we weren't verbally fighting I told him I'm done, I had had enough. He finally packed up and moved out. We still "dated" for 2 more months then ended things. Slowly I realized how much we triggered one another and how a relationship shouldn't be so negative all the time. I was in a relationship with him for 2 years, I couldn't trust him since he hid a lot of things from me which came to light by accident over the years. I hope you do what's best for you, self care isn't selfish.

 

[Hicktownchic87]

That's completely understandable. When I have a flashback it is the bad that sticks with me as well. I hope...

Sounds just like what I'm going through with him, I just talked to him on the phone and I told him what's been going on and all he said is so what does this mean for us? I told him I don't know at this point and I need time to talk to my pastor about all this and he didn't say anything at that point. He keeps telling me all he needs is one more chance, but I don't know cause part of my mind is telling me the damage is to far gone to fix it and the other part of my mind is telling no give him one more chance. I don't know if I'm in love anymore with him. It's like my mind is telling me that I am still in love but my heart is saying I'm not.

 

[Justmehere]

There are so many red flags in this relationship....

He's never got physical with me but he had beat her up pretty good when they broke up.

So he has a proven history of domestic violence. He has assaulted at least one woman he was with when he didn't get what he wanted. That's a criminal act. Right there. Of violence. Against someone who was trying to get away from him.

Furthermore, he has shown no signs of repentance and has not sought out the treatment he needs to change that kind of serious behavior.

He also throws in my face about how he helped me financially. Back in Jan 2015 He finally got settlement from his accident in 2009. He paid off most of my debts and now he try's to use that against me all the time as well.

He is trying to guilt you, manipulate you into feeling bad, and get you to let him stay. This is what abusers do. Very common.

I tried to throw him out and break up with him more than once. He wouldn't leave and say's that he will leave on his time.

If you tell him to leave, and he does not leave, that is criminal trespassing. There are only a few exceptions like being on the lease, and even then, he should not even be trying to take away you ability to break up with him and it's a HUGE red flag that be behaves in this way.

He swears up and down all the time he's going to change, but I don't know cause it seems like a repeat pattern.

Abusers do this all the time. "I will change, really..." And then they find ways to try to hook you further into the relationship and feel worse about yourself like this:

Another thing he does is reminds me of my past and I've told just leave my past alone. He knows about what I've been through and if I want to talk about it I will when I'm ready but he seems to bring it up on a daily basis. When he was in his car accident he legally died 3 times that night. He never knew Brandon and he claims that when he died, He saw Brandon up there and was talking to him. I don't understand that and it really upsets me when he say's it.

I know it's been awhile since you have been in counseling. It would be very worthwhile to contact your local women's shelter or safehouse. They often have free counseling groups and support for women in potentially dangerous relationships and/or who have survived past domestic violence.

Whatever he has done for you, you still get to say no to him and not have to endure behaviors that bring up very reasonable fears of him for you. The fear that you do have of him, that's a warning sign. That's your brain sensing real danger. Listen to it. Don't let it overcome you, but listen to what your body and brain is trying to tell you about this guy. You don't owe him anything. You are a person of great value and worth and you deserve someone who helps you feel SAFE, and cherished, and respected, and loved. That's what having a partner in life is about. Not someone who tries to manipulate and control and demand his way in the relationship, and acts in a manner that leads you to feel so bad and so scared.

I'm really glad you are going to go talk to your pastor about it. Keep reaching out for outside input. Just because we love someone doesn't mean it's good to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes walking away from an unhealthy relationship can be the most loving thing someone can do.

 

[Hicktownchic87]

There are so many red flags in this relationship....


So he has a proven history of domestic violenc...

There has been many red flags and even with him in jail he's still trying to keep that control and I'm standing my ground now. I just feel so empty and after my marriage I kinda put barriers up and wouldn't let myself get close to another guy. I dated a few guys between my ex husband and him but never left myself get close enough to get hurt. It's like I built walls around my heart. An than this one time I give into love again and it turns out the same way. I'm a very anti social person, unless it involves children. I love helping them and doing things to make them happy. But going out to try to meet different people I cant do it. I freeze up. I'm a backwoods gal. I'm not your normal gal. I go hunting, fishing, four wheeling and do things that guys would do. I'm not a girly girl and when I'm out I'm dressed in t-shirts, wrangler jeans, and cowboy boots. Sometimes I just wear greasy work clothes out. It's who I am and most people round where I live look down on gals like me. So it's hard cause so many people judge you by what you look like and not by who you are on the inside.

 

[Justmehere]

You sound like you would be a great catch for a great guy. There are people out there who like someone who is into all the kind of things you are into.

This guy just turned out to be a real jerk. My heart goes out to you. :hug:

There has been many red flags and even with him in jail he's still trying to keep that control and I'm standing my ground now. I just feel so empty and after my marriage I kinda put barriers up and wouldn't let myself get close to another guy. I dated a few guys between my ex husband and him but never left myself get close enough to get hurt. It's like I built walls around my heart. An than this one time I give into love again and it turns out the same way.

This could be something that is called a trauma reenactment. It happens sometimes that when people go through one traumatic relationship, they somehow find themselves in another one where it all ends up the same, no matter how hard they try to avoid it. It's not a well understood phenomenon, it is really common though, and it's not your fault.

The most common theory about why this can happen is the the survivor is subconsciously trying to resolve what was unresolved from the previous trauma. Trying to be with the same kind of person, even if they don't realize it, and see if somehow there can be a different ending this time. It's just a theory.

One thing they do know is that by working through the original trauma in therapy and/or other forms of support, people usually then can end up in great relationships with really healthy people.

I really shut down after I was in an abusive relationship. Then I finally dared to let someone in close enough and bam, it was like the same crap happening again. It's hard for me to be close to people, but I'm now working through the old stuff and it's like my heart is coming alive again... I'll never really be into all the normal stuff many people are into, and it's scary the walls are melting.

I'm glad you are holding your ground with him, and reaching out for support. :hug:

 

[Hicktownchic87]

You sound like you would be a great catch for a great guy. There are people out there who like someon...

Thank You for all your help I'm very grateful to have people here I can talk to and open up to. It's just been one rocky road after another. I'm taking all this information in and just opening up and talking to all of you on here is helping me understand a lot and I think after I talk to my pastor tomorrow, I'm going to have a lot to think about and where I want to go at this point with my relationship with him and whether I want to continue this with him or just give it a break for now and see where things go later or just move on and put all this behind me. I Thank You all again for the support and I will update everyone tomorrow on how it goes with my pastor.

 

[Stickler]

You do sound pretty awesome.
Your guy? Not so much.

...I guess I'm doing a typical thing tho, focusing on perceived immediate threat.

I have read that you never get over losing people precisely. Grief unexpectedly just pops up from nowhere, in intense little storms. This is what I've found myself.
I ride the wave, feel the sorrow, let it pass. My beloved ones are worth the mourning of loss, simply to have had them for a time.
:hug:

 

[Hicktownchic87]

Well here's the update: I spent nearly 2hrs this morning talking with my pastor, I opened up to him about everything that's been going on with my ptsd and my relationship. He wants me to try and open up and let God handle all the stress. He wants me to try this for a month and meet back with me. He said if it's still pretty bad than he's going to help get me into counseling. If it seems to be working with prayer and the support of the Church then we will keep it going this way. I talked to him about how I'm opening up on here with everything and he said that is also a good way to get support and He wanted me to Thank everyone on here for helping support me through this. Now the whole thing with my relationship, his wife is a director of a treatment center and she's willing to work with him as long as it may take. She's even going to try and get one her people over to the jail and do a evaluation on him. My Pastor told me not to worry about him at this point and let God take care of him. If we need any financial support for his treatment, my Pastor is willing to raise money through the Church to help with that. After I left I was thinking everything through on my way home about taking care of myself emotionally right now and with everything my Pastor talked about I've decided the best thing right now is to take a break from the relationship, so I can fully focus on my self. I have also talked to him since then and Informed him on what I want to do and need to do for my self. He was disappointed that I wanted to take a break but he seemed to understand why I need it. He also understands that I'm leaving this all in Gods hands and if God wants us to be together he will help both of us come back together for the best and not the worst like it's been. Sorry for this being so long, But with All your support and with My Pastor. I know I can make it through this one day at a time. Thank You All For Being Here....

 

[Justmehere]

I'm proud of you for considering different options, getting outside advice, and making the choice that is right for you.

Keep taking it one day at a time. :hug: