I Need To Purge A Memory But Can't

[Zuwi]

I have an awful memory that is so stuck and distressing but I can't make myself tell my therapist. How do you muster the courage to tell these things and get relief? It is consuming my thoughts and I can't shake it. I hate feeling this way. It consumes me.... Help.

 

[Talu]

Ah I know the feeling. My own personal feelings are that one shouldn't divulge such information until one feels safe - therapist or non therapist.
You know when you know when it's safe enough to say.
I've had bad experience of talking when it wasn't safe - it can make things worse.
I'm sure many will disagree with me but one thing I have learned is to trust my gut

 

[Tewadi]

I don't divulge unless there's a bigger reason.

Why do you think divulging will bring you relief?

 

[Zuwi]

I feel like divulging will purge my shame. It is so shameful and I have varying degrees of questions that surround my abuse and perceptions that I want to be able to air out.
I believed for so long that because I am female and some part of my abuse involved females that made me bisexual or gay. Then, I was on a mission to prove to myself that I am not so I engaged in relationships with guys so that I felt better. The result was years of really bad, bad relationships with really inappropriate men. Sometimes at a young age it was with age in appropriate men...much older and more manipulative type relationships. I even married a man much older than me and ***I think*** it is because of all of this but I would like to know. I don't know that I am capable of figuring it all out on my own and I am just ready, READY to find some peace and I don't think I can until I just spew it out and get it all out.
Although trusting people has been a difficult thing for me, I really do trust y therapist. This is probably the FIRST person EVER I have trusted fully. But!!!! I still have a fear that he will hear what I have to say and dump me bc what I have done is so ugly. Ugh......

 

[Ciloc]

If you need to share it, if speaking the words aloud will help set it free from your mind, say it aloud. Talk to yourself, imagine you're telling the story to someone else, whatever helps you.

It may sound silly, but some of my breakthroughs have come from saying things out loud when I was afraid to for years... because saying it might mean that it really happened.

So... Monologue. Talk to youself when you know nobody else can hear it. Whisper it. Scream it. Whatever you need... And once you're comfortable saying the words, perhaps you'll want to say them to the therapist... or you might not need to. Could go either way. :)

As far as the memories and shame - abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter who did it, the body can react in ways that are sexual to abuse that will mentally damage you more than the physical. You're stepping through digramming what happened above:
Abuse from females -> inappriate relationships with males -> wow, maybe all relationships are tough and I don't know what's healthy for me -> I need help, can I talk to my therapist? Is he even safe?

Good luck, I hope you can find what you need.

 

[Hopa]

Zuwi, I know what you're talking about. BTDT. Just do it. Just search for a counselor, and ask about their experience and credentials. But don't just ask, actually make the calls to verify their creds.