I Now Know Why I Made That Split Second Snap Decision At That Precise Moment.

[Deleted member 20280]

Just to clarify this thread relates to the horrific flashback I suffered in the below thread,

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/caught-in-the-cross-hairs.45226/

During this trauma memory I came to a junction in the road, I had to make a snap decision, left or right. I chose right rather than left, During the ten minutes that I did not post in this thread, quote as follows,

FOCUS LAURIE..... FOCUS and BREATH.

I stop pretend to look in the jewellers window. Sobbing my heat out behind mirrored glasses with my cap down over my eyes.

He has passed me, I have averted confrontation.

"Laurie are you ok" appears on the screen of my phone "5x5" has answered me. I can ground now. I can do this I just need to focus.

Ten minutes later and I am back in 2014 and the date is June 11th its 1021hrs UK time and I am in the UK. And I am wearing beige cargo trousers with a red and blue Gingham shirt wearing a pair of mirrored sunglasses and my BB CAP. Thank-you my "5x5" you really have no idea how much I needed your help today.

At this critical point whilst I was being helped to ground by the forum member mentioned. I came to the top of the road that leads to the river, my natural progression would be to keep on the same pavement and take the fork at the junction to the left, that moment my decision was clear, keep on going the way I was and I would be taking myself deep and straight back to living and wallowing in my past, I would be in forever turmoil mentally having never faced this decision in the cold light of day.

My alternative, a huge step for me mentally was to cross over this road and progess down the right hand side towards the river. This proved, as I have seen tonight in my memory flashback of this thread as linked to be the most crucial and life changing moment so far in my own personal recovery journey through the dark days after PTSD diagnosis.

You see the left hand journey would have taken me straight back to my childhood house and my trauma's, I would be taking myself around in a circle, the issue's I had identified from my history repeating over and over again to me mentally.

My journey to the right hand would take me away from my mothers house, problem being if I go left there is an emotional darkness shrouding me and this will become obpressive with mentally devestating effects as my singular desire now is to recover and puch forward for a positive and meaningful future for myself. THe path to the right takes me away from my traumatic history, problem here is I have to wade through issues as yet to be identied in therapy.

Mentally this journey will see me wading through a sea of human blood, scattered with the dead and dismembered remains of every man woman and child killed in conflict of war that I played a part in, however minor that part in fact was. This would be the more arduous path and most difficult path to take for any Combat Veteran or civilian sufferer to take.

Your trauma history is yours and mine is mine, we own them and we must accept them as ours. I accept my trauma history as mine and will not try and compare my issues with those of a single sufferer, Military or Civilian alike. We are all sufferers at the end of the day.

That moment came in what I now know to be a life changing nano-second. I believe that this moment has taken me further in recovery than any other moment in my life.

I have had a particularly rough past 13 months since the day I had this very public flashback.

I now see and realise that this as I have said already and apologise for repeating is the most important moment of my life to date, this is the exact moment my inner self decided never to let my abusers hurt my younger self, I have promised my *Little_Laurie* that I will never allow anyone to punish him, abuse or rape him.

I see now that by making the decision I did on that day I have in fact kept my promise to my younger self.

Little_laurie is safe now and he is with me in spirit and soul every moment of my life, I have not let mysel down and I have not let him down.

I have struggled to thread this moment as I have been questioning myself whilst still inside the flashback whether I have in fact made the rigth decision for us both.

Well voice of doubt, My time to speak,

Little_Laurie and I made this decision together not seperatly, one did not want to go one way and the other the different route, we decided to stick together as promised no matter what so yes, we feel we have made the right decision for us.

 

[hodge]

Yes, stick together with your Little Laurie. It sounds like you are doing the best you can at the moment.

 

[SnowJo]

I cried tears of happiness for both Mar Lauries! Yesss! hoooray!!! I am so veyr very glad you made thaty decision too!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Just to let people know how this flashback episode is transpiring. I grounded with the assistance of others and have spent the time since posting this thread processing the incident for my journal. I have left the flat to go to work and have flown straight back to outer space whilst thinking that I was in my comfort zone and had successfully grounded earlier. I must admit that I did think at the time I grounded that this was an easy flashback to come out of for me as I usually have to isolate for a minimum 2 days after each one and I tend to sleep for an extended period as the military episodes usually do, especially those surrounding this trauma in particular.

The trauma referred to in the linked thread is the one trauma in my life I cannot get past to an answer at all. This is the trauma I see total blackness throughout regarding trauma history. It is also the single trauma I need to process in military therapy within the Warrior programme. During my therapy with them I dissociated like usual and proceeded to self harm by stripping the skin direct from my upper and lower left arm, resulting in nasty injuries that left me unable to move that arm properly.

Uh listen Laurie mate, I hear my inner voice call out to me, "No!" you have not come down yet, you have been in your usual state of equilibrium, why are you not curled up in a urine soaked ball in the flat ? Why have you not cried yet like a little girl?. You cannot get past this without dissociating like usual, I will not let you do this, you are mine to control and I will drag you back to the past, whether you want to or not, you are dillusional, now return or I can make this hurt you more than you realise.

I have one thing to say to my other me, the one that likes to control me and hurt me, this is the me many on this forum know my third self as "Him" or the "Bastard_Laurie", I will be totally honest with myself, I am very very scared of ignoring my inner Bastard and pushing myself forward regardless with my determination not to let Little_Laurie down. He was let down badly all his childhood and this part of me being exposed today has affirmed my resolve to push on, regardless of the perils of war.

I have had total control over that side of me for a long time now. To assure concerned members however, Little_Laurie is safe today whilst I deal with "Him" and any fallout I will be facing from this.

I am adamant that I am not going to back-down, my and my inner child's future's mean too much to me now after this episode. Little_me will stay with the mate who was with me at the time, I told little to go stand with this mate whilst I wrote the initial entry to this matter, he did exactly that and I now remember glancing across to my left and can vividly see me him standing there like a little cherub, concern on his face for me but that little glint in his eyes that keeps me going and that :giggle: of his is my goal in life as we are safe with each other now, little and me are the happiest we have been together our entire lives. This mate is awaiting psychiatric assessment to civilian related PTSD himself and I would like to take this moment to thank him immensely for being there at the time I flashed-over, without him and others here I would be in a very bad state, he helped me ground in a totally Alien way for myself.

I have considered committing myself to a stay in Hospital for my own safety and that of others. I am firm in my urge to keep pressing on with recovery but now that I have this guy's support I am confident that I am in safe and caring hands, this is the first time in two years that I have felt this confident in these circumstances.

My mate who was with me last night is not going to leave me in just my own company and now I am at work with Dean and Adam I am safe in company of others. They have gone to get the Electric so I am in company and safe and Little is with my mate in town and safe.

Time for honesty Laurie, I have clearly had a brand new type of Episode for me and need time to process properly and safely, I also feel very strongly that I need to develop a new self grounding in case this happens again. I assure any concerned member that I will be not placing myself into Isolation and will be with good friends the whole time until this episode is fully resolved and I am totally grounded.

I am extremely greatful of all the loving support Little_Laurie and I have and continue to receive here on the forum. Without that support I would be in danger of a full regression again like I have every time in the past, each time I have been in this kind of state I have been very suicidally Ideated but unlike my past I am determined that I will, with the support of you all and my recently aquainted friends actually be able to get through the next few days safely.

Thankyou all again

Laurie

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Well my mate and I have planned to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening together as I show him how to construct a website, His GF is at work at the Indian Restaurant. Baby H is with her Nanny and Grandad for the weekend until monday. My mate was with another flat's tenant for an hour chilling whilst babies mum and I were sitting with baby H for that hour. Approx 20 minutes later mum started to feel really tired and Baby H was cuddling with me on the sofa, This single act of innocent affection has touched me immensly as a result of the care I am being shown by this family.

** The cuddles and dancing myself and H were doing is truly reminicent of my own daughter Hannah and I enjoying the same friday afternoon, father and child time to be a family, ** I state this for this reason alone, this moment of true goodness in today, as will become apparent has reinstated my faith in human kindness and care for one another.

Upstairs neighbour K and her son are feeling the effects of this now too, their toilet is full of fumes and she had called the maintenance man as stated above. We are being told to leave the building by maintenance now as the smell is so pungent in H's bedroom toilet en-suite, it is beginning to make both he and I very drowsy, I myself have a sensation of burning to the rear of my throat, T is the same, we are dizzy and incoherent and I feel like I am going to faint.

Fire Brigade called by myself and en-route as there is perceived to be an Immediate threat to Life and limb.


T and I have packed some clothes for G as if they are required to remain absent for the night I am more than happy for them to stay with myself in my flat down the road, as H is safe with family in another part of town for the weekend. This will afford me the opportunity to repay this couple's hopsitaly and clear affection / genuine friendship and much needed support I desperatelly needed this weekend. Without this family I would be, as previously stated, an Inpatient some 57 miles away in the secure mental unit, (I am banned from our Local MHU as I am deemed too much of a violence risk to staff and patients because of my EPD diagnosis).

We are advised to leave the area for a little while whilst the fumes discipate before we can re-enter the building. We can walk but are vacant and appear drowsy in manner. Fire officer is very concerned for my own health as I was showing them the source of the smell within the flat.

They and I leave the room feeling drowsy and T and I vacate the building as stated, He and I are now some 500 yards from the property and my head is clearing, T is not so drowsy and I have started to stop stammering, We feel dizzy as the Oxygen content of the air here is clearly more than within the building, as we progress towards my property I am becoming more clear headed, We are talking properly now as well and will remain here for a few hours.

We return to the street and Fire Officer approaches us as his crew are now feeling the effects of the fumes, They have entered the shop premises and there is no obvious source within the shop for this incident. The acrid smell and fumes is however getting stronger so they are ventilating the entire building as a precaution.

Basically they have handed this matter to the Police to Investigate the possibility that this is a malicious attack by persons as yet unknown this is unconfirmed by all parties involved and if correct will need confirming by Police at a later date.

The rest of the building occupants are under advise only to vacate, whereas we are informed, that their flat is unsafe to remain occupied for tonight at minimum. These friends are more than welcome to remain as my flat guests for the weekend if this becomes necessary as I am not prepared to see them sleeping on the streets even for one night, I spent a week doing this 2 years ago and know first hand how demoralising a feeling being homeless really and truly is.

T and I are going to see another mate for a few hours to chill down whilst G finishes her shift at the restaurant. We will leave this matter now for the time being in the capable hands of the local Police and Fire Brigade.

 

[SnowJo]

Just to let people know how this flashback episode is transpiring. I grounded with the assistance of...

Have you internalized your abuser. . Can you put them in a snowglobe with thick glass and just see them as unable to reach you now, as you live in the present. So you still need to navigate how to handle the emotions but from a place of safety, here now with the abusers safely blocked under a snow globe. Lots of small steps in self care. (Sensory modulation) I have developed my list of things to sooth... still get very wobbly when I feel under emotional fire from present relationships but I am like you trying to refuse to simply lapse into being a victim of the past and the thick glass wall of the snow globe locks my abuser away from me now.... hope it helps... hate to hear you suffering :(... :hugs:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I love the snowglobe idea @SnowJo. Try it @Mr Laurie, big hugs :hug: