I really lost my temper today and I am not proud of it.

[Lost in the Woods]

I really lost it today with an A-hole. I just had the floors redone in my home and I am buying a lot of new furniture. Yesterday and today were supposed to be delivery days. Only one of the scheduled deliveries happened yesterday while I waited all day for no shows. At 6:00am this morning I get a text that the couch will be delivered between 7:00 and 11:00am. It never showed up. I get a call from the driver delivering the new bookshelves. I fully paid for them but I was supposed to pay the driver. When he called he demanded cash but I could not leave the house to go to the atm. He got really aggressive saying if I didn’t have cash he would not deliver. I don’t like being bullied so I let go and I chewed him out using every four letter word in my vocabulary, many more than once. The I called the furniture company and they said of course I could pay the delivery fee with a credit card. But it was too late, the driver had left. I ended up cancelling the entire purchase and disputing the payments I already made.

I hate conflict. I do everything I can to avoid it but sometimes it happens. If things have built up because of my stuffing frustration it can erupt in a verbal tirade. Fortunately never violent, but I hate this part of myself. Two days of no shows really primed me and the delivery guy just bullied the wrong guy on the wrong day. I am ashamed of my inability to deal with problematic people. I just don’t do conflict well. Is this a PTSD thing? I really avoid many things in life because of my aversion to possible conflict.

 

[Rose White]

My suspicion is that it’s a PTSD and not a PTSD thing. Teasing that apart would be therapy work. Just my two cents.

 

[Ecdysis]

Honestly, I think a lot of people would've lost it like that. I know I would have.

To put it into context: You did not hit the guy, you did not threaten him with a gun, you did not call in a bomb threat on the company,etc. etc....

I'm saying that to indicate that while you may find your response "terrible", I don't think it is in the larger context.

Maybe it's a PTSD thing to feel like you're not allowed to get angry, not allowed to set boundaries, not allowed to defend yourself... else something awful will happen?

 

[parrotthepolly]

Some people don't get the idea in their heads until you show enough aggression to make them afraid enough to remember it and not let it happen again.

 

[user27357]

right there with you on the whole thing, the slow burn, the additional bad behaviour including the undue threats of retaliation, full on had enough response to all of the above and then the finality of full withdrawal and personal introspection about the whole arc.

I found a really neat little bundle i can put most of this in when it starts happening. I remind myself of the times i handled stuff like what you went through more successfully with much the same outcome but not so much personal introspection and guilt. I remember the last time i got angry with wal mart for selling me absolute crap and in the return process found out that they were planning to hang it back on the rack for someone else to purchase until someone just accepted the crap they were selling.
I looked down at my feet and saw that i was standing in a wal mart and vowed that i would never do that again and i havent. I wished the counter help a merry christmas just in case we didnt see each other again (it was summer time) and left.
it was a successful solution to the problem and a calm retreat, intact except for the lost time.
Since then i have wished many people a merry christmas ( just in case i never set foot in your f’n establishment again you POS) and left calmly, glad to be intact and wiser for the loss of time, never to be repeated.
Except for the times i havent. right there with you. it doesnt feel good. I push 280 these days, over 6 foot tall, when i raise my voice and share my displeasure people go into their fight flight posture pretty quickly and it sucks, accomplishes nothing. Merry christmas in case i dont see you again ( you miserable excuse for an employee of what feels like a near to scam level business model) and a quick retreat before they realise they just got the final kiss off is my desired response to poor behaviour and it feels a lot better afterward.
I wish it was as easily reached for as the anger that is already at hand in most cases

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Not sure where you’re located but this has become a common acceptable fact for trades and deliveries where I am. They give you a window, expect you to rearrange whatever day you may have with zero regard for your own life-demands. Or ever your livelihood. Then, they don’t show. Say oops, we got busy and reschedule you. Making you lose more of your own potential salary (or sanity) in the process.

I for one am glad you gave them a piece of your mind AND cancelled the order entirely. Sometimes that’s the only way they can learn to treat their customers with more respect.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Sorry for the slow response, I had a severe medication reaction and spent the night in the ER. I live in a small town 50 miles from the interstate highway. No one wants to deliver here because of the distance and skinny streets. They gave me a week window for the delivery and insisted I do it that morning. They told me they only deliver here on Tuesdays and now they want to charge me for storing it. The furniture company won’t cancel the order without paying them a return fee. I did manage to dispute the book shelf order but the couch is still in limbo. The lesson learned is that I now know most delivery companies won’t deliver here so the furniture companies have to deal with bottom of the barrel last mile delivery services and thay are just bullies. In the future I am going to make sure of the delivery details before I place the order. Sometimes I forget we live in a gotcha world these days. I am just not mentally equipped to deal with abusive people.

 

[whiteraven]

I just don’t do conflict well. Is this a PTSD thing?

So, I think this depends. I have had repeated issues like you describe over the last couple of months. I think the anger is absolutely justified, and I think it's unhealthy to allow it to just fester (and to allow people to walk all over you). Several meetings in one week get postponed because the other person doesn't show--that anger is totally justified, in my book. That said, with me, it's been even very small insignificant things. I break a dish, I lose it. A cashier makes a mistake on my bill, I lose it. And so on. *That* feels like PTSD. It's an overreaction.

They gave me a week window for the delivery and insisted I do it that morning. They told me they only deliver here on Tuesdays and now they want to charge me for storing it.

This kind of thing has happened to me several times. I used to be super patient with companies, but now not so much. If I don't get someone to fix the issue, I go to the head of the company. Then I write reviews. I have been told all my life to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and I have come to realize that repeated incidents like this are abuse, and I don't tolerate it anymore. It still makes me crazy, but I have been trying to take the anger and upset and direct it toward correcting the problem.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Thanks. I am beginning to think I stuff my anger around people I care about and then I get pushed to far for too long and then some A hole conveniently arrive and I let go. I really don’t like loosing it like that. Even though the circumstances may have justified it I feel ashamed for not keeping what little cool and self control I have.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks. I am beginning to think I stuff my anger around people I care about and then I get pushed to far for too long and then some A hole conveniently arrive and I let go. I really don’t like loosing it like that. Even though the circumstances may have justified it I feel ashamed for not keeping what little cool and self control I have.

I remember talking to a friend about this when we were in our 20s cos we'd observed this is ourselves and others... Stuffing down anger and then sometimes almost "waiting" for a trigger that would release it like a pressure valve...
I think this is more common than you migh think... Probably it's what lots of road-rage people do...
And yeah, it's not so healthy... : P
And probably directly related to not having learned healthy anger-management skills in a PTSD environment, where stuffing it down was literally the only safe thing to do...
Many ppl have this pattern and it's something you can work on and it doesn't make you an awful person...
That you recognise it means you are self-aware and can work on this.
I think the bit you won't like much is that it will also entail learning to do less "stuffing" with the people you care about in the first place... It's a delicate balance of shifting that in ways that feel safe and appropriate...

 

[MKEPaul]

I really lost it today with an A-hole. I just had the floors redone in my home and I am buying a lot of new furniture. Yesterday and today were supposed to be delivery days. Only one of the scheduled deliveries happened yesterday while I waited all day for no shows. At 6:00am this morning I get a text that the couch will be delivered between 7:00 and 11:00am. It never showed up. I get a call from the driver delivering the new bookshelves. I fully paid for them but I was supposed to pay the driver. When he called he demanded cash but I could not leave the house to go to the atm. He got really aggressive saying if I didn’t have cash he would not deliver. I don’t like being bullied so I let go and I chewed him out using every four letter word in my vocabulary, many more than once. The I called the furniture company and they said of course I could pay the delivery fee with a credit card. But it was too late, the driver had left. I ended up cancelling the entire purchase and disputing the payments I already made.

I hate conflict. I do everything I can to avoid it but sometimes it happens. If things have built up because of my stuffing frustration it can erupt in a verbal tirade. Fortunately never violent, but I hate this part of myself. Two days of no shows really primed me and the delivery guy just bullied the wrong guy on the wrong day. I am ashamed of my inability to deal with problematic people. I just don’t do conflict well. Is this a PTSD thing? I really avoid many things in life because of my aversion to possible conflict.

Definitely empathize with the (1) strong emotions when scheduled things go wrong, and (2) the reactive responses to make it all right again. *No judgment of you implied in my choice of adjectives.*

I have an employer, 7000 employees, that kept batching my paycheck. Addiction and money issues, yes? Blew up at my supervisor when she said (again) "oh, just call Nancy in payroll."

My response way beyond necessary and I'm under permanent termination threat for a recurrence. I managed--dunno how-- to change my approach: walk away (literal/figuratively): and speak the problem to the other person. "This is wrong. I'm really steamed right now [no escalated language]. I'll get back to you later when I cool off."

Ain't an issue of them being wrong. It's reclaiming *my* dignity: "You are wrong and I am strong enough to sort this out on my terms."

Also, forgive yourself. Hard as it is. Heck, if we won't forgive ourselves, why expect others to? We share a hard lesson--we're resilient enough to see it and convert it into a strength.

 

[Ecdysis]

Sigh... It was my turn today...

So, Saturday I got a relatively expensive parcel delivered while I was out. When I got home, it was nowhere to be seen. Now, while this may be a normal occurrence for many, I live so remotely in a rural setting that there's basically no-one out there to steal parcels... It's never happened before and I was certain it hadn't happened in this case either.

I emailed both the vendor and the delivery company straight away to let them know that the parcel had not arrived and Monday morning I called both and asked them what was going to happen, because the parcel had not been delivered at all.

I was given a huge run around of course, with countless excuses and "it's not our fault" and "it's not our problem" and "maybe you made a mistake". Total run around, and basically a great big "f*ck off, we don't give a damn".

I got... I dunno... angry? dysregulated? upset? frustrated? annoyed? indignant? and I started pushing back... Told the delivery service I wanted them to investigate where the parcel was and to provide proof of delivery. Told them I would press charges for them "losing" my parcel and refusing to do anything about it and claiming it was delivered, when it definitely wasn't.... Put in a PayPal report that I'd not received the package, because I'd paid it via PayPal.... Wrote 3 annoyed emails to the vendor, telling them that I expected their help in sorting this out and coming to some kind of compromise, else I'd not be buying from them anymore... Rang my insurance company to see if theft of parcels was covered in the policy...

And of course, the more I was given the run around, the more my temper escalated. I was in 5 or 6 phone queues, waiting to talk to people who were not trained or not able or not willing to help... I asked around on neighbouring farms, whether the package had maybe been delivered to them by mistake... I called all the delivery companies that deliver to us and told them that under no circumstances are they to "leave" parcels anymore, if I'm not home, but to take the parcel to the nearest branch and I'd come and pick it up from there.

And so on and so forth... At the end of the day, feeling quite exhausted and dissapointed and worried about how on earth to fix the situation, I took the rubbish out to the bins that are at end of our lane, where the rubbish trucks collect them. I put rubbish in the bin that gets collected tomorrow and then I looked at the other bin for recycling stuff and there was a piece of paper wedged in under the lid and it said "Here is your parcel" with a smiley face.

I thought it was some kind of weird joke at first and couldn't really understand what it meant... And I looked inside the (almost empty) bin and indeed, the big, quite expensive parcel was in there.

So.......... because we're having a winter storm right now with lots of snow and sleet... The delivery company driver had decided (kindly) that it would be best to put the parcel in there, to keep it dry from the snow and sleet...

But had also (stupidly) not left the normal "We dropped your parcel off at XYZ" card in the letter box... Where they could've noted "Parcel is in the recycling bin" or such... Instead, they left no sign of the parcel, no card saying they'd left it... Just a small slip of paper wedged under the lid of the recycling bin...

Ugh... I don't know what to feel... On the one hand, I think it's sweet that they put the parcel somewhere dry... And after I had been so upset for two days, the smiley on that note almost floored me...

And at the same time, I can't believe how much stress and problems the whole thing caused, because it was done so stupidly, that I had no way of finding this parcel except by a coincidence, whenever I next took out the rubbish...

And I'm still pissed off about all the worry and stress and energy expended over this missing parcel... And still pissed about the useless run around I was given, that was basically just a great big "f*ck you, we don't care"...

And now I'm also feeling something like... embarrassment? shame? feeling stupid? ... It feels as if it was "somehow" my fault that I complained about a missing parcel that was... well, missing... but not as much missing as it had seemed...?

I know that last one is definitely connected to childhood trauma... Always being blamed for everything you did or didn't do or couldn't have known to do... The constant gas lighting and constant changing of the goal posts and changing of the rules, so that whatever you'd done, it was wrong...

And then the conflicting feelings towards the delivery company driver... Who had kindly put the parcel somewhere dry and had even written a note with a smiley for god's sake... And yet had done it so stupidly that it caused so many problems that I nearly got the police involved...

Ugh...

Edit to add: Ohhh... I think this is part of what I'm feeling... The feeling stupid thing... About having gotten upset and angry about something that (in the end) didn't technically warrant it... That reminds me so much of childhood trauma, because I'd get upset about things that were genuinely bad... and then get told that I was imagining it or it wasn't that bad or that I was exaggerating or to quit whining... The constant invalidation... Feeling upset and distress as a kid, and even fury and rage about the injustice and about my powerlessness to do anything about the trauma and the abuse and the neglect... And it just being totally and utterly invalidated...

I remember that was part of the unreality of growing up with trauma... That what you'd see, you'd be told wasn't happening... What you felt, you'd be told wasn't what you should be feeling... That the things that mattered to you, you were told were totally irrelevant...

It was so mind-bending... And I think it was a big part of what caused my dissociation... I'd just feel like I was in this unreality vortex and that I was being expected to live a lie... go along with faking the family's facade...

And so everything I ever felt was just not valid... And that's the feeling I get from this... That because I was upset about a missing parcel... That turned out to be less missing than it seemed to be... Like that makes my upset about it retrospectively "wrong"...

And I know I've had countless situations - as have we all - where we've gotten stressed or upset about something and then it turned out it was literally something caused by our own mistake... And I think we all feel really foolish when that happens... But this feels different... Because the parcel was missing... It wasn't my mistake to have not thought to look in the bins for it... So it's not one of those normal "mea culpa" situations...

It feels more reminiscent of those childhood trauma situations of twisting reality (the parcel is missing/ the parcel is not missing) and me getting upset and then being told that my upset is totally baseless....

Sigh... It still feels crappy, but I'm relieved to have figured out what was bugging me so much about it...