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I See No Way Forward

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I see no way forward. I have nothing at this point, no friends, no family, and my only “support” is my ever so stoic doctor who doesn’t really do anything than write my prescriptions.

I cannot find a therapist who takes my insurance and has a focus in what I need to work on.

People think I’m “successful” at why I do but I’m in debt and barely pay my bills.

I have so many life regrets. I diligently sought out therapy for decades only to be misdiagnosed so many times and shoved into therapies that don’t work. Now that I have a new diagnosis I cannot find help.

People don’t understand this level of loss. It is a loss because I struggled with severe mental illness for decades that was ignored by professionals and mislabeled. It cost me everything. I’m told that I need to be happy being alone because lots of people are alone. This isn’t the life that I want. I wanted at least something to bring me happiness, but I have nothing.

Oh. The new diagnosis is OCD, with the main types being scrupulousity, morality, and perfectionism that all spills over into relationships. It’s difficult to do much of anything when the 24/7 thoughts screaming in your head are that god hates you and that everyone hates you. (I make mental lists to prove everything).
 
I dont know if this is going to help but you have to find happiness within yourself. Only you can find happiness inside of the bad things getting your happiness out of an object or a person doesn’t last long unfortunately.
 
People don’t understand this level of loss.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, @EveHarrington. I think you're right that people don't get it. They can't, unless they've experienced it themselves. I lost 12 family members and best friends one year, and over 40 that I can ever remember. Since then, I've tried so hard to make and sustain connections, but I haven't been able to. I had multiple misdiagnoses (mostly physical), and I've seen countless therapists, most of whom were not helpful. I do have a current T, but he's mostly there to just chat with (and I take frequent months-long breaks because of that)--he doesn't really do "therapy."

The only real support I have now is from my mom, and she is now focused on my sister, who is terminally ill--I likely won't be talking to her again for a long time, if at all. I rely heavily on my cats for comfort.

I wish I had some advice. I'm finding that, while I'm unhappy being alone, I am doing more "therapy" on my own than I've done with my therapist in the last 3 years. I pay attention to the things I do, the things I say to myself, the things I won't do, and then just ask myself why?

I wanted at least something to bring me happiness, but I have nothing.
Oh, I get this. I had to change my expectations. I expected to be happy at some point; now I just expect to be functional and maybe content with some of the things I *can* do. It's really hard. But I think, for me, it's about nothing mattering. I mean, if we look at the big picture, if we consider everyone else in this stupid world, what's the point? I'm gradually getting to the place where that "nothing matters" doesn't mean I should kill myself, but it means more that I can just do whatever and be however I am because it won't matter in the end.

Have you ever seen Young Sheldon? There was an episode where Sheldon is taking a philosophy class, and he is dealing with that question--"what's the point?" His professor tells him he's saying it wrong. That the question should excite him and get him out of bed in the morning, not send him into the depths of despair. I think about that--it's hard, but it's an interesting thought.
 
I dont know if this is going to help but you have to find happiness within yourself. Only you can find happiness inside of the bad things getting your happiness out of an object or a person doesn’t last long unfortunately.


Not to sound snarky but unless you have absolutely nothing in your life, you have no idea what I’m dealing with. Please don’t tell me I should be happy with no friends, no family, no professional help aside from a psychiatrist, no purpose in life, etc.

I don’t think you could find happiness within yourself if you had nothing. I mean this is the kind of stuff that monks spend their whole lives training for. 99% of society couldn’t do it on their own.
 
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