It's something very privately touching many people's hearts right now.
To be in your situation and feeling the way you do right now can only go on to create further feelings of 'depressed frustration' so take a step back and look at your life from different perspective.
Your doctor can only help by providing a never ending stream of prescriptions which presumably are a medicational way of suppressing the effects of the depression so you feel a little better....
Yet the deeper, underlying problems are never resolved.
Finding a therapist is never an easy task because it's trying to find someone who can relate to your issues and there are the ongoing costs to consider as the overburdened and underfunded state/public health care services give way to privatisation of our health care.
Your pain is very profound, yet well hidden so those who know you don't see it.
The very best of friends (even close family) may never get an indication of there being anything wrong.
Why?...
Because you hide it so well and people just get on with their own lives. What happens when anyone gets a glimpse of struggle? Mental illness is no different to physical illness when it comes to people wanting to stick around because people don't want to get to involved. Therefore leaving you to deal with it all by yourself and that can be a lonely journey.
What's the chance that others assume you are perfectly fine?
They always say that you look so happy (which can be annoying at times).
It's not about being happy is it?...
No...You put on a brave smile and get on with your daily life because you have to.
Behind your positive, confident and 'successful' image, there's someone really battling the lonely, uphill struggle of mental health issues.
To make matters worse and to include further insult.....What do people say to you?
"Are you alright?"..."You're alright because you earn good money"...
"Only you to look after"...."You're always happy"...
Does the list go on?....Always with what you may want to describe as a patronising sneer....
Let's get real and be totally honest.
You are not OK and dealing with severe depression....Putting aside other aspects with regard to your mental health.
It's more about asking the questions rather than getting the answer in your very challenging situation.
The reason for doing this is because you've invested so much time and money searching for answers....Yet perhaps lost the fundamentals of the original question(s).
Let's look at what you actually want.
You want more help than just prescription medication.
You want a diagnosis for your mental health issues.
You want a professional in the field of mental health to actually listen, appreciate and seriously acknowledge with value to what you say.
You want people to understand the loss you have experienced (and still are experiencing now).
You want to end the ignorance, the regular misdiagnosis and being mislabelled by the health professionals...
Yet you are unable to break the vicious circle.
The new diagnosis (OCD) is fine but you still can't find the help you need and.... What's the chance the new diagnosis was something you already knew?
The battle with your mental health will (not surprisingly) have cost you very dearly.
Physically, emotionally and financially.
Being alone and unhappy will never be conducive to achieving the mental wellbeing you so deserve and desire.
People tell you that you need to be happy being alone.
Agreed....
However...
It's something rather more psychologically complex than that.
Yes. Happiness can be found within ourselves. Or so the popular teaching goes.
An old way of teaching to desperately satisfy a society that is aimlessly following a helpless path into a seriously burgeoning mental health crisis.
Perhaps stating the full reality of life and being truthful can be a different way forward for many of us.
Let's put it another way....Telling people to find happiness within themselves can be another way of saying...."Limited spaces for counselling. Take the medication and move on."
Or perhaps..."Maybe you'll feel better after a cup of tea."
There's this element of thought pervading our society more and more....Deeper and deeper...Just shut the door and hope they'll go away.
Finding the happiness within ourselves cannot be achieved because it's not there.
You could compare telling someone to find happiness within themselves to pouring yourself a glass of milk...When there is no milk in the bottle.
However hard you try, you will certainly not get that milk and there's not the slightest chance of you 'finding the milk within the bottle' because you've got to either get the milk or fill the bottle.
The same goes for happiness. You've either got to go to a place that creates happiness within you or do something positive. The same goes for finding what people describe as 'inner peace'....Finding inner peace is fine...But what if you are trapped in a never ending thunderstorm of deep, inner turmoil.
Here's the problem. How to you go places and do stuff when battling the suffocating blanket of mentally crippling depression.
What can you do?
A new diagnosis (OCD) may be a good start because you've been through this process so many times before so there's perhaps nothing more to lose that what you already have anyway.
What comes from within you at this time in your life are all those 'screaming thoughts' that reside inside your head and are bursting to break out.
That's your true inner self trying so hard to fight the darkness inside.
To discuss the purpose in life and what means to us could involve writing a massive book and still not getting to the answer. It is question very worthy of asking, yet there's just no answer at all.
One thing for certain, the more you ask the question about life's purpose and why you are here....
The more psychological fuel will ignite the fire from your deepest, inner self - yet only get swallowed up by the vast darkness of your depression.
However. Let's try and examine this question about our purpose in life and what it means to us.
When we are out and about, we are surrounded by a miriad of people from all walks of life as they go about their business and do what they do.
From your perspective, you see people with a purpose in life and this leads on to your feelings of not having any purpose at all.
Whether it be going to and from the shops, travelling to work on the bus or by train or car.
Then you'll see couples sitting together in the park, sitting outside cafes and bars and so on.
They all seem to have a purpose in life.
Then you'll be surrounded by families with many children and this is when the question about purpose becomes very apparent.
Yet it still is a question....What is our purpose?
From your own personal perspective, you feel everyone around you has a purpose in life and moving along on a positive trajectory towards happiness.
Yet underneath it all, nothing is really what it seems and if the truth be known....
Everyone of us may seriously be asking the questions you ask: even if they are totally unaware.
In reality, the truth is so very different because everything you experience of the world around you becomes interpreted as so much better and fulfilling because of your own depression and your perceptions of life around only go on to encourage you to feel even more depressed.
Take a step back and try to imagine that you don't have your serious mental health issues for a moment and then take another step back and try to view life from the perspective of those around you.
Those around you may give the appearance everything is going to their plan and could very well look happy and content.
Yet something unseen has not availed to us....Not in the way we really need (or want for a better word) to see it anyway.
Often spoken or read about on the news, in social media, documentaries, modern films and TV dramas and always talked openly about in general conversation, the ongoing mental health crisis is an issue of great awareness and it's importance is paramount in our modern society.
Well....That's what we are all told to believe.
Society is told...That we are all very mental health aware and want to 'reach out'.
However. On the other hand, people seriously don't appreciate how severe this luming, dark spectre of a mental health crisis really is and seem to be oblivious to how this will impact our society in ways we can't imagine.
Already. The hospitals, helplines, emergency services and all of their health professional staff are overwhelmed, underfunded, time stretched and all because there's a growing crisis hitting our society in which (if the full truth be known) there seems to be growing, yet limited knowledge about how to deal with this situation.
Whether it people on there own or families....This is a crisis affecting so many people over a broad spectrum. People like yourself who have no family support can find themselves suffering because there's a special underlying message being given to everyone who can't afford their own healthcare and rely upon the state to provide their healthcare needs.
This includes so many of us and that message is....Rely on family for your care and stay at home if you can.
For someone like you, this makes your life so much harder and at times it must be intolerable.
We can go back to your views on the purpose of life, the fact you feel you have nothing and there being no way forward.
In many ways, everyone must surely be wondering the same thing but don't seem to express it in the way you are doing now. It could easily be said that you are writing on here the truth of how many people are genuinely feeling inside.
What you are discussing on this site is something people all around daren't even contemplate because even just sitting and thinking what you are writing about would be enough strike fear in their hearts and minds.
However. Underneath the image of everyday life, there is that very small fragment of thought in everyone minds that seriously raises the issues you have brought to light.
It's just something that has been kept under suppressed control by many people; yet it is something that is growing slowly and becoming more powerful in our very existence - and it now manifests itself upon our lives and our society.
You admit that your mental illness has cost you everything. There's the financial costs of the different treatments and therapies, then there's the loss of money through time off work and so on.
The emotional costs, the physical costs (because mental illness causes physical illness as well) and everything else in life that can be affected such as family and relationship problems that become intertwined with your own mental health problems.
Your problem becomes what they feel is their's and the amount of understanding, empathy and sympathy are perhaps just not available when you really need them because family, partners and friends just don't understand what's going on inside you.
This leads on to something more tragic and which involves a new generation. The children....
You've devoted your life to find a cure for your mental health problems and you may feel there has been absolutely no success in finding that inner peace and happiness you so long for.
Sadly. As much as you keep trying, the cure to your mental health problems may never be found because of the complexity of our minds.
However. Does this mean that you cannot have purpose in your life? Can you find a way to live more peacefully with your very severe mental health problems? Can you still have some therapy and benefit from it? Even though the counselling/therapy may never be right for you? Sometimes it's about finding a good 'listening ear', even if nothing else.
Can you use your vast experience of mental illness, the loss, the loneliness, the anger, frustration, despair and whatever else comes to mind as a way to help others?
There will certainly be others and very much sooner than you think because the numbers will be vast.
This leads on to the children of our society and their families.
Going back to the issue of how mental health is affecting society as a whole means very soon, there are going to be many people like yourself and suffering in the same way as you.
This isn't about mental health issues being 'highlighted' in our modern society. It's about the full reality of mental health problems becoming an affliction that will affect many.
Those poor parents (and grandparents who now take on the parenting role due to parent's work commitments) looking into the eyes of their children and not able to understand the turmoil they are going through because it's something they've perhaps never experienced themselves and 'put it down' to being modern children.
People smirk and roll their eyes when they see children covering their heads in their hoodies, wearing their earphones and just assume it's a 'moody phase' when in reality, these children just want to hide away and protect themselves from the world and it's people. Huddle down in their own private little world in front of that phone screen.
Many of these poor children are frightened of the world around them and they are experiencing the depths of depression to which many just don't understand.
Many parents/grandparents look at their children with considerable despair in their eyes as they sit quietly on the sidelines and watch the children in their lives struggle with something they don't seem to quite grasp. It's something they've never dealt with before in their own lifetime - especially the grandparents who possibly can't fathom it out at all.
Already. There's a generation of young adults who are the first in a lifetime to actually become physical adults without transitioning from being a child.
Supposedly, they could be called the 'real adult children'.
What you are experiencing yourself is going to be the future of many children, teenagers, adults young and old.
The children of tomorrow will experience a mental health crisis like never before and the parents and grandparents (though in denial) secretly know it.
To make matters even worse, there will not be sufficient care available for them when that time comes.
Even now, less school time is becoming more common and being introduced at a carefully controlled rate and these 'extra holidays' become a part of the school curriculum. Meaning many children experiencing the early signs of mental health problems find themselves and their families struggling because the more the child stays at home, the more encouragement they have to not want to go back to school and mix with others and follow a structured routine.
Many will question their purpose in life as the world becomes ever more automated to meet our ever burgeoning material demands.
Yet jobs will become obsolete - and as hard as it comes across - people will feel the same. They already are anyway, hence the build up of anger and frustration being seen everyday in our modern society.
Fair enough...This is just a brief overview of what is to come and something we all know about anyway if the truth be known.
Going back to your issue of not seeing anyway forward, perhaps wondering what is the point of it all and those feelings of not having any purpose.
Keep working with the new therapist and work on your OCD...Just try telling the therapist exactly how you feel and take it from there. It's understandably difficult for you because you've been through it all be before and possibly know more about mental health than the professionals.
The thing is with mental health, nobody can see what is wrong. It could be said you have a far deeper experience of not only your own mental health issues but that of others as well.
You have no purpose...Yet could that be said of anyone? It's going back to that question of purpose and what it really means.....
For many people, the purpose in life is to get married (or partner) and raise a family at whatever financial, physical and emotional costs.
If the deepest truth be known, it is what everyone desires and is their core belief of life and existence.
The concept is beautifully presented to everyone and we are all encouraged to follow the same path of destiny. There's a great teaching given to society that everything in life is about creating a family and life is totally empty and worthless if you don't.
There are those that choose not to have a family and there are those who through different circumstances do not have children.
Whatever happens in the journey of our lives, there seems to be a certainty....From the beginning of their journey to looking after their growing families - both parents and children are expriencing mental health challenges like never before in this ever changing world.
From your own perspective, you perhaps understand the difficulties these people face more than anyone because you've lived through it.
Depending on how you look at life, it could be said that you may have a purpose.
That purpose could be to offer some supportive help to some of those souls who are feeling just like you.
You say that you have nothing....Look at that through a positive trajectory and accept it means you've nothing to lose.
Discuss with the doctor about either reducing or finding alternative medication if possible.
Continue with the therapist....
Because of the difficulties you've experienced in finding the appropriate counselling for your complex needs, it just may be worth working with who you have.
Carry on writing in these forums because there are many, and there'll be many more in the future because people will be in need of so much help and the public services won't be available due to overburdening costs, time and so forth.
Volunteer work may be another area to look into so as to reach out to different people and they'll always be someone grateful for a chat whilst they 'charity shop' or you could join a 'befriending' service or helpline.
All of the above services and more will be needed and if they discontinue (though the unfortunate threat of high costs continues each day), there'll be more people than ever being cast aside and will wonder where to turn.
Nobody can really help you to find happiness because what you are dealing with is far too serious to simply say...."Hey. Just lighten up and get over it."
Although society doesn't (or can't) accept it through fear of having to face and accept the future of their children. The crisis is ever growing....
Fair enough, it's put all over the news and different media forms that we are very conscious of our mental health and wellbeing, but that is something we are all just told to believe.
In reality, the problem is much deeper and and there'll be a new generation struggling to find purpose and meaning in there lives...Their families will have much to worry about, yet not find understanding.
Sometimes in life, it's not all about finding happiness because that happiness may just never be found (as many people are now finding out). Perhaps with your experience of the realities of life with mental health issues, you could help towards guiding others who'll be finding themselves searching for the meaning of their own life's purpose.
Paul....
