Relationship I Sound Terrible - Hubby Just Seems To Do Things That Really Upset/ Annoy Me.

[Sunshine71]

Please help lovely forum members...

I am going to sound horrible however my hubby just seems to do things that really upset/ annoy me.

And that’s it. Other than me ‘caring’ for him/ paying the bills etc he just doesn’t seem to be part of the family and shows me no affection/ love.

I hate the way he talks to our son – I have gone on a few parenting course to help me and I see even more now that he shouldn't talk as he does to him.

I wondered if anyone else has experiences or sees their PTSD sufferer do these things?

Is it part of PTSD or had my hubby just changed, got harder? And does he do these things even after knowing they upset me to hurt me?

He:

Belches loudly all of the time (he says its medication?)

Wears his boots / shoes all over the house – I say we take shoes off at the door. Its how I was brought up and feel its respectful.

Sniffs a runny nose up constantly – it drives me mad. He say his ears have popped.

Shoves my things in cupboards and drawers.

Moves paperwork and bundles lots of different things up – eg school paperwork , bills, etc

Doesn’t ‘join in’ with my son and I

Still spends money – although he doesn't have any

Just seems to waste a day (I know this can be tough for sufferers) He struggles to focus.

I know I sound like a right moaner – I really am not.

I don’t know how to addresses these things anymore as they are driving me mad and he doesn’t make any changes even after I try to pick a right moment and tell him how I feel or make a silly joke out of it.

They are really pushing me over the edge.

Help!

Thanks so much

Sunshine x

 

[Legend]

Hi Sunshine, you do not sound terrible at all! I suffer from PTSD and my wife has the same problems with me sometimes, she is a great woman with a hard husband to control. I have to work very hard to put myself into my wifes shoes, I do try and see things from her side. I do own my own company so the being comfortable thing is a problem for me,IE: me having no direction and no focus because my company just sort of runs its self. I do work, but my part of things is just repetition, She owns two other companies so that is a problem aswell. She works alot harder than I do for sure, so I try and help out around the house as best I can.

As men, we tend to forget just how important our wives are to us, we are fairly dumb when it comes to understanding how we act. I can be a caveman pretty easy without my wifes input and direction, which she is very good at. I do not need a baby sitter by any means, however I can get inside my own head pretty easy. When that happens I can become very hard, cold and withdrawn. My wife spent years talking at me, insted of talking to me, which was a problem for me because I took it as
criticism. In my case, I am not a very trusting person which makes me cynical. That is a big problem for me because I tend to verbalise that about alot of things.

I cannot tell you how to feel or what to do because I surely am not an expert, however I can tell you what has worked for my wife and myself. I use a scale of 1/10 of importance when it comes to our interactions, if she brings something up that she feels strongly about ( fill in the blank ) I simply take a look at where it falls on that scale to me. If she is at an 8 and I am at a 2 when it comes to being important to me, then an 8 beats a 2 every time. She gets her way, or what she wants. It also works the same for me, we had to agree to this little process. I have found that it's a really good way to pick my battles so to speak. You are part of the process just like your husband, my wife had to sit me down and talk to me from the heart about my behaviour.

It took a few times for me to get it, she was just as upset as you are along with feeling lost not knowing what to do, or which way to turn. I had to see that I was being selfish, she pointed that out to me along with the fact, that inspite of my bad points that she loved me. She wanted to help me all along but dident know how which is very hurtful seeing your spouse suffering. I hope that you find what you are looking for Sunshine, it's there just keep trying. Have a great day and remember that we are behind you 110%.
Legend

 

[Mtnativecohome]

I thought you were writing a post about my life! My husband with PTSD has completely lost all inhibitions himself. Every noise a human body can make he makes. I have been seeing a counselor and she recommended that I not nitpick and leave the room. It will cause further insecurity when security and acceptance is needed the most. Be strong, ignore his loud chewing, breathing, coughing and just silently chuckle. Lol

 

[discarded]

I think as supporters we all get to the point from time to time when it all just gets to us. Then every little annoyance takes on huge proportions in the overall scheme of things. Make a list and put them in order of the most annoying to you. Sometimes just writing them down is enough to let off steam. If not, list them in order from most to least annoying and tackle one issue at time. Bombarding him at all once really won't get you any where as he will see it as criticism. Ask him is there anything you do that annoys him too, you might be surprised at what he comes up with.

 

[Bilby]

There are things that my husband does on a daily basis that annoy me (funnily enough, quite a few of the things you have mentioned!).

I may be completely off base here, but sometimes I feel that these things annoy me more, if I am feeling a bit out of touch with my husband, i.e. not on the same page, or as 'connected'. Whether this is because my mind is busy about my own things, or his is busy, I don't know - but the point is, I do find that these things bug me more at these times. I have learnt to ignore some of it and have tried to place priority on the more important things - for example, the interaction with your son that you mention. That once would take precedence for me, over wearing the shoes in the house. So.... perhaps there is something there you can work on yourself - prioritising what things are really non-negotiable, or are super important.

That said, I do like Legend's comments about the 'scale'. That's something worth considering perhaps?

B x

 

[RetiredAFWife11]

Hi Sunshine!

Yes, I can related 1000000%. We do not have any children but we have two Boxers and they way he treats our dogs (so totally different than children, I know) scares me sometimes. The dogs hate being around him and follow me around like they are my shadows. He NEVER does what he says he was going to. For example: folding the laundry, picking up his things that he leaves everywhere...any number of miniscule things in the grand scheme.

As Bilby stated above me, I too feel as though this intensifies when my hubs and I really aren't jiving well together. We often feel disconnected and I realize it has just become part of our journey through PTSD.

What I try to do as much as it drives me insane is ignore it. If he is trying to get a rise out of me by doing it, I flat out ignore it and leave the room. When I tried to pick up after him or complete the odd jobs he says he was going to do- he just would flip out.

There are some days he just goes to town and cleans everything, makes dinner and actually smiles! I live for those days.

Stay strong and focus on the good in life. Sounds cheesy, but it works. The little things will fall away.

 

[Legend]

Good morning
I have been following this thread for sometime now, I am very intrested in the comments here due to the fact that I experence the same things. I suffer from PTSD and my wife has chosen to put up with me all these years. I believe that for years I pushed my wife trying to see if she would leave me, I have a hard time believing that she loved me. If that makes any sense? I have found that staying focused is very hard for me, I do not know why, it just is. My wife gives me the ( list ) and that is what works for me, I have something that draws my attention. The things on the list are written down in order of compleation, IE: first things first.

It seems childish in a way but thats just part of how we work together. We both have our strong points and weak points, and we try to live our life together, using those in a constructive way to accomplish our day to day tasks. As a soldier you follow orders and there is structure, chain of command. I was and am use to this structure, I do the same things, the same way, each time I do them. I order the same food when we go out to dinner, I buy the same clothes when we shop, you could set your clocks by my movements through out the day. Everything that I do is regamented, so when something falls outside that structure it is'nt comprehended and processed the same way. By no means am I making any attempt at justification for my actions, just explaining them.

A small bit of information that I will get into trouble with men here about is this, all men are like little boys in a way. We love attention, as little boys we fought wars, built forts, slew dragons and saved damsels in distress. We were fire fighters, and police officers, and pirates sailing the seven seas on great adventures. Then we grew up and those great and wonderful times were over for the most part. We went to work after college and put our boyhood dreams away. We met our wives and swept them off their feet just like that damsel of long ago. We married the love of our lives and for a moment we were Prince charming once more. Then the reality of life set in, and things became old and worn out, boring so to speak.

We as men are born with a restless heart, we crave adventure even as old men. We are built to explore, and to see whats just over the next mountian. We need to feel needed and confirmed as men by our wives, we need to save you from the dragon.

Please let us save you! Legend