I Still Don't See Whats So Good About Socializing.

[BrazenBull]

Today I am hurt, because I went to go bond with some family in the mountains and I was stupid enough to think maybe family wasn't all bad. And today I found out my own brother was talking smack about me to friends of mine, that are also his friends. I am too ashamed to face them after one of them told me strait up that I was insensitive but I probably don't care about what he thinks. I just kinda walked away thinking that I was all alone again.

I am also f*cking retarded to think friends would easily believe something like that about me after I have been trying so hard to be social and nice. Especially since socializing in general freaks me the f*ck out, and it was not easy.

But hey, maybe I am insensitive and like to use people. The main reason I tried to make friends is because I need someone to help me. I cant handle PTSD by myself and I know it so I went and tried to give other people my shit.
Maybe I am supposed to be alone for a reason. I am not a bad person though, I try to be nice, I try to do nothing but give, but what if I am doing it because it makes me feel good.

Right now I'm irritable and screaming at family trying to talk to me and ask what my problem is.
I also don't feel like dealing with any other friends right now.

Being close with family and friends just isn't as OK as I thought it would be. Sure sometimes the company is a little comforting, but its just not worth it if the little things make me suicidal. I would rather be alone all day everyday then to put up with anyone.

IDK maybe I'm taking everything too hard. I cant talk with anyone about this. Last time I tried telling my lover about something like this she asked "Do you think I'm like other people too? Can you trust me?" and some other questions that I felt bad trying to answer. I had to lie and say I did, and I feel so guilty. I don't want to tell her anything, her love is just .. different and that is something I don't want to lose. It's not that I don't trust her though, its just that .... I have no idea..

 

[BrazenBull]

:\ I also kind of threatened my family with "I am going to get really pissed, if I hear anyone say my name or if any one even looks at me" I didn't mean to lose my temper, I just got defensive and don't want people to notice me

I'm just really scared.

 

[Years-of-Fears]

You are being forged in a crucible of fear, not all people will be tested in the same way you have been Brazen. Comparing them to you is like comparing tin foil to steel.

Let them carry for one minute what you carry each day and we shall see how quickly their attitudes change. I think you are brave and aware.

Take pride in your victories, you challenge a fearsome thing when you take on your fears. Each time you make even a little ground or learn a new thing, then you have won something great, Knowledge.

 

[AliveInside]

Brazen, thank you for your deeply honest posts. I know it can't be easy to examine this stuff. It's hard to connect with others and not let negative emotions lead, but you have a choice and can change your future. Making friends isn't easy and you are brave every day you get out of bed in the morning. Try to slow down your mind and be patient with yourself it's the best way to rationally view the situation.