I Think I Hate Myself...

[Upside Down Eagle]

I got kicked out of my last home because of the major rage attacks that followed any triggers and anxiety. I live in a flat now, which is better at some level (not so isolated) but worse at another (if I scream everybody hears).

I had figured out this way to cope with the anxiety. I even wrote up this list of points I need to do when I'm anxious so that I don't spiral out of control. And back then, before I moved, I did follow them and it helped.

Since I moved again however I can't bring myself to do any of them. I kind of hate doing them for some reason. Which is weird, because if I just allow myself to do them, I could be a happier person.

But maybe I don't want to be happy...! I had another fit just now, major obsessive control freak, I lashed out at stuff on my desk and the result is I have splinters of glass all over my wrist and arm. And I probably scared the other people in the building as usual.

I feel like on some level maybe I want to be unhappy. Like I have this weird punishment thing going. Also I feel like on some level I don't really want to live.

I'm new in this city, I'll seek out a new therapist tomorrow though. God, how I hate this whole thing. I really don't get myself.

 

[RachellisMcCloud]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I can relate with self sabatoge. We want to be happy, we don't think we deserve to be happy, but we do. :) Just take it a day at a time and one point at a time. What kind of things help with your anxiety? I will do them with you!

 

[Hashi]

Self-sabotage is usually resistance to something changing. What would be different if you did your coping skills and worked towards a happier life in your new city? Would you have to start being more aware of other aspects of your life that the rage and chaos is a distraction from? Would you have to start being more responsible, or do things you don't currently do?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for your input.

I'm not sure whether it really is about "deserving" happiness... I do think I'm worthy of happiness and I also think I deserve it. But then there's this whole other part of me, that hates me for existing at all. Just the sheer fact that I dared to BE. I think it's related to my mother, she used to have a severe problem with my being in her life. I think it was easy for her to wish I was dead, and to wish I would just disappear.

I guess I inherited this feeling from her. Like sometimes I'm angry at myself for having been there, when nobody really wanted me to. If I actually worked on my coping skills, well, I would let go of the old structures I'm so used to. Maybe I'm more reluctant now to let go of old structures because everything is new here and I know almost nobody. I have my little bubble in the midst of hundreds of strangers...

What kind of things help with your anxiety? I will do them with you!

I actually wrote a whole guide with steps in them, for me to read through when I'm anxious. I could post it online here. I will give it a try ;)

 

[shimmerz]

I think it was easy for her to wish I was dead, and to wish I would just disappear.

My birth parents as well wanted me dead (literally) and attempted to have that happen @Radise. I say this not for any reaction but to say that in my own way, I have had to process the feeling of having been expected to die/disappear. As a child I just wanted to please - therefore I have lived my life with the expectation that most want me to be invisible and more importantly with my not feeling like I had the right to live. I deserved to, but I got skewed when it came to other's feelings of my right to live. I have just recently been led to this realization and it has helped me a ton to recognize that it was someone else's idea for me NOT my own.

In thinking about a child believing that their one mission in life from a key person's perspective (one who was meant to nurture you), was to die wouldn't that make you so freaking angry? I wonder if writing down what you would say to such a person, or visualizing your anger focused on them would allow some sort of release?

This is a powerful realization. Good work....

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I have had to process the feeling of having been expected to die/disappear.

yeah, that's exactly how it feels. Thank you for putting it like that. Isn't it a contradiction in terms...? First, they decide to want you, but once they have you, they expect you to be gone. It's so freaking weird when somebody you love wants you dead.

I was pretty much invisible as a kid, super-shy and inward. Even then my parents were always bugging me about how I was too present in their lives and sucked up so much of their energies. And you're right, in that we have to recognize that it was somebody else's idea...

I'm not even sure what I would say to her, if I decided to. It's so messed up :p

 

[shimmerz]

Keeping in mind that THEY were messed up - not you. You are suffering the fallout but you were not born messed up. ;)

 

[The Albatross]

And that has something to do with your new situation how? Playing old tapes? You are in a new situation, on in which you sense the need to control or maintain your outbursts. I don't see that as a bad thing. Uncomfortable? Yeah, sure... but not bad. What does someone wanting you to be dead have to do with your present situation? What is the connection you are making here? I think I would self examine that.

Note: no relation the post above as shimmerz is on ignore for me.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

It's sort of complicated. I don't really wish I were dead, but part of me does. I don't truly resent myself, but part of me does. The part of me that hates me and resents me, doesn't want me to be happy. So it neglects to do the very exercises that could keep ptsd at bay and give me a chance to be happy & relaxed.

The relationship to this new situation is that I've started to neglect doing these exercises since I moved here. I think maybe it is because I feel more insecure and more exposed here, so I feel more comfortable clinging to those old harmful structures of self-hate and self-neglect. Self-loathing, strangely enough, seems like a protection against the outside world.

Through hating myself and hating the world, and behaving like this tragic victim of a dark past nobody could imagine, I build my barriers against this totally new and uncomfortable situation. Instead of relaxing into it. You're right that it is not a bad thing. But it is a huge challenge. Part of me doesn't want me to be happy, not in my old home and not here.

At some point I'm gonna have to drop the dark emo-kid act and start enjoying my life. It's just frightening. And I'm not sure that I can.

 

[The Albatross]

Part of me wishes I was dead (and it would be over) too, but that is not my reality. If you are neglecting exercises, what can you do to plan/strategize/employ to continue or make it happen. It is understandable to consider that your are more insecure and exposed. You are aware on a base level that you are forming and "impression".

No doubt you feel more comfortable... but your circumstances have changed... you are in a position to change (or not) with it. Provided you are willing to accept that the consequences of "not changing" will be carried into your present/new situation.

Yeah... it's a huge challenge. Rise and prosper.

 

[shimmerz]

I understand in my own way @Radise. It is not all lost. I don't feel like an emo-kid but did have my share of working out to do in order to decide that just because they wanted me dead - well I needed to make my own choice. Blow through their crappy bubble they threw around me of 'you don't deserve to live'. I am still working on attempting to eat, sleep, etc etc that a toddler learns when they are cared about, but I realize it for what it is now. That helps a ton. Best of luck and know that although it is a dubious clique to belong to, you are not alone.

Sorry @Radise this is an edit. I didn't realize you were posting to another user as I our posts are not visible to each other. I thought you were responding to me.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

That's okay @shimmerz , I wasn't even aware of the fact that such options existed. But it is a thread after all and both of your contributions are valuable to me, whether you guys can see each others' posts or not ;-)

@The Albatross that's very mature advice, something to think about. I think some kind of strategy is a good option for me.