Undiagnosed I Think I Might Have Ptsd

[Styl]

Greetings all. I am new to these forums, and would love a helping hand regarding my suspicions. Let me preface this by saying that I know that I should be diagnosed by a professional, but I would like to hear opinions first, especially from primary sufferers.

I have never considered PTSD before, due to several reasons:
1. The trauma that I felt was severely undermined by what I typically associate/hear with PTSD: War, so I thought it wasn't as serious
2. I never have flashbacks or nightmares regarding my trauma

However, upon a few years of seeking the wrong treatment (predominantly CBT, which I felt did not attack what root issues I had - and the popularity of said treatment), has led me to question other possible alternatives.

What I mainly suffer from:

• Emotional repression - I feel that after the traumatic event(s), I was unable to process the events of the time, and have since then locked the emotions away, and subsequently numbed myself with several addictions of varying severity.
• Toxic shame - Initially thought to be social anxiety, I discovered toxic shame which I identified COMPLETELY with. It described everything about me.
• Huge fear of intimacy - disconnected from family, friends and society after said trauma. Just feel so isolated and alone, and afraid of interactions due to rejection, abandonment, etc.
• Emotionally immature - I still feel like there is an inner child within me - one that has not had the chance to grow, and thus I really feel like I haven't grown beyond a child.
• Cognitive impairtment - Feel like like a complete idiot. I'm not one to brag, but I would consider my self a smart person, and it didn't take much effort to learn things, or perform well. Ever since I started suffering, my cognitive ability just declined and declined, and now I can barely read or understand a simple sentence. If I had to quanify it, I feel as though I'm operating at 15% capacity. It really sucks.

Now, why I think I might have PTSD, or even more terrifyingly C-PTSD (although, I'm fairly new to both):

• Hyper vigilance - A term which I did not realize previously existed. Now I can't say certain that I suffer from this, and I'm not the best at explaining, but: it feels as though I'm constantly alert, on guard, expecting the worst to happen. I'm always anticipating the dangers that have not yet occured, and just in general anything bad that can happen. Due to this, I cannot focus, I take a long time to calm down, and any loud and/or unexpected noise terrifies me immensely. This can be a dog in the neighbourhood barking, a siren, a car horn, etc. It startles me greatly and I get so frightened.
• Flashbacks - As initially expressed, I never had flashbacks. However, upon discovering that flashbacks can manifest emotionally instead of the popular visual flashbacks - I started to read more about it, and the more I read about it, the more it resonated with me. I've always had this sensation that when the person I'm living with (who is my abuser, and for reasons, I still live with her), triggers my 'traumatic memory' of the abuse I suffered, and therefore I get triggered from all these heavy emotions from the past. It happens on a daily basis, I get infuriated the the point of wanting to murder her, and more, it takes me forever to calm down, and I start to give in to the comfort of addictions (of which I'm having success abstaining as of the past few months - a most difficult fight that I've battled for years). I feel the shame, I feel the emotions, I feel helpless, I feel a myriad of awful, agonizing things.
• Severe depression and anxiety - self explanatory
• Major memory gap - can't really generally what happened or even the specifics; It's just one giant blur
• Avoiding reminders of the event - definitely. Don't like to talk about it at all.

I am frightened at the possiblity that I might be misdiagnosed. All these years I've had a general intuitive understanding that I have repressed emotions and that I have to release them in order to heal, but nothing beyond that. I knew I didn't relate to typical depression sufferers. However, I would like to hear opinions regarding this matter. I have read a little bit on EMDR, and I feel as though that is the EXACT type of therapy that is needed, and hearing great success and rigorous research on it gives me a sense of hope. Unfortunately, it is expensive, I'm almost at the end of my health care plan for this calender year, I'm a student, and the closest psychologist that offers it is 1 hours and 30 minutes away.

If there are any questions that can help the diagnosis, or anything in general, please ask. This has become fascinating to me, and I want to explore it to the end.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

No member on this forum even myself as a trained psychology student can diagnose you really must see a fully qualified psychotherapist and get a proper diagnosis under the DSM-5 Criterion A. (I enclose a link to help you )

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/PTSD-overview/dsm5_criteria_ptsd.asp

I am a War Vet myself, please don't undermine your symptoms mate, be honest with both yourself and the therapist as to what you are experiencing, cancer is cancer no matter what there is no differentiation between the types or severity of cancer sufferers, likewise PTSD is PTSD regardless of sufferance or amount of traumas survived.

If you wish any further advise or just a chat, please feel free to pop me a private message, I am really far down my own recovery path and am here to help any member that wishes my advise or help as a fellow sufferer only.

Kindest regards.

Laurence

 

[Deleted member 20280]

PS, I will be in the chatroom from now for a while if you would like a friendly chat mate, take care and a :hug: from a UK Vet if you accept it.

Laurie

 

[Mammasalt]

That sounds as PTSD as anything else I have heard / experienced. I can't help but be concerned that you still live with your abuser.

 

[Styl]

No member on this forum even myself as a trained psychology student can diagnose you really must see a...

Thank you. I will be seeing a psychiatrist as soon as I can, but definitely would like to hear others' opinions. You are also completely right that trauma is trauma, and that I shouldn't undermine it. I don't know, I always associated PTSD with something incredibly severe and life-threatening. It just went over my head, and I never really looked into it.

If you'd be so kind, I'd like to hear the successes you've had in regards to your recovery; what's worked for you, and what hasn't. Specifically, though, have you tried EMDR therapy?

 

[Styl]

That sounds as PTSD as anything else I have heard / experienced. I can't help but be concerned that yo...

Interesting. It is a difficult situation, especially for someone of my age, and I would not like to get into the specifics. This leads to a question on my mind, which I've been meaning to ask anyone else: Is it possible to recover from trauma, living in the traumatic environment (with the abuser?) I know how ridiculous it sounds, but is it possible? I'm in my early 20s, and I have considered moving out, but I have obligations and such that would make it a hard decision. Oh, and it's not like she directly abuses me anymore. It's just that I get triggered indirectly from her. Otherwise, we ignore each other.

And I will be going to sleep now so I will reply to everyone tomorrow. Thanks in advance.

 

[Mammasalt]

That's ok, my 1st trauma I was 7, my lastish I was 12. I'm 31 now and I'm still having my crash and burn moments like at the moment. I don't think it's a fab idea to stay living with your abuser but I don't know the situation well enough.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Thank you. I will be seeing a psychiatrist as soon as I can, but definitely would like to hear others' opin...

Yes mate I have had EMDR, I had a very bad experience and nearly killed myself because of EMDR, anytime you want a chat just PM me buddy.

 

[Casey_03]

Is it possible to recover from trauma, living in the traumatic environment (with the abuser?) I know how ridiculous it sounds, but is it possible?

Nope, because certain things won't even begin to surface until you get into a different environment. From what you have described, it does sound to me like PTSD, though as you are aware, only a qualified doctor can diagnose you. I will say that I myself thought for many years that what I was experiencing wasn't PTSD, because I didn't have stereotypical flashbacks, because certain things I felt just seemed normal to me, etc .... it's different for everybody, there is no set path or trajectory of how PTSD affects a person. Some people have nightmares and vivid flashbacks, some re-live the trauma differently.

 

[Mammasalt]

you might also want to consider you might still be deemed as still experiencing the trauma and once removed the proper Post Traumatic Stress can kick in. Im not saying you don't have PTSD I guess I'm saying you might only be at the tip
Of the ice burg and the stereotype PTSD may start as soon as you leave.

 

[Styl]

you might also want to consider you might still be deemed as still experiencing the trauma and once re...

Oh I see what you mean - because of the emotional flashbacks? That is frightening to consider...

 

[Styl]

Nope, because certain things won't even begin to surface until you get into a different environment. Fr...

Yes there are definitely misconceptions with PTSD I feel. I wish I looked at it much sooner.