I Think I Might Want To Get Serious With Him! Please Answer My Questions! Need Help

[Taylor30313]

So I've met this new guy and he is literally perfect. I think I might want to get pretty serious with him, I just don't know where to go from here. Every date we go on is always great. We have so much in common. I just have no clue where I go from here. Who brings up the going steady conversation, me or him? And how many dates should you go on before you have the "let's go steady talk"? When should I mention my PTSD?

HELP! I'm spending a lot of this up coming weekend with him and I want to know by then.

We have been on a few dates, doing different things.

 

[Philippa]

I don't like to ever advise someone that there is a certain time you 'should' have a conversation, since I don't like to use the word should very often. Most of these things can be solved by the person feeling into the situation and from there trusting their feelings.

No one can tell you when the right moment to speak about something will be. You have to feel that one out for yourself and you can do that by getting in touch with how you actually feel.

It's an exciting time, the start of a new relationship, and I don't want to put a downer on that BUT I think it is important to bring you back to earth a tad by saying that no one is really perfect.

You both have stuff in common, and you may feel that he is perfect for you now...and enjoy that feeling, but keep in mind that it is very common for people to go into a relationship thinking the other person is perfect, and then later, when the honeymoon period is over, it becomes obvious that the person isn't really as perfect as you once thought,..and other parts of them start to come out...so that is worth watching out for, so you aren't so disappointed when the reality sets in. He is putting his best self forward now though, which is natural when things first start out.

Relationships are about learning to accept a person warts and all, but for now you are just free to enjoy every moment together and when the moment feels right, if you feel that it is important to tell him, then you can approach the subject. Make sure he is in a receptive space to hear it though.

Trust yourself is probably the best advice I can give, though that can be hard when you have PTSD, or just generally as people are not really taught to trust themselves. Do you meditate?

 

[arfie]

¿Literally perfect?

That is a pedestal no human is equipped to stand on. I would do nothing but enjoy and observe until you get to know his imperfections. If he is anything more human than a marble statue, you can be sure he has them.

As for when to tell, I believe PTSD is entirely too sneaky and complex to tell in one sitting. I have been married 33 years and surprises are still popping out of my PTSD closet. I tell my tale in the by-and-by, as I come to understand them myself. "I react ____ because of ____." In the beginning I simply told him I was conditioned by a childhood in hell.

 

[kahlan]

From the other side, as a supporter, who has been referred to as perfect, that's a scary ideal to live up to. No one is perfect. Its a long fall when I do something not so perfect.

As far as telling him, don't unless you're comfortable enough with him, and you don't need to give every detail. Follow your own instincts, and please remember nobody is perfect :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What's wrong with taking it slow? If he's the one, he's not going anywhere. If you drop the PTSD thing on him at this point, he may see it as not being fully invested as he hasn't known you for long and may walk away. I'm not saying to hide it, but let him get to know you better. The symptoms will inevitably come out at some point and you can judge his sense of compassion then. Just my two cents, from someone who has dropped the PTSD bomb too soon a number of times.

 

[Bluerose]

My only piece of advice would be not to over think it. Simply relax and go with the flow. Allow the relationship to unfold at it’s own pace. You don’t need to explain anything (about PTSD), just let him get to know you. Avoid letting your expectations get too high or too far ahead of you.

Relax and enjoy.

 

[circe47]

In order to be literally perfect, your new partner would most likely never fart, belch, scratch his balls, say dumb things, eat junk food, swear, spit, poop, pee, or any other human function that is less than appealing. See where this is going?

On a more serious note, just give it time. Rome was not built in a day and nothing good ever comes easy. Try to remember these pearls of wisdom and you will never be disappointed needlessly again by thinking anyone is perfect.

 

[Philippa]

I'd almost be concerned if someone I was dating appeared to be "literally perfect". One of the main red flags with psychopaths is their ability to become whatever you want them to be...the perfect partner essentially, as they study and read their prey in a scarily accurate way, and aim to then emulate everything they see the person wants to see in them. They are supreme actors.

I'm not saying this is the case here and I'm not trying to scare you either It sounds more like the love chemicals in your brain are making you see this person in such an unrealistic way...they will die off soon enough I suppose.

 

[FlowerGirl]

I have read some of the above responses but Ill share my experience on when I was told about their PTSD.

I met a wonderful man who is in the military, and has been getting active treatment for PTSD for the last 11/2 years and seems to be doing well so far. He told me about his PTSD after our 2nd date. I know this was difficult for him but" he didn't want any skeletons in the closet which may come out later once I'd fallen for him." I found this aspect of his upfront openness very attractive. He wanted me to know asap so then I could make a decision on whether or not to continue to get to know him. I realize that not too many people would take that chance, I know...

On that note thou, not everyone would be as accepting of this information so I do understand why you may want to get to know someone and have trust in them before disclosing something so personal. You have to be comfortable with discussing it... No one can tell you when it is a good time.

I'm just mentioning how I felt about the situation I was faced with. Everyone is different and depends on the person you are with....

I know he took a big chance... I'm glad he let me know right away. And yes, it scared me at first, but I figure first I had to get some knowledge on the PTSD which I did.

Now saying that, I am a nurse which helps I guess too. After reading up on PTSD, I looked at it as he showed me he is an up front person and didn't spring it on me once I was in love with him and then you face a difficult decision. So I decided that I did not want to perhaps turn away a perfectly wonderful man without giving him a chance and see if it is something I/we can deal with.

And now it has been 31/2 months (I know that's not a long time yet) but he continues to open up to me about his anxieties/issues which is awesome. He is in good hands of a Psychiatrist and Psycologist... and I have my fingers crossed, we will see how it goes...

I wish you all the best...