Sexual Assault I think i was sexually assaulted

[Frx1996]

I'm really sorry if this is long, I just don't know what to think. This happened last summer. I'm a college student. I met what would become my best friend freshman year. I trusted her, we did everything together. Her family was like my own. When the semester was over, my parents went out of the country for vacation, and my neighbors upstairs had just moved out. So, we were completely alone and I was telling her how excited I was to have the house to myself.

I wanted to eat, watch tv, just hang out. She insisted on bringing alcohol, which I was up for. I've never drank before and thought I could live a little. The night was going okay, she was getting drunk, so was I. It's all kind of a blur and I don't remember the sequence of things happening, but I'll write what I remember. I remember wanting to sleep and I lied down. She ripped my pillow and covers out from underneath me, saying either you get up and dance with me or I'll f*ck you. I knew she was joking, but it made me uneasy, because I really wanted to go to bed. I don't remember, but at one point we were on my couch. She kept forcing me to drink, to the point where I was so sick and could barely move. I told her I can't take anymore, she screamed at me and said "YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CAN DRINK, YOUVE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE." I told her repeatedly it's too much. But she said no we have to finish this whole bottle. She was scaring me, and I didn't want to ruin her night or make her more angry.

We were watching some show, where the character made a drink for someone who he wanted to have sex with. She said, that's what I want to do to you, which I thought she was joking about, but it still made me really uncomfortable. At one point, she started saying that she wanted to have sex with me. I told her I can't, we're best friends. She told her it wouldn't ruin our friendship, I'm not a rebound, but I still kept saying I can't and I was so nervous at this point. I remember asking her are you sure I'm not a rebound, but I was still really uncomfortable and wasn't wanting to do it. She said "I can see it in your eyes that you want it" and "Don't fight it." "Don't let your parents dictate what you should do" Maybe I did want to do something, but I just couldn't I was too scared. I said maybe if we weren't so close we could. I remember her holding my hand throughout this. She's like I know you want to do this. I wanted to switch topics and go, but she said "No we need to talk about this." She told me to kiss her, repeatedly. She said if I kiss her then she'd know to continue, because she's "not a rapist." I told her I can't, I've never done this before, and she knows that. This is all kind of blurry, but she said come on kiss me, just kiss me. I said "I guess you can kiss me" because at this point she kept insisting and insisting. I remember what she was doing, and how I was shaking so hard the entire time. I remember her asking what would make me more comfortable. I said I wanted to take a shower. She immediately dropped her clothes and went in with me. At that point I think I wanted to. But then she started touching me and I was shaking so hard again, she asked me if I wanted to continue I said I'm just nervous. But then while she was touching me she told me to stop shaking, i was "making her feel like a rapist." I couldn't say no I was too nervous. The other part of the night was consensual, but for days after I couldn't get out of bed I felt violated and no matter how long of a shower I took I couldn't get clean.

I texted her saying that I hated her. She showed up at my house screaming at me saying "how dare you accuse me, you know what happened with my ex friend." She had a similar situation with a friend a long time ago who accused her of sexual assault, I don't really know the full story, I remember saying I believed my friend. I should have known this would happen, I remember picking her up from the train station and her saying there are days when she really wants me. I should have been more clear, fought for myself. But I hate confrontation, she was scaring me when she was yelling at me. I didn't know what to do, we were all alone at home. I heard through a friend she was trying to contact me, and that she blames me.

Any help or advice, I'd really appreciate. Thank you so much for taking the time to help. Again I'm sorry if this was long.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Don't think it was rape, but it was clearly something you felt pressured about doing. Kind of reminds me of the time I lost my virginity. Minus the excessive showering/coping. I mean, I thought I wanted to, was scared, it was a huge swirl of emotions. I would just say that you might want to see a therapist to sort all of this out. Clearly you will need to process it in order to handle decisions in the future.

 

[Frx1996]

Don't think it was rape, but it was clearly something you felt pressured about doing. Kind of reminds m...

I didn't have a choice. She kept pressuring me even though I repeatedly told her I can't.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I didn't have a choice. She kept pressuring me even though I repeatedly told her I can't.

Your perception is what matters. I still recommend you seek a therapist to help you sort this out.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I agree that it doesn't sound like rape but if you feel violated and if you need to sort this all out and stuff then I agree that a therapist would be best. Theres nothing wrong with seeing a therapist for stuff that you need to sort out, cope with, and heal from.

 

[Justmehere]

She kept forcing me to drink, to the point where I was so sick and could barely move.

How did she force you to drink?

I couldn't say no I was too nervous.

What were you scared of?

Have you been through traumatic events in the past?

This might be helpful to watch: Tea and Consent

 

[Frx1996]

How did she force you to drink?

What were you scared of?

Have you been through traumatic events...

She kept screaming at me to keep drinking. She said I wasn't going anywhere until I finished the bottle. She wouldn't let me move off the couch. I was scared of getting her angrier or of what she might do. I have been through traumatic events but none of which were sexual before.

Thank you for your reply. I'm not saying it was rape. I don't even know what it was. It's just with the drinking, I felt so dizzy and I kept asking her to stop. But she kept getting angrier. And fast forward to when we were alone, she just wouldn't leave me alone. I told her we can't. I know she didn't physically force me, but how can this be right, which is what messes with me the most, I don't know what to think. She just wouldn't stop. And kept saying she could see it in my eyes that I wanted it.

 

[Justmehere]

If a drunk person was angrily screaming at me to have sex and physically preventing me from getting off the couch, I'd be sh*t scared too. I'd be confused and tempted to do things I wouldn't otherwise want to do.

She harassed you pretty badly, until your defenses broke down and you "consented" to sexual activity. She crossed many lines. Her behavior was wrong. You said no, and she should have backed way off. I'm sorry that she didn't.

You were not given full freedom to say no. One can not say yes, unless they can say no and have it stick. She refused to honor your no.

Was it sexual assault? There are some grey areas in this event that would make it hard to prosecute as sexual asaualt. You are likely to find that some will hesitate to call it sexual assault. She didn't engage in sexual conduct until you said yes, and gave consent. You did have freedom to leave or ask her to leave, but didn't. That doesn't mean you are at fault for her being a harassing jerk, but these are factors that would make it hard to prosecute this event as sexual assault or rape.

At the same time, many college campuses are trying to help people understand that consent should be enthusiastic and on-going before it's considered to be consent --- because this kind of bad behavior like you describe in her can lead to lots of fear and confusion and screwed up things happening that leave people very upset afterwards. Bullying and intimidating someone into consenting to sex isn't clear enthusiastic ongoing consent. And it makes any consensual sex kinda messed up.

The fact that she felt like she a rapist, who is someone who is engaged in sex without consent, and yet she still proceeded to continue with what was scaring the crap out of you is pretty alarming. Not a good sign.

And yes, saying she could see in your eyes you wanted it when what you said was no you didn't want it... it's pretty screwed up. It doesn't matter what your eyes "said" when your mouth said no stop over and over.

She clearly busted through your boundaries and betrayed your trust. Even she probably had an inkling she was crossing the line. It makes sense you feel violated. She's not a safe friend.

I'd cut ties with and continue to work on this in therapy. Things can get better and you can heal from this difficult event and betrayal by your former friend.

I would also consider working in the old traumatic events in therapy too. While they were not sexual abuse, they may have primed your system to freeze, and to now have an even stronger post event response. Those previous traumas might be playing a role in why you feel upset now. That doesn't mean this event with this friend is less wrong, it just means you may have more than one thing playing a role in why you feel so bad now. It also may be playing at role in why you were so scared by her anger. Therapy can be a great place to learn how to hold and keep boundaries with unsafe people or close friends who turn into invasive jerks when drunk.

 

[Frx1996]

She wasn't drunk, she even told me she was sober at that point. She drinks heavily on the regular, so she said she was fine then.

 

[Frx1996]

If a drunk person was angrily screaming at me to have sex and physically preventing me from getting...

Again thank you so much for our response. How would personally you interpret this? I understand there is grey area, but intimidation to the point where she was holding my hand saying I can't leave the couch until we "talk about this" didn't give me much of a choice.

It's just my depression is getting so worse to the point I can't cope with it especially when I know that this was something I could have prevented and that it wasn't actually a crime. And the thought of telling anyone they'd tell me that there's nothing I can do, which is what my brother said.

 

[Justmehere]

Again thank you so much for our response. How would personally you interpret this? I understand there is grey area, but intimidation to the point where she was holding my hand saying I can't leave the couch until we "talk about this" didn't give me much of a choice.

Earlier you stated she didn't physically force you but now you describe her physically holding your hand and physically preventing you from leaving the couch? That's physical abuse...

I went through something in my own life that I wasn't sure if it was a sexual assault or not and I talked to the trained professionals at RAINN.org. They have an anonymous chat and phone hotline. They might be another resource to help sort though this.

It's just my depression is getting so worse to the point I can't cope with it especially when I know that this was something I could have prevented and that it wasn't actually a crime.

You have been through trauma, and a new traumatizing event like this could kick depression into high gear. Keep working with your treatment team. It can get better again and it's worth it to stick it out. Keep the RAINN hotline handy.

I don't know if you could have fully prevented what she did or not. You can't control her. You are not responsible for what she did.

If I leave my car unlocked and someone steals it, the thief is still guilty of theft. Should I still lock my car? Yes.

When a friend ran over boundaries of my own, I knew I needed to work on keeping better boundaries. Does that make it ok that my friend ran over my boundaries? No.

I don't know if you can do something about it like take legal action against her or not. RAINN or the police and or an attorney would be the best folks to ask about that. Even if you can't take legal action to hold her accountable for a crime, there is something you can do: you can fight to get through the depression. You can keep going to therapy and continue to work on healing from this. You may have been helpless when she was holding you down, but you are not helpless now. You can't change what happened, but you can work through it.

 

[Frx1996]

She was holding my hand as though she was being nice about it. I kept wanting to chance to topic and go but like I said she said we needed to talk about this. I really want to remember fully what happened. But it's a blur. I just wanted to thank you so much again for your time. I truly appreciate it and I'm so sorry for what you had experienced, from what you told me. You're very kind. And it makes me feel better that someone else doesn't think I'm being dramatic about this.