I think Im gonna kill myself. I know exactly how to do it

[JudeWest]

Hi @JudeWest welcome to the site. And we'll done for reaching out. You sound like your at your limit. I've been there, like so many others here. Are you currently having emdr or was that a while ago?

Do you have a therapist? I think you should have one. And make use of a crisis line so you you can vent your problems. Talk it out.

What country are you in? Can you make an action plan to try and do things to help you feel better? Things like exercise, reading, art etc. Going out into the community and taking advantage of the local amenities.

I think you need to learn to start being kind to yourself and loving yourself but I know that when your in crisis and the depths of depression that's hard to do.

I'm currently in emdr and I like my therapist but she does not bring me to the safe place after we remember things. I have flashbacks for weeks. I can't even tell when I'm in one. I used to have the classic ones but now I have emotional ones that last for weeks and I don't know I'm in them. I don't know if that's normal. I had to train my husband to calm me down cause I had to learn for other people.

I'm in the United States. I hate it here. It's like waiting every day to be attacked a new way. My husband lives in France. I know life can be different. But I have to fix this somehow first.

 

[JudeWest]

How are you feeling today @JudeWest ?

The things that are stopping you, your cats (and your husband?) are really important. And shows connection in your life.

Not sure what country you are in, but I understand the difficulties in getting help. Is there a crisis line or emergency centre you can go if you're feeling these intense feelings again?
Have you told your T about this backlash after EDMR?

Yes I've told her and we don't go back to the safe place after emdr. My flashbacks last for weeks I don't even know I'm in them. I feel like I woke up today to just the normal. Zero emotions, total apathy. Don't feel anything about anything. I live in the United States and I have no one to watch my cats if I go into the hospital.

 

[anthony]

My husband lives in France. I know life can be different. But I have to fix this somehow first.

Why not just sell it all and move to France with your husband?

 

[JudeWest]

Why not just sell it all and move to France with your husband?

I have to finish emdr. I only trust this therapist she's been with me since I was twelve. I don't want to relive everything that's ever happened to me with someone new. That's just terrifying. I don't want to relive it like I was just yesterday. Even talking about it is enough to make me verbally combative and emotional and can culminate into me going to attempt suicide like I was yesterday. That's all we did that triggered it. We just talked about something I suddenly remembered. I remember more things with emdr. And we talked about a memory about words I had with my mother concerning a, I don't know I don't feel comfortable, my rapist and I felt it all over again, fear for weeks, terror even, hysterical crying, not trusting my husband, not trusting anybody, lashing out, severe depression, constant terror, isolation. It was just so much I don't know how I didn't know I was in a flashback. I need to tell my therapist to bring me to the safe place after emdr. I can't work like this but maybe that's another reason I SHOULD move to France. That's the first time in years I've been ready to commit suicide. I looked for the recipe. I was ready to buy everything.

 

[anthony]

That's just terrifying. I don't want to relive it like I was just yesterday.

There is a point where you have to stop living in the past and the future. Think of it like walking, if one foot is in the past (behind you) and one foot is in the future (in front of you), then what the hell do you have in the here and now?

This is not about forgiveness, or forgetting, nope! It's about learning to let go of the fear, the hate, the anger, the negative emotions tying you to the past, negative thoughts about the future. The more you work on that, the better you start closing the gap and living in the present - living your life and enjoying your life.

I'm saying this because the fact you have been with a therapist since 12, you're now married, says that maybe, just maybe, this therapist is not pushing you to push yourself. Therapy is not a lifetime obligation, its a time-limited process to help you to help yourself ongoing, to step away and push yourself in this thing we live... life.

 

[JudeWest]

There is a point where you have to stop living in the past and the future. Think of it like walking, if one foot is in the past (behind you) and one foot is in the future (in front of you), then what the hell do you have in the here and now?

This is not about forgiveness, or forgetting, nope! It's about learning to let go of the fear, the hate, the anger, the negative emotions tying you to the past, negative thoughts about the future. The more you work on that, the better you start closing the gap and living in the present - living your life and enjoying your life.

I'm saying this because the fact you have been with a therapist since 12, you're now married, says that maybe, just maybe, this therapist is not pushing you to push yourself. Therapy is not a lifetime obligation, its a time-limited process to help you to help yourself ongoing, to step away and push yourself in this thing we live... life.

How do I let go of the fear? It's the fear that gets me the most. I thought emdr was the key to approaching that since it's a type of exposure therapy and it's really not her fault I've been in therapy this long, I didn't really talk in therapy until 19 when my mom wasn't involved, and then I started revealing things, and then I got diagnosed with schizoaffective, and then it was one abusive relationship after another for my entire life, and because I wouldn't talk about them I just wouldn't get help (I was threatened and they would come with me to therapy), and then the most recent is I almost died from poisoning and my organs are still healing and I'm still so sick. And I just finally cut off my mom. We haven't really been able to do much of the work until the last year.

 

[Hedge]

I can hear your fear but maybe try and talk to your mind / your memories, telling them that you are no longer living them and that they are only now memories and memories lie in the past. The events of the past are haunting you but those events happened - in the past. Maybe reliving them - in the now - via therapy is something to think about in terms of whether or not they are helping you. Of course, I would encourage you to discuss this with your therapist. Now If I read you correctly, the idea of moving to France seems to have great appeal for you and so it might be a worthwhile idea to explore further with your husband concerning such a move. It is so easy to live our lives by a narrative that we know (even if that narrative is not supporting us). But if you move to France, then you are starting to write your own narrative for yourself; a narrative that is about you and not the narrative of your past. Does that make sense? However, I can relate to how fear can keep us rooted to a past narrative for we tend to live out our lives as handed to us by others. For me, the escape has been to find ME and the things which make me who I want to be. And sometimes those things which we do know (such as your Fear) can become fearful to contemplate releasing as they are perceived as being so familiar that very few of us question their relevance to our life today. But is it worth it to hold on to the familiar when that is no longer working in your favor? Do you think the move to France could help you release your fears and memories as you find the New You?

You therapist can help you explore a method whereby you can become grounded if your therapy takes you too far into the past and to therefore help you to come to a safe place if required. These are just a few ideas that your post has caused me to think about and they are merely ideas for what they are worth.

 

[anthony]

And I just finally cut off my mom.

A good start if she was part of the problem.

Fear is easier than you think. Some fear is rational, some is irrational. Usually its the irrational that we hold onto that causes us symptoms. What do you fear?

 

[JudeWest]

A good start if she was part of the problem.

Fear is easier than you think. Some fear is rational, some is irrational. Usually its the irrational that we hold onto that causes us symptoms. What do you fear?

People

 

[Rose White]

How do I let go of the fear?

I have heard that it is impossible for the brain to be both curious and afraid at the same time. So cultivating a mindset of curiosity can help extinguish fear if you practice it regularly.

 

[anthony]

People

So babies? Children? Women? Men?

 

[JudeWest]

So babies? Children? Women? Men?

All of them. Children because I'm worried about messing them up with my sickness and women and men both.