I think Im gonna kill myself. I know exactly how to do it

[JudeWest]

Ok, but remember where you started with this? Fear! So this isn't fear of children, but maybe, your own fear of how a child will perceive you because you have been affected as a child?

Yes and no. PTSD is just a label someone devised to slap on a bunch of symptoms that have an effect on the person. Trauma, that is the cause, not PTSD. Trauma can be passed by experience.

So being around a child is not going to negatively affect them, but, if you're abusive around the child, then sure, that may have a negative effect on them. What if you positively affect a child because you know how not to be because of your own childhood experience?

Like I said earlier, fear is about rational and irrational. Not everything is one or the other, but a combination depending on circumstance. Look at the entire circumstance, not just part of it that justifies the answer to yourself.

I plan to be a parent, but I have to graduate my therapy first. Exposure therapy is just painful and I think we need to make adjustments. I want to be a therapist too, but again, I need to graduate my therapy. I want to break the curse. I don't want to continue this. I'm very careful I don't but I'm weak right now so it's hard not to be scared. But I'm finding my confidence after my husband pulled me out of it again

Just going to jump in here because I could have typed every one of those words, I get it, so many of us will, generational trauma is part of so many peoples stories. TBH it would be weird if it wasn't really. Like, if we're being raised by parents who had their own crap they hadn't dealt with, whose parents also had crap they hadn't dealt with, erm, it's almost inevitable that the crap is then 'ours' too. That's without any direct trauma to us ourselves...

I've begrudgingly concluded we have a choice. Either, do as you say and complete isolate, this is currently what I'm doing... It's a terrible plan, honestly, it makes symptoms 200 times worse, the self loathing, the suicidal ideation, the hopelessness. All of it worse. Or, we try to heal. We try to stop the cycle of trauma between generations and get help to not be stuck in that dynamic anymore. Help might need to shift a bit for you, maybe Ts approach needs a re look, maybe you need to add more tools to your arsenal, maybe meds need looking at. Heck maybe all of it needs a complete throw in the air. Healing is hard hard work, but I'm convinced it has to be worth it otherwise those that are through the other side wouldn't keep harping on about it. Wishing you well

I want to write, become a therapist, become a parent and end the curse. I want to give a message to the world we have a choice. To pass it on or end the cycle. I want to end the cycle.