I Thought It Was Going To Be One Of My Better Courses- I Thought Wrong!

[Jen93]

So, I'm currently in summer school and taking a second year university course (actually two.). I like school- it's fun. Unfortunately I often get flashbacks because my trauma was a school event so to speak.

I'm taking Children's Literature, and the teacher is one I had before in my first semester. She knows that I have anxiety, but she doesn't know how bad my symptoms are and that I've got even more of a trauma now than in my first semester.

She's an amazing teacher- don't get me wrong about that- but she's very to the point and blunt in her lectures- sometimes I've had to leave the room or burst out crying because she'll suddenly say something during a lecture that will trigger me.

Like yesterday for example, I thought it was going to be a normal first day of class- "read the syllabus together then get the heck out of here and enjoy the rest of your day!" type of thing. Teachers usually take it easy the first week; we just read the syllabus and then it's a "get to know the students" type of thing.

How wrong I was! She starts with saying hi to the ones she already knows (including me), and she THEN she decided to talk about herself- which was alright, by she said the reason she was picked for the course-Children's Lit, 'cause she thinks we all have the right to know that our professors are actually qualified for their job and not just being stuck wherever; is because she's written papers on "child abuse".

I wasn't expecting that, and I had no real grounding techniques at my disposal because of my whole therapy/med resistance fiasco, so I spent the rest of the lecture checking over my left shoulder, shaking, and flinching- I was several flashbacks at once and several times I looked at the corners in the room wanting to get up and stand in one. It was weird.

She also told us that some of the stories- we're not going to like what she has to say about them, and that we're going to be horrified by a few of the readings on child rearing.

I'm wondering if I should tell her about how my PTSD goes back to abuse, and not just a friend's attempted suicide... and maybe ask for a warning if she'll be talking about that ahead of time- but I don't want to draw attention to myself, or make it seem like I'm really sensitive and make her worried that she's going to "set me off" every minute. I also don't want to make it seem like I should be pitied, or as if I'm just trying to make my workload easier. What should I do? What should I say? Should I say anything?

Please help... I'm so conflicted- and I don't want to drop the course. I know that I can do this... Unfortunately none of my friends who know about my PTSD and ground me are in my class, so I'm feeling sort of on my own and I don't want to just single myself out in the first week of class.

 

[Ice_Fire]

(((Jen)))...I unfortunately know how rubbish this feels. I've had similar problems with English and before that, Drama, because some of the stuff has been on child abuse, self harm, depression etc...NOT GOOD!

I didn't tell my teachers, bad decision. Find her on her own, explain as calmly as you can and make it clear that you're not going to be a burden on the class (because I'm sure you won't be) but you may need to occasionally leave the session for a few minutes if/when it's triggering. Or whatever else will help you. Don't ask her permission, just tell her the situation and make it clear that this is how it will be. Also, I know how much this course means to you Jen, but don't make yourself ill over it.

 

[Red Feather]

I agree with Icefire and Wildfire. :) Thanks I appreciate this too.

 

[BlueKitty]

Hi!
I think it really depends on the professor - some professors are more understanding than others, as you probably already know!
Last semester, I took an anthropology class and there was a student with traumatic experience( I am not sure if he would fit in the clinical definition of PTSD, but I do not want to undermine his pain). It was a fairly small class (about 20 students), and he told the professor on the first day that some discussion topics may be triggering. The professor and everyone in class were really understanding and he gave students heads up on possibly sensitive topics. Granted, the professor was a former Marine, and we had a graduate scholar in class who also used to be a Marine.. along with many military dependent students (it was a little odd.. the class was not really related to military history!).

I never came out on anyone about PTSD, as I think I am still having doubts about it, but I visited some of my profs to tell them about exam anxiety and performance - fortunately, most of they had been very understanding. For me, I had the most anxiety issues for the courses that I cared for and the courses that were crucial for me and it was very very frustrating. One even admitted that she still gets nervous before teaching even after 30 years of teaching, and another professor told me that I should not fear sounding apologetic because the anxiety is a very real thing, where it is not only psychological but also physiological. He also provided some accommodation for students like me.

So.. do share with your professor! Just keep the attitude of a hard working student and don't be afraid of getting a little emotional when you are talking to her about it. It may even help you develop more personal relationship with the prof :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, I sure wouldn't have expected that specifically, either. But now it gives you an opportunity to pre-prepare to handle triggers.

BlueKitty had a positive experience, I like her approach. 'Anxiety' is something people can usually all relate to (especially in University).

(((Hugs)))

 

[Jen93]

I don't know anymore. I kept flinching on Thursday, I was SURE that everybody could see me getting slapped, hit, shaken and yelled at; but nobody reacted to the people who I thought were around me. My teacher sort of gave me a funny look when I flinched a few times. It's really embarrassing to flinch in class, I cant help it, it's an instinctive reaction when the physical abuse stuff shows up, and I feel like everyone is staring at me and as if I'm crazy. It just seems so real... My friend is taking the course starting tomorrow, she knows the whole story-hopefully she sits next to me and can help ground me; but I really don't want her summer to be focused on keeping me focussed-it's supposed to be about school, not making sure your friend doesn't go crazy in class. :(

I wrote an email, but I'm not sure if I have the guts to send it-I think I should bring it with me to class on Tuesday and give it to her at the end of class if during the class I start "getting fuzzy" -dissociating, or "seeing movies" -flashbacks.

I wish that this could all just be resolved. I'm so stuck. Caught between a rock and a hard place-the only thing that is keeping me from telling her is my fear of her reaction. I don't even know what the possible reactions could BE. :/

 

[Eleanor]

Hope I'm not too late to the game.... What do you need the professor to know? At a minimum - that you have chronic anxiety related to the subject matter - and that it is likely to manifest itself in certain ways - flinching, ticks, occasionally needing to leave the room for a break. You would appreciate it if she took these things in stride (If that's what you want) and to please not draw attention to you in those cases. (? right?) Figure out what you want from her, and make the request. She doesn't really need to know any more about what is going on inside you at all - so you can tell her whatever you like.

Figure out what you want her to do/how you want her to respond and then ask for that. I think that is all you really need to do here (with respect to her, anyway!)

 

[Jen93]

Yup-I told her. I grabbed my friend, went to her during office hours, and after I looked at my teacher and she said "Yes? Is there something you need?" I look at my friend-I was just sorta scared, and I said "I don't know how to tell her." my friend started it- "She has trauma, so she may get flashbacks and need to leave the room sometimes. The subject matter is triggering to her," then I blurted out "I was abused as a child." and then my teacher said "Yeah, the disability services told me about the anxiety." and then she looked at me and she said "I could tell from your reactions. This is a safe place. You don't need to tell me anything else." and then my friend said "We just thought you should know in case she runs out of the room or something. And then my teacher said "You can run out of the room if you need to. It's a safe place." So... Yeah, I feel better now about that- It was just the thought of her maybe telling me not to take the course, or freaking out if I told her I had a history of child abuse...

The fear is gone. I should really learn to give people more credit. :D Thanks for all the help you guys-you gave me the courage to do this. :D

 

[Ice_Fire]

Yay! Well done, I'm really happy it went well for you!

Hope you've had a good birthday, (((hug)))

 

[OMNICELL]

First, take clay with you. None hardening. Play with it the way you would a rubber ball when your anxious.
You need the ability to practice leaving the class room and returning. I know what its like to "freeze" under triggering.

Talk to a therapist about this specific topic, to find answers. If handled right, you can work with the teacher that you may come and go as needed. Remember, the teacher is working for you, not the other way around. You have rights..

 

[Jen93]

ARGH! I'm so mad at myself. So yesterday, I think I had a weird dissociative/flashback episode. I took out my hearing aids halfway through the lecture, and put them on about twenty minutes later. (didn't want anyone catching my hearing loss, long story.) Anyway, I'd done that same thing once with my ex therapist and my psychiatrist. How am I going to watch out for that? I felt like I was 12 again. I also had a weird feeling that my friend was my friend from middle school, and that my teacher was going to be mean to me.

Obviously, I can't be "babysat" to keep my hearing aids in... Anybody have any suggestions? I really really really don't want to seem like a burden to the teacher, and I'm doing really well in the course. However, that also means that I'm delving into super touchy topics and bordering in my journals on the line. (I'm peeking through my trauma, but then getting out quick.)

I don't know what to do about that. I feel just... weird. Young, innocent, scared, nervous, conflicted. Drop date's passed; I like the course. I'm doing well academically. How do I keep my flashbacks/dissociation in check though like with the hearing aid and the friend and teacher thing? :confused: Any suggestions?

 

[kers]

Were you able to finish the class, Jen93?