I Told A Friend Who Actually Cared

[Onefineday]

I have not been having much luck with the net latey, the last 2 times I have tried to make long posts something has gone wrong and I ended up wasting about an hour. So this is the last time for today! :wall:
Okay, well...

I am kind of excited at the moment and wanted to share it, not because something really really amazing happened or anything, but because I was talking to a friend on the net and the conversation got to why I have a few issues, and when I shared some things... dun dun dun... they actually cared. :eek:
I mean, I didn't share everything, I just said some basic stuff so that he would understand why I don't drink, that because of alcohol I was exposed to a lot of things, and that I'm at a point where I need to come to term with certain things and move on, and that means having to steer clear or of some situations, not because I am in denial, but because I just need a break. He always makes jokes about how much I stress (and if it wasn't for that I would never have even realised it or been diagnosed with severe stress), and I said that these things I am dealing with at the moment are what causes me to stress so much. That is pretty much exactly what I told him. I said I don't share these things with people a lot because most people don't get it and people's advice tends to only make it all worse, so I prefer to just keep it to myself. He said 'Yeah I got that feeling, it's taken this long for you to tell me anything, already worked out you keep most things to yourself'. He already had an idea that something was up I think, we studied together this year, in the beginning I had no money and I nearly ended up fainting while we were working with the cats because I hadn't been eating. That was embarrasing, my group and the lecturers were worried but I didn't want to make a deal of it, I said I just wanted to sit down. Plus I would show up without sleeping for 24 hours and then have to spend the day cleaning out dog pens. Then there was the continual stressing, etc.

Anyway, I just wanted to share with you all this because it is so rare for someone I know to lecture me, for someone to say they can understand to a point, and that it does makes sense, not 'just go and have a few drinks, you'll be fine' 'let me set you up with a guy' 'it's all in the past get over it'. It just makes my day. I remember years ago when I was at a party (woo, party... :clap: *note sarcasm*) and people started questioning me as to why I'd never been in a relationship but I didn't really want to say. Then one of the guys said 'something happened to you', and I said 'yeah'. He didn't question me, he didn't lecture me, he just got it. And I was wrapped. In fact, I started to like this guy, he was really funny and nice. And apparently he liked me too. Then a few weeks later he went off and started doing drugs. So my feelings were diminished quite quickly.

But I will always remember that one conversation I had with him, and that something as simple as someone just GETTING it, can be all that you need.

 

[helena]

Hi OFD, I think it has to be one of the hardest things a sufferer has to do but opening up to the right people can help so much. I 'm glad you found someone to share this with (and that you shared with us too) Good for you and just take your time because there's no rush.

 

[onebravegirl]

I think it is a great accomplishment to be able to hold on to that one positive experience. Even if it is just one moment and that is where it ends with a person, it was still a beautiful thing. When we can see the beauty in another's actions we can begin to see them in ourselves. It is a sign of seeing things in balance. Well done Girl!
O

 

[Nicky31]

Hi OFD!

Wow that really is brilliant news. I'm so pleased for you. I know how getting recognition and understanding about our condition, to whatever level, is the biggest relief, feeling of acceptance and it's liberating too.

I have talked in the past week with others on here about the difference between someone listening to you and someone actually hearing you.

It sounds as though you have been "heard". I hope you can develop this supportive relationship with your friend. I think we all know on here that whereever and from who'mever that support comes from whether its a partner, friend, colleague, therapist, doctor, or stranger on the internet, support is support and you can't get any better than that!

:thumbs-up

 

[Butterlamb]

I am so happy for you that you had that experience. I was inspired by this thread and thought that i would tell my roommate that I was a sufferer (not necessarily the details that i experienced)

Well the reception was not what I was expecting. She just kind of said "okay" didnt look at me or anything, just aknowledged what I said and went on reading. No questions nothing..... Now I am left feeling numb. My fingers are shaking and my mind cannot process any informations (i can barely type right now) This is why I never told people in the past what was wrong, I feared this response and me fears were correct. Alone again.

So as I said, I am SO Happy for you that you were able to experience that sense of reliese knowing that someone "knew" not listened but knew.
Butter

 

[Onefineday]

I understand completely what you mean, I lost a friend a few weeks ago because she didn't get it. She was coming to me venting about some things, and I had hinted to a few things, nothing specific, but I think most people end up working out something must be up. She was asking me to share with her what was wrong. I told her I didn't want to because people don't get it, I said she wouldn't understand. She kept saying to me she would, and that after I listened to her her and gave her advice she will do the same for me. Eventually I got a bit worked up and said 'fine, I'll tell you, but I don't want your comments or input or advice, I don't expect you to understand but if you don't know all the situation you can't be expected to'. I hardly said anything of my story, just that I'd been abused and it is hard for me to see guys any other way, and suddenly her compassionate 'I want to be a friend to you' turned into 'you're so stone hearted to feel that way, it's all in the past so you should move on, you're stubbon to not listen to my advice'. Then the next day I went on Facebook and she had deleted me. I cried for about 2 days, I was absolutely livid. I sent her a long, angry message that she has absolutely NO right to make that kind of judgement on me when she has no idea, and for her to call me stubborn and stone hearted not to listen to her when she herself couldn't listen for 5 minutes is beyond hypocritical. I said when she has had *insert huge list of abuse I recieved in the past here* happen to her, or taken the time to listen, THEN she can make a judgement on me. Then I posted some links for PTSD websites and and abuse and told her she needs to do some research before turning on me like that. She has since made an attempt to talk to me again, but she can quite frankly piss off.
Sometimes you just can't look for understanding, you have to let understanding come to you, even in those little moments. I used to be so open in the past, now I hide it as long as I can to avoid confrontation. I told this person yesterday because he wanted to catch up with me and others that we had studied with but I said no because there would be alcohol. When he questioned me on it he actually asked me if I'd learned from others mistakes (I had told him I'm not spending Christmas with my family because all they do is drink). He sounded like he had that bit of understanding so I thought I may as well give it a shot, not everything but enough for him to know that I can't at this point get into these situations. It was a strike of luck that he got it, without questioning or pressure.

 

[Lionheart]

I just wanted to say good for you!!! Most people who know little to nothing about trauma, abuse, or PTSD are less than helpful and some have really given me down the road by saying everything from, "What do you want special treatment?" to, "You just need to stop dwelling on it." I am happy for you. It's nice when someone gets it.

 

[Onefineday]

Well he has said to me in the past stop stressing so much, I need to stop caring about things so much, and that really annoyed me. But when I said 'I'm just at a point where I need to move on from certain things that happened in the past, I guess it's one reason why I'm always stressing', he seemed to get it.
He asked me again if I was going out with everyone, I think he was just taking the piss, I said no, but if it was just sitting around talking I might come, but no getting drunk and dancing', he told me we can all catch up in a less threatening way, start with something smaller until I get more comfortable with going out again. I was pretty stoked with that! It does feel so nice when someone just gets it.

 

[Nicky31]

It does, absolutely. :smile: It just takes away the unneccessary pressure doesn't it? It's the having to justify and explain myself constantly that can get me down. That added effort of having to do that as well as the symptoms can be exhausting. I'm so pleased that someone has "got it" and can support you- even if it just means you know that mutual understanding is there and you don't have to explain.

Nicky