I Told.

[healingangel90]

I've been thinking about telling my dad about the sexual abuse I faced as a child a lot. To the point where I dream about it several times a week. Yesterday, I got into an argument with my parents (as in I was getting yelled at by them) about how I wanted to pursue a career in psychology instead of medicine and maybe take a year off before going to grad school. This really doesn't sit well with them, but I know that this is where I belong. Also, a year off might be a good idea to gather myself and be a little more emotionally stable before taking on a stressful workload. I couldn't tell them any of this because they didn't know I had any type of problem to begin with. I ended up hinting that there was a reason they didn't know about that was keeping me from going straight onto grad school/applying to medical school.

Later, my dad pretty much forced it out of me. I know I had been thinking about it for a few weeks now, but I definitely was not ready. I wasn't ready to talk or for him to see me differently. All I was really able to tell him is that my grandfather 'hurt' me. I'm not sure if he knows how he hurt me, but I think he may have gotten the idea? I could be wrong though. I feel like maybe he thinks I was physically hurt. And after this whole conversation and me crying for a while, he just acted like nothing ever happened.

I wanted to tell my dad all of this so that he could finally know about how much of an impact the abuse had on me. I didn't tell him any of that. I didn't tell him that I'm in therapy or that I have PTSD. I just want to be alone now and I'm back to isolating from everyone.

All day today, I've been so stressed from last night - I couldn't even find my way home from school, which I've been doing for 4 years now. I've been having mini panic attacks all day and just really stressed out in general. I just don't understand what's happening to me and I don't know what to do about this situation anymore. Sorry this is such a long rant. Just really really confused and mad at myself for hinting there was a problem in the first place.

 

[Marie E.]

You are only human for wanting to tell your Dad!!!! I'm proud that you made an attempt, really, you are brave for this! I'm so sorry that your Dad acted like nothing happened, I dunno, lets hope that he is only scared and hurt, feeling he let you down cause he felt he was not able to protect you like a father should have. It is up to you if you want to continue with more on the subject. I can truly feel your pain!!

 

[healingangel90]

I'm thinking I may write a letter to him explaining. I just really want him to understand. I need some sort of support at home because in May, my friends (who I've recently told and are very supportive) will move back home once we all graduate, and I will no longer be allowed to see my therapist since it's through school and I'll be left with no insurance and no job. So I just want someone there who knows. Especially since I still have to have contact with my grandfather, who is the abuser, and I need a family member who will be on my side and make sure I don't have to speak to him. I hope he's able to understand =/ I called up my therapist and made an appointment to see her Thursday so hopefully that will help.

 

[Marie E.]

That sounds really good!! :)

 

[pi314159]

Well done for telling. It took me forever to build up the courage to tell my parents. I don't really feel like they understand given "it happened a long time ago" but I now feel a lot better having told them.

 

[healingangel90]

Thanks Pi :) I guess most people can't understand because it's not something they've gone through, and I wouldn't ever wish going through this on anybody, so we'll just have to learn to deal with the alternative. :P

I feel so lucky to have found this forum and all the supportive people here. I really don't think I would have gotten through this week without you guys. Thank you!

 

[pi314159]

I feel lucky too. It's amazing to talk to people who understand :)

 

[healingangel90]

Aghh I know I said I talked to my therapist and have an appointment tomorrow morning, but I contacted her again because I have an exam tomorrow that I'm nowhere near ready for. The office I go to has the power to give me extensions on my work if needed. I just feel a little embarrassed now to see her tomorrow. I feel like I've bothered her way too much this week. I had an appointment with her Monday, contacted her yesterday and today, and have another appointment tomorrow. =/ I've never contacted her outside of our sessions before, so this was a little scary for me? I'm just scared of what she thinks of me now I guess.

 

[pi314159]

There's nothing wrong with contacting your therapist outside of your sessions. You're going through a difficult time and I think it's great you're getting help to get through it. Asking for help when you need it takes courage and strength.

It's so great to see you're looking after yourself. I know your therapist would be proud of you for getting help rather than letting this hurt you more.

Stay strong!

 

[healingangel90]

Thank you for that Pi. That's exactly what I needed to hear. Hopefully our session tomorrow helps me with this situation.

 

[healingangel90]

Just wanted to update on the situation with my dad, and maybe get some input:

So I had told him that my mother's father had 'hurt' me, but we weren't able to talk about anything more than that. I keep replaying that conversation in my head - I was a complete mess. I was in tears, crying uncontrollably, shaking, covered in a cold sweat. In my opinion, it was pretty obvious that I was talking about something bad. I also had told him that I really hated my grandfather and did not want anything to do with him. I thought that even though he didn't know what exactly happened, he would've understood that it was something severe if I'm bringing it up like this years later.

Unfortunately, my dad still talks to my grandfather and has a good relationship with him. Also, he bring my grandfather up in conversation with me all the time. Does he not understand what I meant by I hate him?! I feel like he's trying to test me or something.. but I can't deal with it. It's a trigger and I feel horrible afterwards. I feel like he chose my grandfather over me, and I'm just really upset because I thought things would have changed by now. He's had a few weeks now to process the information. I don't know what to think of it...

 

[Lucycat]

Healingangel, that must be so hard that your father has not taken on board that you don't want to hear of your grandfather.

I am fortunate that since my mother learned of the abuse my father imposed on me and others she has not mentioned his name once. They were together when she learned about it but he is now in jail. I know that she visits and has phone calls from him, and I expect her to welcome him home when he is released in the summer. I just have to accept that she has chosen to stick by him. However I am glad that I no longer have to have any contact with him, either directly or indirectly.

I rather suspect that you are going to have to be blunt and say that you do not want to hear about your grandfather. That it hurts you every time he is mentioned. I would not give your father an ultimatum, or expect him to finish his relationship with your grandfather because however much that hurts it really is his choice. But he needs to distance that relationship from his relationship with you. He is probably still reeling from what you told him, even after a few weeks.

I do hope that you can work this out. It must have been very hard to tell your father in the first place and if he is not being as supportive as you would like you are perhaps wondering if you did the right thing. In my opinion you did. Now you have to go the next step and tell your father what you expect from him.

Regards
Lucy x