Justmehere
Sponsor
I told my primary care doctor that my depression has gotten so bad my suicudal l thinking has come back and I really need the referral to a psychiatrist that he said he would send to my insurance to get processed by his referral dept faster. I'm not ok. I tried to tell him. I tried to do the right and responsible thing for how bad it's gotten in my head.
It's been 3 weeks since he said he would send off a referral to my insurance for a psychiatrist. He said it would only take a few days. I told him I went to a wall in clinic and then walk in mental health clinic made me promise them that I would tell him just how bad the depression has become and that the thinking is back. I asked if we could restart an antidepressant I had taken before.
I thought I was doing the right thing. Trying to keep this hole from getting deeper and trying to keep myself far from acting on the thoughts.
The primary care doc clinic has a therapist on staff all the time. She's there to help with short term needs for any patient. He asked me to speak with her. He seemed to take me seriously and said he wanted me to talk to her and work out the next steps with her, and he wanted to get me into the psychiatrist asap for the antidepressant, and she could help with that. Makes sense. So I agreed to talk to her. She came in and I was so anxious I rambled.
She told me I shouldn't make up being sucidial just because I was frustrated. That was her first response. She actually lectured me for several minutes about how wrong it was to make up having suicudal thoughts for attention just because I was frustrated about referral paperwork taking so long.
The comment by her stunned me. I was so freaking nervous to say I needed help to begin with. I didn't know how to even respond. I told her this is not because I'm frustrated and I began to list reasons why I wanted to die that have nothing to do with frustration about paperwork. But trauma. I was shaking. I was so embarrassed. She rolled her eyes.
So I gave up and promised I will never bring it up again. She said, "I can put you on a hold you know, you want me to do that? I can do that and force you to be taken against your will to the ER."
It wasn't like she was saying hey, how about we send you to the ER to get more help...
I told her again, "I promise to never bring it up again."
I came home and replaced with self injury very badly.
I contacts me normal trauma therapist and I didn't tell her what happened, didn't tell her much, only that I was triggered at the doctors office, yet again, and I wanted to cancel with her for tomorrow. I told her I just wanted to run and I don't know what to do. I was vague. So triggered I couldn't get myself to risk telling her what happened. I then spent way too much time doing more than just having the occasional thought of suicide.
I could call a crisis line, but why. They will see it as a joke.
I think my PCP is likely to terminate my care and then I will have to start all over again.
I feel so hopeless it's hard to breathe.
I'm so tired of the battle.
I'm going to see my normal trauma therapist tomorrow. I keep wanting to cancel. I'm terrified she will respond badly if I told her. I can't handle trying to find a new therapist right now. I don't have enough in me to do that.
I feel so stupid. How could I have done this so badly the stupid primary care clinic therapist thought I was making up being this depressed? I don't even know why she thought that.
I can't stop crying.
It's been 3 weeks since he said he would send off a referral to my insurance for a psychiatrist. He said it would only take a few days. I told him I went to a wall in clinic and then walk in mental health clinic made me promise them that I would tell him just how bad the depression has become and that the thinking is back. I asked if we could restart an antidepressant I had taken before.
I thought I was doing the right thing. Trying to keep this hole from getting deeper and trying to keep myself far from acting on the thoughts.
The primary care doc clinic has a therapist on staff all the time. She's there to help with short term needs for any patient. He asked me to speak with her. He seemed to take me seriously and said he wanted me to talk to her and work out the next steps with her, and he wanted to get me into the psychiatrist asap for the antidepressant, and she could help with that. Makes sense. So I agreed to talk to her. She came in and I was so anxious I rambled.
She told me I shouldn't make up being sucidial just because I was frustrated. That was her first response. She actually lectured me for several minutes about how wrong it was to make up having suicudal thoughts for attention just because I was frustrated about referral paperwork taking so long.
The comment by her stunned me. I was so freaking nervous to say I needed help to begin with. I didn't know how to even respond. I told her this is not because I'm frustrated and I began to list reasons why I wanted to die that have nothing to do with frustration about paperwork. But trauma. I was shaking. I was so embarrassed. She rolled her eyes.
So I gave up and promised I will never bring it up again. She said, "I can put you on a hold you know, you want me to do that? I can do that and force you to be taken against your will to the ER."
It wasn't like she was saying hey, how about we send you to the ER to get more help...
I told her again, "I promise to never bring it up again."
I came home and replaced with self injury very badly.
I contacts me normal trauma therapist and I didn't tell her what happened, didn't tell her much, only that I was triggered at the doctors office, yet again, and I wanted to cancel with her for tomorrow. I told her I just wanted to run and I don't know what to do. I was vague. So triggered I couldn't get myself to risk telling her what happened. I then spent way too much time doing more than just having the occasional thought of suicide.
I could call a crisis line, but why. They will see it as a joke.
I think my PCP is likely to terminate my care and then I will have to start all over again.
I feel so hopeless it's hard to breathe.
I'm so tired of the battle.
I'm going to see my normal trauma therapist tomorrow. I keep wanting to cancel. I'm terrified she will respond badly if I told her. I can't handle trying to find a new therapist right now. I don't have enough in me to do that.
I feel so stupid. How could I have done this so badly the stupid primary care clinic therapist thought I was making up being this depressed? I don't even know why she thought that.
I can't stop crying.
