Today my therapist and his wife and I took a trip up a canyon to THE PLACE of my attack.
The rocks and trees reached out and welcomed me back to the canyon!
They missed me. They were worried about me.
The last time they saw me they ached for me and wanted to help
But what can a rock or a tree do?
They thought I was gone forever and they were sad.
Now they are rejoicing that I am alive and so am I!
I nearly made myself sick worrying about this day and it was lovely.
We met in the parking lot at T's office. His wonderful wife went with us.
First T explained again about exposure therapy and how it was supposed to work and that nothing was exactly expected. I could talk about stuff if I wanted or I could just keep things to myself and be silent if I wanted. This was just a trip to expose me to the place where the injury occurred and let me experience whatever I could... no guess what that would be.
We drove to the park and started the trip by the bus stop where I had gotten into the Volkswagen when offered a ride. We explained bits of the story to his wife, with my permission. We started where the story started at the park bus stop and followed the same route we took in 1974. Of course the road is now partly freeway and there are tons of new buildings and stuff so it didn't seem very familiar, plus I didn't know where we were for the last 2/3 of the original trip. We got almost to the canyon and there is a gravel pit with large conveyer belts that lift the gravel up and dump it in trucks. That had been there then and I remembered seeing those belts. Then we got to the last intersection before the road goes into the canyon.
I remembered a ski rental shop being there and I passed that on my trek out of the canyon. The shop is still there and is still a ski rental shop... pretty sure the name has changed... probably several times.
We started up the canyon. Michael (T) told me the canyon was something like 22 miles long and such and such ski resort was at the very end and he thought my experience took place about 4 1/2 miles up the canyon just before a big S curve. He pointed out new stuff in the canyon and told me how he remembered it being in the old days before the new stuff was there. About a mile into the canyon I started feeling numb and chest achey... I didn't say so... I just started practicing breathing techniques. My anxiety level was going up.
I remembered trying to have a conversation with Bundy. All the way we had been talking about school and cars and the view of the valley and I had mostly been the one talking but he had been adding a bit to the conversation and nodding and saying "Yes" and stuff. When we got to this point in the canyon he stopped contributing to the conversation. He didn't say anything. He was just driving.... not acknowledging anything I was rambling on about. I kept trying to make idle conversation, nervous awkward conversation, but he quit helping me with it. This is when the car ride started to feel unsafe. I told this to Michael.
Michael and his wife were talking about how Bundy was probably thinking of what he was going to do with me... planning the crime... trying to make sure no one was following us.. and stuff.
We got to the bottom of the S curve. There was a paved parking lot and a rest room and there are a couple of trail heads start there. Michael drove into that lot and parked and said he thought this had to be the place as it was the only place in the entire canyon that matched my description. Years ago it would not have been paved and there would not have been the rest room and there had been picnic tables at the trail head.
He said we would get out and just walk around a bit and see what happened and how it felt to me. As soon as we opened the car doors I could hear the rushing river sounds.... Chest pain... no air...I asked if he was sure I wouldn't die because maybe I was going to have a heart attack. He said, "I actually am glad you are having chest pain... not happy that you are in pain... but happy that this is stirring up things for you because that means it is working."
We walked to the edge of the river. It was very fast and I could believe this was the spot. I figured out where the car had to have been parked where the attack began. There are no picnic tables now but I figured out where it would have been in relation to the car and the river. A lot of bad things happened at the table and on the ground around it. I figured out nearly where I had to have been lying when I ran into the river.
The therapist and his wife moved about 30 feet away and let me just stand there alone in the place. After a bit they moved back beside me. Michael said, "Just let me know when you feel like leaving." His wife said, "I really want to give you a hug, would that be ok?" I let her hug me. Then we went to get in the car and I remembered the rose. Froggie suggested I toss a white rose into the river and I told her I would. While they got in the car I walked alone back to the edge of the water and dropped in the rose. It floated quickly away downstream just like I had.
Car ride down the canyon we talked about my hike out of the canyon along the river and not along the road and how hard that was in the pitch black being soaking wet and freezing cold and scared and hurt. At the intersection where the ski rental shop was I told them them that I didn't have a plan and was just making stuff up as I went along. I was already tired of hiking by the time I got the four miles out of the canyon the hard way and I sort of thought I might find a ride. The first people I encountered were in the ski rental parking lot. The shop was closed but there were two or three trucks parked in the parking lot and 4 or 5 guys were drinking beer and laughing loudly in that lot. I decided right then that those men were not my ride home, I would have to just suck it up and walk.
I had no idea the route I took. I was trying to stay off busy streets and avoiding car lights and nothing looked familiar now. Michael asked what the first thing I remembered seeing that looked familiar and it was the Wonder Bread Sign at the bottom of campus. We drove to where the sign used to be. Then we drove to my old apartment and then back to the office.
Michael asked if I wanted his wife to leave or if I wanted her to complete the exercise with us and come in the office for the debriefing. I let her come in. The three of us talked for about an hour. His wife actually told me that she felt like the canyon was welcoming me back. It made me cry. I really liked that image.
Micheal said that now I have gone to the place and not been hurt and not been frightened and the place should not be scary now. Canyons and rivers don't need to be scary. The scary part was the monster and not the place. The monster is gone.
So... I am awesome! I forget that sometimes.... I need to remember that more. I am smart and strong and capable and I survived because of who I am. It wasn't my fault people died. If I had told the police right away, Bundy most likely would have sold the VW and moved on and people would still have died. Maybe not the Utah people... but my telling would not have stopped him. And telling would have upset my life which had already been tipped over. Mom would have insisted I move home. My face would have been on the news just like Carol DaRonches was. I would be the one people pointed at and said, "That's her! That's the Bundy victim. That's the rape victim." I didn't need that. I needed to stay focused and hold on to what was left of my life. I did that.
I finished school and got a good job and married a wonderful guy and had a great family. I have a wonderful pharmacy career and my little business is amazing and I did all that! I am awesome because I am awesome and that is that! Simple as buttering toast.. ((Froggie)).
The rocks and trees reached out and welcomed me back to the canyon!
They missed me. They were worried about me.
The last time they saw me they ached for me and wanted to help
But what can a rock or a tree do?
They thought I was gone forever and they were sad.
Now they are rejoicing that I am alive and so am I!
I nearly made myself sick worrying about this day and it was lovely.
We met in the parking lot at T's office. His wonderful wife went with us.
First T explained again about exposure therapy and how it was supposed to work and that nothing was exactly expected. I could talk about stuff if I wanted or I could just keep things to myself and be silent if I wanted. This was just a trip to expose me to the place where the injury occurred and let me experience whatever I could... no guess what that would be.
We drove to the park and started the trip by the bus stop where I had gotten into the Volkswagen when offered a ride. We explained bits of the story to his wife, with my permission. We started where the story started at the park bus stop and followed the same route we took in 1974. Of course the road is now partly freeway and there are tons of new buildings and stuff so it didn't seem very familiar, plus I didn't know where we were for the last 2/3 of the original trip. We got almost to the canyon and there is a gravel pit with large conveyer belts that lift the gravel up and dump it in trucks. That had been there then and I remembered seeing those belts. Then we got to the last intersection before the road goes into the canyon.
I remembered a ski rental shop being there and I passed that on my trek out of the canyon. The shop is still there and is still a ski rental shop... pretty sure the name has changed... probably several times.
We started up the canyon. Michael (T) told me the canyon was something like 22 miles long and such and such ski resort was at the very end and he thought my experience took place about 4 1/2 miles up the canyon just before a big S curve. He pointed out new stuff in the canyon and told me how he remembered it being in the old days before the new stuff was there. About a mile into the canyon I started feeling numb and chest achey... I didn't say so... I just started practicing breathing techniques. My anxiety level was going up.
I remembered trying to have a conversation with Bundy. All the way we had been talking about school and cars and the view of the valley and I had mostly been the one talking but he had been adding a bit to the conversation and nodding and saying "Yes" and stuff. When we got to this point in the canyon he stopped contributing to the conversation. He didn't say anything. He was just driving.... not acknowledging anything I was rambling on about. I kept trying to make idle conversation, nervous awkward conversation, but he quit helping me with it. This is when the car ride started to feel unsafe. I told this to Michael.
Michael and his wife were talking about how Bundy was probably thinking of what he was going to do with me... planning the crime... trying to make sure no one was following us.. and stuff.
We got to the bottom of the S curve. There was a paved parking lot and a rest room and there are a couple of trail heads start there. Michael drove into that lot and parked and said he thought this had to be the place as it was the only place in the entire canyon that matched my description. Years ago it would not have been paved and there would not have been the rest room and there had been picnic tables at the trail head.
He said we would get out and just walk around a bit and see what happened and how it felt to me. As soon as we opened the car doors I could hear the rushing river sounds.... Chest pain... no air...I asked if he was sure I wouldn't die because maybe I was going to have a heart attack. He said, "I actually am glad you are having chest pain... not happy that you are in pain... but happy that this is stirring up things for you because that means it is working."
We walked to the edge of the river. It was very fast and I could believe this was the spot. I figured out where the car had to have been parked where the attack began. There are no picnic tables now but I figured out where it would have been in relation to the car and the river. A lot of bad things happened at the table and on the ground around it. I figured out nearly where I had to have been lying when I ran into the river.
The therapist and his wife moved about 30 feet away and let me just stand there alone in the place. After a bit they moved back beside me. Michael said, "Just let me know when you feel like leaving." His wife said, "I really want to give you a hug, would that be ok?" I let her hug me. Then we went to get in the car and I remembered the rose. Froggie suggested I toss a white rose into the river and I told her I would. While they got in the car I walked alone back to the edge of the water and dropped in the rose. It floated quickly away downstream just like I had.
Car ride down the canyon we talked about my hike out of the canyon along the river and not along the road and how hard that was in the pitch black being soaking wet and freezing cold and scared and hurt. At the intersection where the ski rental shop was I told them them that I didn't have a plan and was just making stuff up as I went along. I was already tired of hiking by the time I got the four miles out of the canyon the hard way and I sort of thought I might find a ride. The first people I encountered were in the ski rental parking lot. The shop was closed but there were two or three trucks parked in the parking lot and 4 or 5 guys were drinking beer and laughing loudly in that lot. I decided right then that those men were not my ride home, I would have to just suck it up and walk.
I had no idea the route I took. I was trying to stay off busy streets and avoiding car lights and nothing looked familiar now. Michael asked what the first thing I remembered seeing that looked familiar and it was the Wonder Bread Sign at the bottom of campus. We drove to where the sign used to be. Then we drove to my old apartment and then back to the office.
Michael asked if I wanted his wife to leave or if I wanted her to complete the exercise with us and come in the office for the debriefing. I let her come in. The three of us talked for about an hour. His wife actually told me that she felt like the canyon was welcoming me back. It made me cry. I really liked that image.
Micheal said that now I have gone to the place and not been hurt and not been frightened and the place should not be scary now. Canyons and rivers don't need to be scary. The scary part was the monster and not the place. The monster is gone.
So... I am awesome! I forget that sometimes.... I need to remember that more. I am smart and strong and capable and I survived because of who I am. It wasn't my fault people died. If I had told the police right away, Bundy most likely would have sold the VW and moved on and people would still have died. Maybe not the Utah people... but my telling would not have stopped him. And telling would have upset my life which had already been tipped over. Mom would have insisted I move home. My face would have been on the news just like Carol DaRonches was. I would be the one people pointed at and said, "That's her! That's the Bundy victim. That's the rape victim." I didn't need that. I needed to stay focused and hold on to what was left of my life. I did that.
I finished school and got a good job and married a wonderful guy and had a great family. I have a wonderful pharmacy career and my little business is amazing and I did all that! I am awesome because I am awesome and that is that! Simple as buttering toast.. ((Froggie)).
