I want a life time out

[AnnabelleHope]

The past few weeks have been too much. I am working towards a diagnosis of CPTSD. I feel incredibly fragile and for about a month I am seriously triggered multiple times every day being around my partner. I am exhausted. He is exhausted. I have been off work for the past two weeks and I am dreading going back on Monday. I feel so tired and like if anything things have got worse.

I had an assessment last week to start long term psychotherapy and also a couples counselling trial. It was helpful but I am just so tired of feeling triggered all the time. I have had panic attacks the past two days.

I want time out. I want to run away to a hot beach and talk to no one and do nothing but read books for a while.

Any advice most appreciated. Thanks x

 

[Candleflames]

PTSD is hard to cope with, getting help is hard work and then there's the hard work of getting better. Often things get worse before they get better too. Sounds like you are headed down a good path for recovery and doing a lot of hard work. It's important to make sure you have some breaks and time outs. They are part of your recovery.

So a list of ideas from what helps me
If money allows treat yourself to something indulgent like a facial or a manicure or pedicure or have your hair done.
If you're up for being around people visit an open air market, just stroll through stopping to smell fresh cut flowers, delight in the beautiful art and crafts, maybe do some grocery shopping for the night's dinner.
Go to your local park for a picnic or walk or both.
Take a day trip to somewhere calming. Take the scenic route out to the country and get lunch in a little cafe, or go to your local beach (if you have one),
If you can't get yourself out of the house try soaking in a luxurious bath, there's recipes online for how to do that my favorite is an oatmeal and lavender in a tea ball or stocking.
Stream your favorite stand up comedian, feel good movie, musician.
Set up a fancy tea for one or two at home.
Garden either in your yard or in containers if you are apartment living.
Try and find a hobby that allows your mind to quietly focus on what your doing. I knit and spin yarn to help quiet my mind while a friend of mine does pilates and yet another does dance.

When I hear someone say they need a time out, I think "well take one". Time out, down time, time for yourself, alone time, rest and recreation are very important to our healing. Do what you need to do for you.

 

[AnnabelleHope]

Thankyou @Candleflames. Even reading your post has brought me a sense of peace.

I am going to focus more on creating a culture of time-out for myself. This sounds responsible and sustainable. If interacting and making everyday little decisions with my partner is triggering then little breathers like the ones you suggest will probably help.

Part of me right now does want to stay alone somewhere else for a while and so I might try to take myself on a wee camping trip someday soon x

 

[Candleflames]

Part of me right now does want to stay alone somewhere else for a while and so I might try to take myself on a wee camping trip someday soon

That sounds like a great idea. I take a weekend away by the coast myself at least twice a year. It's amazingly refreshing and eye opening. So much time for reflection.

I'm glad you are feeling a little better. Sometimes we just need someone to tell us that it's ok to put ourselves first.

 

[AnnabelleHope]

Yesterday I expressed the need to be alone in our house for a bit. For the past few weeks when I have been off work trying to gain some calm my partner has been conastantly at home as he is in between contracts. This made the return to work on Monday feel like a relief, as I feel exhausted and burnt out from not having space to myself. I communicated yesterday morning that if could let me know when is a good time to plan time alone on my own that would be great, and even though he was upset by this he did go out and I had the afternoon to myself which was absolutely amazing and felt really good for my peace of mind.

This morning I woke up in a good mood, got ready for work on time and was about to leave when I couldn't find my money purse. I started to crumble, feeling like the good day that I was about to start out on was falling away from under my feet. I asked my partner if he had seen my purse, and he offered to help look. My first feeling was dread, as when I am stressed he can add to this stress by getting stressed as well. Nonetheless i felt it was a nice gesture and said 'okay, thanks' and we still couldnt find it. He offered to drive me to the station in the hopes I wouldnt miss my train, and as he was getting dressed I walked round the corner to see if I had dropped my purse in the street and agreed to meet him at the car.

When I got back to the house he was not there, and nor was the car. Text and calls didn't connect us and my stress levels were now taking over in a big way. It wasn't his fault, or mine, and I knew he was trying to help me still and we must have miscommunicated. Just as I started to walk to look for the car, he drove up and I got in. I felt from the way we spoke next that things were escalating. As we drove to the station I started to cry. My perfect good mood morning was disintegrating rapidly, and now my relationship was becoming affected as he was super tense. He began to ask me questions about other transport options that I couldnt answer without looking things up on my phone, and I was trying so hard to calm down and stop crying as I didn't want to arrive to work with puffy eyes. It just felt our interaction wasn't helping, actually causing more stress. After the second question about road routes I expressed that please could there be no questions for a bit as I was struggling to calm my mind. I didn't understand why we couldnt just drive to the station as he had offered, without all this added stress. I know now that he was trying to help find the quickest route, but in the moment I just needed as much calm as possible.

When I mentioned the need to calm my mind he said something in response whilst turning away from me. It might have been frustration he was feeling but in that moment of stress it felt like an expression of disgust. I said 'don't you want to look at me?' and this caused an explosion of anger from me where he shouted and swore, and told me 'not to start going into all that again'.

When we got near the station I realised I didn't want to get out of the car or get on the train full of commuters crying and feeling like this. I said I'd wait in the car whilst he went into the supermarket for some groceries as I needed to calm down. He said something like 'I can't leave the car unlocked' and I explained that of course I wouldn't just leave the car and he could leave me the key and I'd wait for him or come find him. To be honest, by this point I was well over the idea of trying to get to work. I felt emotionally shattered. I said i feel that we are a team and in this moment I am trying to find a solution to the panic and stress, and it felt like he wasn't trying to work one out with me. This upset him and I can understand that he is frustrated. I find it really hard to explain everything in the moment and need him to understand more about how to help a person experiencing stress and panic.

We talked about this when he got back to the car and driving home, and he got mad because I said I felt when I get stressed he gets stressed and this makes it worse. I was suggesting approaches that help a person experiencing panic. He said I was criticising him. It got worse and he slammed the car door and shouted.

I hate what is going on. I hate that the day has turned to shit because I lost my money purse. I hate that I am coming across ungrateful to someone who is trying to help. I hate that he feels criticised. I hate that what he is doing to help isn't helping. I hate the whole bloody situation.

I feel like I want to be alone. I feel like giving everything up. Work. Relationships. It's like it just falls apart in front of my eyes. Right now I am round the corner from our house in a churchyard. I don't want to go home.

 

[Daisy23]

I had the same issues when I was diagnosed with CPTSD. It seemed like every time that I went to therapy and talked about the bad the more fragile I was. Keep going. Do not give up on the therapy. It is seriously one of the most solid outlets for this crappy disorder. You will get better. Just keep telling yourself that this is just one moment in a day and you can get through it. That's the best advice that I can give for the frequent panic attacks. Good luck and stay strong, you are absolutely NOT alone.

 

[AnnabelleHope]

After a couple of days apart we met to talk last night and it went quite well. He said he wants to be with me and want a to work at it. I said I'd like to try working together to make some mutual changes to the house in the hopes that it might help me feel more settled, with hope that it might aid my recovery a bit. So far having an impact on our living space has felt tricky. It's his place and his stuff and the idea of change has felt quite closed off. I felt okay in his vibe at first but have realised after living together for a while that if I am you to feel at home I need to bring in more elements of me, trying to combine ways that I enjoy living alone with cohabiting.

This morn we had a huge argument because I was walking around the flat with hair dye on my head and it made him feel worries about it getting on stuff. I explained that I've done it hundreds of times and that it was very unlikely that would happen as I wasn't near soft furnishings and it wasn't dripping or anything. I wanted to stand my ground but I found it too much and went to sit in the bathroom as it felt this was the only option in order to help his anxiety. I hadn't wanted to do this especially as I had a train to catch and had times it so that I would pack my bag whilst the hair dye was working on my hair.

Whilst sitting in the bathroom nothing I began to feel absolutely awful, like my explaination, opinion and confidence about my approach had been trampled on. By the time I washed out my hair I was sobbing uncontrollably. After my shower he asked if we were okay and I explained my feelings. It erupted into a full blown argument and he said I was being ridiculous and left to go to the shops. I sat on the bathroom floor and couldn't stop crying. It was not good. I fell into complete despair and hit myself in the head a few times due to frustration and anger. It scared me and I felt like I wanted to jump out of the bathroom window at one point.

I left the bathroom as I felt scared and when he saw me and that I was in a state he tried to console me. I felt completely out of it and it had gone to another level of distress. I didn't want to be near him and I spoke to a friend to calm down. Needless to say I wasn't catching my train anymore. Once I was calm we spoke again, and because I feel that being passive is not doing me any good in this relationship I attempted to stand my ground. As the argument escalated he reached boiling point and then told me he wants me to leave, that I should pack my stuff and move out. He said 'we are done'.

I was shocked and whilst he was having a shower felt totally unsure if he meant it. After his shower he was calm and I asked if he wanted me to stay away while we work things out. He said that I could sleep in the spare room, which avowed me that he means it. It was extremely sudden. A few minutes later he told me that it would be less awkward if I wasn't around for lunch with his family, which he is hosting at the house tomorrow. I was pretty much speechless. I spoke to a friend who lives nearby and she kindly drove over and picked me up.

I'm still in shock. I am at a friend's house now but I feel numb and very strange. I don't know what to do or where to go. I'm not sure if he will take it back, but I feel I should look for a place to live as I don't want to try to argue about something like this.

I feel awful, like we've both been trying and making progress in learning together, despite it being hard, and now it's over. I imagine it has all got too much for him, and perhaps he has his own problems around needing to control his space, maybe that's why he won't let me change things/have an influence. Amongst friends I feel strange. I want to be with him. I love him, but I need to be heard and to have some control over how I am in my home. If he doesn't want this, or can't support me in this way, then I suppose it just won't work. Maybe it is over.

 

[AnnabelleHope]

Spoke to him and he has confirmed that he is serious and does want to break up. I feel heartbroken. A lot of effort and love - poof. Gone. I love him very much xxx

 

[RinLisa]

Yesterday I expressed the need to be alone in our house for a bit. For the past few weeks when I...

This is exactly the experiences I've had with my partner. I know he's trying to help but when he get's frustrated with me it just makes the triggering worse. I can't 'just stop' as so many have exclaimed at me. I'm on this site because I want to be able to talk through my interactions with him.

I try to stress that my reactions are physical manifestations of fear that have developed through trauma. That the ONLY way through is kindness and understanding. And this goes for me too, self kindness and self reassurance are such an important skill that I never really knew how to do. I feel like I'm learning to ride a bike for the first time and keep falling. I do know that if I keep working on it, and keep letting him know when I'm starting to feel stressed before it gets so bad that I'm frustrating him, that it helps immensely. "I'm starting to feel triggered" and then we can assess what we can do from there.